


Elizabeth and Philip: The Musical 2

by Ice_Queen784



Category: The Crown (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on a song, Cheating, F/M, Marriage, POV Alternating
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2019-01-19
Packaged: 2019-02-17 08:52:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 52,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13073430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ice_Queen784/pseuds/Ice_Queen784
Summary: A series of Elizabeth and Philip one shots based off songs. For season 2!





	1. How Long

**Author's Note:**

> I’m back with more for season 2! This one is really short because the entire thing is one conversation where Elizabeth confronts Philip about his cheating. I wanted her to do it on the ship in Lisbon and that’s exactly what happens here! I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Based off How Long by Charlie Puth.

**Philip’s POV**  
_I’ll admit, I was wrong_  
_What else can I say girl?_  
_Can’t you blame my head and not my heart?_

Elizabeth confronted me on the ship in Lisbon. She knew everything. She knew I had cheated on her. Specifically, she knew about my affair with Galina Ulanova, the ballerina. And what I had done on the trip. And what I had been doing with the Thursday Club for years.

“And don’t try to sit there and play the victim.” Elizabeth added, when she finished complaining about my whining. “If anyone has room to be whining it’s me. If anyone can play the victim, it’s me. But I don’t. Because I’m strong. And I can handle my problems.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked. The comment had seemed to come out of nowhere.

“I know what you’ve done.” She told me quietly. “I know everything.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about.”

She opened her purse and pulled out a picture and an envelope. She handed them to me. The picture was of Galina. She must have found it in my briefcase before I left. And the letter was one Mike had written to the Thursday Club, detailing our affairs and misadventures in various countries. I had no idea how she had gotten ahold of it, but I silently cursed Mike for being such a bloody idiot.

“Lilibet,”

“Don’t call me that.” She cut me off.

“I,” I didn’t know what to say.

“Just look me in the eyes and answer me honestly. Did you cheat on me?” I tried to open my mouth, but I couldn’t respond. “That’s what I thought.”

_I was drunk, I was gone, that don’t make it right, but_  
_Promise there were no feelings involved_

Elizabeth started to walk out, but I stopped her.

“I’m sorry.” I told her.

“No you’re not.”

“I am. What I did was wrong. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

“Then what does it mean?” She was almost in tears. “If you love me, why did you do it?”

“I don’t know.”

“No. I know. You did it because you don’t love me.” She insisted. “Do you love her?”

“No. I do not love her.” She laughed sadly.

“That was a stupid question.” A single tear fell from her eye “You’ve been sleeping with so many women that you can’t possibly love any of us.”

“Lilibet,”

“I thought I told you not to call me that.”

“I’ll call you Lilibet if I want to.” I argued.

“You can call me Lilibet when you love me.” She snapped.

“That’s why I’m calling you Lilibet now.”

**Elizabeth’s POV**  
_She said, “Boy, tell me honestly_  
_Was it real or just a show?”_  
_She said, “Save your apologies_  
_Baby, I just gotta know”_

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“No. If you loved me, you wouldn’t have done it.” I insisted. Of course I wanted to believe him when he said he loved me, but in light of what I had just found out, I couldn’t. “Don’t call me Lilibet.”

“Fine. Elizabeth.” He overanunciated every syllable of my name. He seemed to be tired of arguing, but I wasn’t done with him yet.

“Did you ever really love me?” He looked offended by my question.

“Of course I did. I still do.”

“Well you have a funny way of showing it.”

“Listen,” he started. He tried to put his hand under my chin, but I slapped it away. “I’m sorry.”

“No. Save your apologies.” I told him. “You're not sorry that you did it. You’re just sorry you got caught.”

_How long has this been going on?_  
_You’ve been creeping ‘round on me_  
_While you’re calling me baby_

“Elizabeth, I really am sorry I cheated on you.” He insisted.

“Stop.” I sighed. “I just want to know one thing.”

“Name it.”

“How long has this been going on?” He looked instantly ashamed, which told me all I really needed to know.

“I don’t know exactly.”

“Oh, long enough that you lost track?”

“A few years.” He admitted quietly.

“How many years is a few?”

“About five probably.”

“I see.” I wanted to cry, but I steeled myself. I had already decided, I wouldn’t cry in front of him. He wasn’t worth that. Actually, he was worth that, but he could never know it.

_How long has this been going on?_  
_You’ve been acting so shady_  
_I’ve been feeling it lately, baby_

“I’m sorry.” Philip said again. “How long have you known?”

“I found the picture before shortly before you left. And obviously I got the letter a few weeks ago, while you were gone.” I explained. “But I’d been suspecting for a long time before I got proof.”

“How long had you been suspecting?”

“A couple years. Since you started going to the Thursday Club with Mike.”

Philip sat back down on the couch and buried his head in his hands.

“Dear God.” He sighed. “I’m sorry. I mean that Lilibet, I really am sorry. Can you ever forgive me?”

**Philip’s POV**  
_I’ll admit, it’s my fault_  
_But you gotta believe me_  
_When I say it only happened once_

“No. Sorry isn’t good enough.” Elizabeth told me. She finally broke down in tears. “Do you have any idea of the emotional pain you’ve been causing me for years? I’ve cried myself to sleep countless times over you. Everytime I look in the mirror, I want to cry, because all I see is my faults. And I remind myself again and again why I’m not good enough for you. That I’m not pretty enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not interesting enough. And that’s why you cheat on me. You’ve tossed me aside in favor of women who are prettier, smarter, and more interesting.”

“Lilibet,” I wanted to cry myself. I felt so bad. “I’m so sorry.” I got up and tried to hug her, but she pushed me away.

“No. You made me hate myself and I can’t forgive you for that.”

“Lilibet, I hate myself for what I’ve done to you.”

“Fuck off.” She tried to walk away, but I grabbed her arm. She yanked it away. “Why don’t you go cry to Galina?”

“Elizabeth, I don’t even talk to her anymore.”

“Really? You honestly expect me to believe that?”

“I do. Because it’s true. I only slept with her once.” I insisted.

“I see. So you’re that type of man.”

“What type of man?”

“Fuck a girl once and move right on to the next.”

_I tried, and I tried, but you’ll never see that_  
_You’re the only one I wanna love, ooh, yeah_

“Listen, Elizabeth.” I started.

“I’m tired of listening to you.” She tried to leave again, but I stopped her.

“You’re not leaving until I’ve made one thing very clear.” I told her.

“And what exactly is that?” She demanded. “Because as far as I’m concerned I’ve heard all I need to from you.”

“You haven’t.” I insisted. “Well, actually, I’ve said it about seventeen times, but you won’t listen, so I’ll say it again. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I cheated on you. I’m sorry I hurt you. You honestly do mean the world to me. I love you.”

**Elizabeth’s POV**  
_She said “Boy tell me honestly_  
_Was it real or just for show?”_  
_She said “Save your apologies_  
_Baby I just gotta know”_

“I don’t understand.” I responded. “If I mean so much to you, if you love me so much, why did you do it?”

“I don’t know. Because I’ve been feeling emasculated. Jealous. Bitter. I just wanted to do something that would,”

“Hurt me?”

“Something that would be some kind of release. Something to forget about my problems.”

“The problems I’m causing you.”

“Yes.” He said quietly.

“But you didn’t forget them. You didn’t solve them. You just made them worse. You made more problems.”

“I know.”

“Maybe that was what you wanted all along.”

“It wasn’t.” He denied.

“Really?” I questioned. “It wasn’t some kind of revenge? You knew that in the long run, this wouldn’t help. You knew it would hurt me. And somewhere, deep down, although you deny it, that was what you really wanted. You wanted to hurt me and humiliate me in the way you felt I had done to you. That’s why you did it.”

_How long has this been going on?_  
_You’ve been creeping ‘round on me_  
_While you’re calling me baby_

“Lilibet, I would never want to hurt you.” Philip told me. “But perhaps on a subconscious level, you’re right.”

I didn’t know what to say anymore. All I could do was give him a sad smile. For a moment, we stood in silence. I felt tears well up behind my eyes and before I could stop it, I was crying again. Philip wiped my tears and took me in his arms. This time, I didn’t stop him. And for what seemed like hours, he held me there while I cried. And cried. And cried. Until I had no more tears left to cry.

_How long has this been going on?_  
_You’ve been acting so shady_  
_I’ve been feeling it lately, baby_

Eventually, he guided me back to the couch. He sat down and I cuddled up next to him. I felt so many emotions I couldn’t feel anything. Sadness, betrayal, anger, and jealousy had all combined to create a chilling numbness. I wanted to say something, feel something, do something, but I was frozen. Until Philip finally spoke.

“I’m so sorry.”

“I know.” I whispered back.

“I don’t blame you if you can’t forgive me.” He remarked.

“I would love to forgive you. But I don’t think I know how to forgive.”

_How long has it been going on, baby?_  
_You gotta go tell me now_

Philip planted a kiss in my hair. I knew he loved me. And I wanted to forgive him. But I was so frozen, so numb, that I couldn’t think straight. Maybe it would just take time. Or maybe a frost had settled over our marriage that would never thaw. That thought scared me. I loved him so much. I knew I had to forgive him. But I didn’t know how. How could I forgive someone who had hurt me so badly?

_She said “Boy tell me honestly_  
_Was it real or just for show?”_  
_She said “Save your apologies_  
_Baby I just gotta know”_

I knew I had to talk to him. Shutting him out wouldn’t help anything. I wasn’t sure what to say, but I had to say something. Maybe it wasn’t what to say, but what to ask. I needed to ask him questions. I needed to know for sure that I could forgive him.

_How long has this been going on?_  
_You’ve been creeping ‘round on me_  
_While you’re calling me baby_

“Philip,” I started, sitting up suddenly.

“What, Lilibet?”

“Are you really sorry?” I asked.

“Of course I am.”

“But seriously. Are you actually sorry you did it?”

“Yes, I’m sorry I did it.”

“Or are you just sorry you got caught?”

“No. Lilibet, we’ve been over this. I am so sorry I cheated on you. I am so sorry I hurt you. Do you not believe me?”

“It’s not necessarily that I don’t believe you.” I explained. “It’s that, if I am to forgive you, I need to know you’re truly sorry.”

“Lilibet,” he took my hands and looked me in the eyes. “I am truly sorry that I cheated on you.” I gave him a small smile.

“I believe you.”

  
_How long has this been going on?_  
_You’ve been acting so shady_  
_I’ve been feeling it lately, baby_

“Good.” Philip kissed me.

“But I need you to promise me something.” I told him.

“Name it.”

“That you will never cheat on me again.”

“I swear I will never do it again.”

“And I also need you to promise me that you will cut ties with every other woman you’ve slept with.”

“Actually, I already have.” I raised an eyebrow. “I never kept in close contact with any of them.”

“Right.” I remembered what he said about only having slept with Galina once. I had no real reason to believe there were any women he was conducting long term affairs with. “And one more thing.”

“What?”

“That you will stop attending any and all meetings and gatherings of the Thursday Club.”

“Lilibet,” he tried to argue but I cut him off.

“After all, that’s how you met most of the women. It’s how you met most of the men that introduced you to those women. I know what really goes on there.” He sighed.

“But what else am I supposed to do?” He whined.

“Find better company, better influences. Find new hobbies. More innocent hobbies.”

“Fine. I will.”

“Do you really mean that?” I asked. Suddenly, he got down on his knees.

“Lilibet, I solemnly swear that I will never cheat on you again, that I will cease any and all contact with any other women I have slept with, and that I will no longer attend any meetings or gatherings of the Thursday Club.”

I smiled and leaned down to kiss his forehead.

“I’ll hold you to that.”

_How long has this been going on?_  
_You’ve been creeping ‘round on me_  
_(How long has it been going on, baby?)_

“So can you forgive me?” Philip asked. I almost said yes, but I couldn’t.

“No. I’m sorry.” I walked towards the bed, but he stopped me.

“Why not?”

“How can I ever really trust you again?”

“Lilibet, I already promised I will never do any of that again. And I meant that.”

“How can I be sure it wasn’t just another lie?” I inquired. “All you’ve done for years is lie to me. You told me you would never cheat on me. That all of your gatherings with the Thursday Club were perfectly innocent. That you and Mike weren’t out womanizing every night. But all of those were lies. How can I know that those promises weren’t all lies too? How can I know you really mean it?”

“Because I realize something now that I didn’t then.” He replied. “I need you. You are the best part of my life, and at the end of the day, when I hurt you, all I’m doing is hurting myself. I love you.”

_How long has this been going on?_  
_(You gotta go tell me now)_  
_You been acting so shady_  
_I’ve been feeling it lately_

“I love you too.” I hugged him and he held me for awhile before he kissed me. It was a sweet, loving kiss. A kind of kiss we hadn’t shared in a long time. It was wonderful.

“Lilibet, I really am sorry.” He told me.

“I know. And I forgive you.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any suggestions for songs you want me to do or characters/situations you’d like to see, please leave them in the comments!
> 
> Also, the next one is totally gonna be a Christmas song because I’m feeling festive! :)
> 
> PS: If you haven’t read the original Elizabeth and Philip: The Musical, you should check that out too! :)


	2. All I Want For Christmas Is You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off All I Want For Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey.

_I don’t want a lot for Christmas_  
_There is just one thing I need_  
_I don’t care about the presents_  
_Underneath the Christmas tree_

I sat by the tree on Christmas Eve night. I had my whole family with me. Mummy, Margaret, my children, and lots of extended family. But the one person I really wanted to be with was a million miles away.

Friends and family had been asking for weeks what I wanted for Christmas. I always answered a necklace or something generic. I didn’t really care what I got. Because I knew I wouldn’t get what I really wanted. Philip.

_I just want you for my own_  
_More than you could ever know_  
_Make my wish come true_  
_All I want for Christmas is you_

All I wanted for Christmas was to see Philip again. For him to come home. I wanted him to walk through the front door in the morning and hold me in his arms. But that couldn’t happen. Philip was somewhere near Antarctica, on the other side of the world.

At least I would hear his voice in the morning. He would be giving a speech just before mine. But that wouldn’t be anything personal. It was just to settle rumors of a rift between us. A rift that definitely existed.

The distance between us wasn’t just literal. We had grown apart. Part of me felt like I had let it happen. And in a way I had. I had hardly spoken to him in the days before he left. And the rift had started to form between us long before that. But then again, wasn’t a lot of that his fault? With his behavior after I became queen it was no wonder how we started to grow apart. He had made it nearly impossible for us to be together.

_I don’t want a lot for Christmas_  
_There is just one thing I need_  
_I don’t care about the presents_  
_Underneath the Christmas tree_

Mummy sat down next to me and put her hand on me knee. I jolted out of my thoughts.

“I know you miss him.” She told me. “And I know you want to be with him at Christmas. But you need to be strong.”

“Why did you send him away?” I asked. “Why did you think that was a good idea?”

“It was the best thing we could have done for him.” She explained. “He’s happier now than I’ve seen him in months. Years maybe.”

“But what about me? I’m the loneliest I’ve been in years. I know Philip and I haven’t been on the best terms lately, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need him.”

“Lilibet,”

“Now I’m all alone on Christmas because of you.” I was suddenly bitter.

“You’re not alone on Christmas.” Mummy tried to comfort me. “You have all of us.”

My anger faded back to sadness and I turned away from her to look at the Christmas tree again.

“But you’re not who I really want to be with.”

_I don’t need to hang my stocking_  
_There upon the fireplace_  
_Santa Claus won’t make me happy_  
_With a toy on Christmas Day_

Mummy sighed and walked away, realizing there was nothing she could do to help me.

I could hear everyone around me talking and laughing. The children played and sang Christmas carols. But I sat and looked at the tree, trying not to cry. Suddenly, Charles and Anne came up to me.

“Mummy, why do you look so sad?” Anne asked me. “It’s Christmas Eve. Father Christmas is coming tonight.”

“I’m not sad. I just miss your Daddy. That’s all.”

“I miss him too.” Anne remarried. Charles nodded.

“Children, why don’t you give your Mummy a hug?” Margaret chimed in sympathetically. “I think she needs it.”

The children and I hugged. I gave each of them a kiss on the head. I wished I could spend more time with them. They were all I had of Philip.

“Mummy, what did you ask Father Christmas for this year?” Anne asked.

“She can’t tell us or it won’t come true.” Charles told her.

“That’s right.” I said, knowing full well it didn’t matter. My wish wouldn’t come true anyway. “So you better keep quiet about your wishes if you want Father Christmas to come.”

I smiled sadly. Unless Father Christmas could bring Philip back to me, I didn’t care if he came at all.

_I just want you for my own_  
_More than you could ever know_  
_Make my wish come true_  
_All I want for Christmas is you_  
_You, baby_

“Kids, come here.” Margaret called to them. “I have a game for us to play.”

“Go play with Aunt Margaret.” I told them. “Thank you.” I mouthed to Margaret gratefully.

“Actually, I think Lilibet should join us.” She suggested, grabbing my hand. “Get your mind off Philip.

“Alright.” I got up reluctantly, not convinced anything could really take my mind off Philip. Besides an unreasonable amount of alcohol, and I doubted anyone in my family wanted to see me get wasted on Christmas Eve. Nor did I want to be hungover on Christmas. So I settled for a game with Margaret and the children.

“So what are we playing?” I asked.

“Snakes and Ladders.” She told us, opening the box.

We set up the game and played it five times. We were only going to play it four times, but each of us won once so we had a tiebreaker round. Charles won. We all had a good time. And I did temporarily forget about Philip. But as Margaret put the game away and the children ran off to play with their cousins, he creeped back into my mind again.

“Lilibet, I know you miss him.” Margaret said. “I know you want to spend Christmas with him, but you still have the rest of us. And tomorrow we’ll open presents and have fun.”

“I don’t care about any of that.” I replied. “All I want for Christmas is Philip.”

_Oh, I won’t ask for much this Christmas_  
_I won’t even wish for snow_  
_And I’m just gonna keep on waiting_  
_Underneath the mistletoe_

As everyone went to their own rooms to go to bed that night, I waited behind a little longer. I wandered around the room until I found myself standing under the mistletoe in the doorway. If only Philip was here to kiss me. To be here with me. To have him by my side again was all I wanted. But he was on the other side of the world. And I was alone on Christmas.

_I won’t make a list and send it_  
_To the North Pole for Saint Nick_  
_I won’t even stay awake to_  
_Hear those magic reindeer click_

I sighed and went up to my room. I kneeled down beside my bed and prayed. I prayed for Philip’s safety. And I prayed to God that somehow, I would be with Philip on Christmas.

I crawled into bed, but I didn’t fall asleep. Instead, I thought about Philip. I wondered what he was going. Did he miss me as much as I missed him? Did he wish he was spending Christmas with me? I hoped so. And I hoped that, even though he was a million miles away, he could still be with me tomorrow.

‘ _Cause I just want you here tonight_  
_Holding on to me so tight_  
_What more can I do?_  
_Baby, all I want for Christmas is you_  
_You, baby_

As I drifted off to sleep, I found myself wishing he was in bed with me, holding me tight. In my dream he was. In my dream, he held me in his arms. He kissed me and told me he loved me. As I woke up and the dream faded away, I heard him whisper one more thing.

“Happy Christmas, Lilibet.”

I opened my eyes and he was gone. I was all alone in bed as the first lights of Christmas morning streamed through my curtains.

“Happy Christmas, Philip.” I whispered, hoping somehow, he got the message.

_Oh, all the lights are shining so brightly everywhere_  
_And the sound of children’s laughter fills the air_

Suddenly, Charles and Anne burst into my room and jumped on my bed with excitement.

“Mummy, get up!” Anne shouted.

“It’s Christmas!” Charles said.

“Father Christmas came last night.” Anne added.

“Happy Christmas.” I told them sitting up. “Let’s head downstairs. I’m sure the others are waiting.”

The children and I joined the rest of the family. We ate breakfast and opened presents. We all laughed and had a wonderful time. But I still couldn’t help missing Philip and wishing he was there. I was also disappointed to find he hadn’t sent any presents for us. Or even a letter. But I didn’t have time to dwell on it. We had to listen to him give a Christmas speech over the radio. And then of course, I would have to give mine.

_And everyone is singing_  
_I hear those sleigh bells ringing_  
_Santa, won’t you bring me the one I really need?_  
_Won’t you please bring my baby to me?_

As we listened to Philip’s speech together, I found myself trying not to cry. I hadn’t expected it to be so personal. But it was like he was sending me a love letter through the radio. He did still love me. And he missed me too. As soon as his was finished, I rushed to make some quick changes to mine. He would be listening, and he had to know that I loved and missed him too. This was the closest I would be able to get to talking to him on Christmas.

_Oh, I just want you for my own_  
_More than you could ever know_  
_Make my wish come true_  
_Baby, all I want for Christmas is you_  
_You, baby_

Later that evening, when I was sitting in my room, Mummy brought me three packages, each with a letter attached to them.

“Lilibet, these are from Philip.” I gasped. “They just arrived. There’s one for you and one for each of the children.”

“Thank you.”

Mummy left me alone with the packages. I would bring the children theirs after I opened mine. I read the letter first.

“Dear Lilibet,

I know I haven’t been able to communicate with you much. I’m not much of a writer. But I had to write to you for Christmas. I hope this reaches you in time. I want you to know that I miss you and I can’t wait to come home. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas. I love you.

PS: There are two gifts in your package. One a small crown made of seashells, a gift to you from a local island girl who admires you. And the other, a beautiful necklace that I watched an island woman handmake. Beautiful gifts, but not quite as beautiful as you. Still, I hope these make you feel as though I am with you on Christmas, even tonight I can’t be. I hope you and the children like your presents. I love you all. Happy Christmas.

Philip.”

I opened the package and put on the crown and the necklace. And I did feel like he was with me, even though he wasn’t.

“I love you too, Philip.” I whispered. “Happy Christmas.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My next one will be based off a suggestion. If you have any suggestions for songs you want me to do or characters/situations you’d like to see, please leave them in the comments!
> 
> Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! :)


	3. Scared to Be Lonely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off Scared to Be Lonely by Martin Garrix ft Dua Lipa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S/O to mpcr2509 for the song suggestion. Also S/O to Any for the suggestion to do one about Elizabeth and Philip’s 10th wedding anniversary, even though I was already writing this when you left your comment. I might come back to it again, though and write a happier chapter about it.

_It was great at the very start_   
_Hands on each other_   
_Couldn’t stand to be far apart_   
_Closer the better_

I laid in bed with Philip. We had been married for ten years. It was hard to believe. It didn’t seem like it had been that long. And yet somehow, it seemed like it had been longer. We were just so far apart from the couple we were then.

Back then, we were young and in love. We slept in the same bed every night. We made love almost every night. We hardly ever fought, and when we did it was just a small argument. We couldn’t stand to be away from each other. We were so in love. We were happy. I wished we could go back to those days.

_Now we’re picking fights_   
_And slamming doors_   
_Magnifying all our flaws_

Now, we were almost the exact opposite. We usually slept in separate beds. We hadn’t had sex in weeks. And we fought constantly. About everything.

We had just had our tenth anniversary dinner, to celebrate “hitting our stride.” But the more I thought about it, the less sure I was that we really had it our stride. Granted we hadn’t fought as much in recent days. But that certainly wasn’t because our problems had gone away. It was because we had started ignoring them. We were turning away from our problems instead of confronting them head on. Not that confronting them had ever helped anything before.

Why had becoming queen caused us so many problems? I had expected things to change, but not like this. The crown had truly brought out the worst in both of us. And now we laid here, trying to pretend nothing was wrong. But everything was wrong, and I knew we couldn’t pretend for much longer.

_And I wonder why_   
_Wonder what for_   
_Why we keep coming back for more_

I sighed. Ten years. How had our marriage had survived this long? Probably because we had no other option. I wondered if we would still be married if we didn’t have to be. Would we have gotten divorced if we’d had the choice? I wasn’t sure we would’ve stayed together if leaving was an option.

I looked over at Philip, who was asleep next to me. I tried to savor the peace. I knew it couldn’t last much longer. This was just the calm before the next storm. Our marriage was just an endless cycle. Fight, make up, repeat. We could never stop the fighting because we could never really solve our problems. Ignoring them only made things worse. But ignoring them was so much easier than actually dealing with them. So we kept on ignoring it until we couldn’t anymore and we blew up at each other. I wasn’t sure we could ever change.

_Is it just our bodies?_   
_Are we both losing our minds?_   
_Is the only reason you’re holding me tonight_   
_‘Cause we’re scared to be lonely?_

I looked over at Philip. How was he sleeping? All I could do was think. And worry. Would Philip and I really be okay? I mean sure, we were together. In the same bed. Not fighting. But that didn’t mean anything. This peace wouldn’t last much longer.

Why were we suddenly getting along anyway? Was it really because things were getting better? Or was it because we came so close to falling apart? I was more inclined to think the latter. When he came back from the tour, our marriage was seriously on the rocks. We were so close to giving up. Was it fear that brought us back together? Were we scared of losing each other? Was the only reason we were together because we feared what might happen if we weren’t? Were we just scared to be lonely?

_Do we need somebody_   
_Just to feel like we’re alright?_   
_Is the only reason you’re holding me tonight_   
_‘Cause we’re scared to be lonely?_

I wondered what would happen to us if we did break up. Would we be okay? Would we survive alone? Could we live without each other? I wasn’t sure I could live without Philip. I needed him. I didn’t think I could go on without him. I needed his love and support, even though he didn’t give it very often. And I was sure he needed me too. Even though he would never admit it. As much as he pushed me away, I knew he loved me. I knew he wanted to hold me close. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be with me now, would he? He would be out drinking, or just sleeping in another room. But he wasn’t. He was right next to me. And that meant he still loved me, right?

I took a deep breath and tried to reassure myself that we would be okay. But my worries wouldn’t go away. I wasn’t convinced we had solved any of our problems. I wasn’t even convinced Philip still loved me. I just couldn’t be sure that we were really going to be alright.

_Too much time, losing track of us_   
_Where was the real?_   
_Undefined, spiraling out of touch_   
_Forgot how it feels_

Eventually, I saw the first streams of dawn light through the curtains. Philip was stirring beside me. He opened his eyes.

“Good morning, cabbage.” Philip told me, giving me a kiss. “How long have you been awake?”

“I never fell asleep.”

“Why not? Is something wrong?” He asked.

“Everything is wrong.” I replied. “We need to stop pretending that everything is fine when it isn’t.”

“What are you talking about?”

“We keep acting like our marriage is saved. Like we solved all our problems. Like we’ve hit some kind of stride and everything is fine now.” My voice rose slightly as I talked. “But it’s all a lie. We didn’t solve anything. And in the long run, ignoring our problems is only going to make them worse.”

“Lilibet, where is this coming from?”

“Don’t you get it?” I yelled. “We can’t go on like this! The more we pretend everything’s fine, the more problems we have! The closer we are to falling apart!”

“Lilibet, calm down. It’s alright.” He tried to wrap his arms around me but I pushed him away and got out of bed.

“Nothing is alright!” I screamed. I didn’t mean to blow up at him, but all my fears had boiled up and I had exploded. “How can you think anything is alright?” He got out of bed, but he didn’t get closer to me. He looked afraid to approach me.

“What’s happened to you?” He asked.

“What’s happened to us?” I shouted back.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He started to walk towards me. I picked up a case of flowers he had given me.

“We used to be happy!” I screamed. I threw the flowers at him, followed by the vase, which barely missed his head. “But now look at us. You don’t even love me anymore!”

_All the messed up fights_   
_And slamming doors_   
_Magnifying all our flaws_

“Jesus Christ.” Philip walked toward me. “Of course I still love you.” He cupped his hand under my chin but I slapped it away.

“Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not lying to you. Why are you being such a psycho this morning?”

“Excuse me?”

“I just woke up and you’re screaming and throwing shit at me.”

“Because you,” he cut me off with a slap to the face.

“No. Shut up. I don’t know what kind of shit your imagination worked up overnight, but get rid of it. You’re acting like a psychotic bitch.”

“You can’t just stand there and act like everything is fine.” I insisted. “How can you not realize that we haven’t solved anything?”

“And what exactly are our problems?”

“You don’t support me. All you do is whine and argue.”

“Not this again.”

“Yes, this again. And furthermore, you’re cheating on me.”

“I’m not cheating,”

“Or you at least have.” I cut him off. “You don’t think I know what’s going on? What you do at the Thursday Club, what you were always out doing with Mike?”

“And so all of this is my fault? All of these problems were created by me and only me? Because God forbid you take responsibility for your role in this.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You took my name, my home, and my career away, and then wonder why I’m unhappy. You send me on a five month trip abroad, then wonder why you’re lonely. What, did you not think that one through? Although, I’ll have you know, I was perfectly happy on that trip, so maybe you did get something right there.”

“Of course you were happy, you spent the trip sleeping with other women.” I spat back.

“Don’t start with that. Don’t act like you’re all innocent.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I know what you do when I’m not here. You’ve spent the last five months sleeping with Porchey.”

“No I haven’t! You’ve just deluded yourself into thinking that out of jealousy.”

“I haven’t. You’re a lying, hypocritical whore.” I gasped.

“I am not. But you didn’t deny it.”

“Deny what?”

“Deny cheating on me.” I explained. “Instead you turned the accusations on me.”

“I’m not cheating on you. I love you.” He said.

“How can you say you love me, then turn around and treat me like shit?”

“I don’t. You just take everything I do as a personal attack because you’re psycho.”

“You’re the one who takes everything as a personal attack!” I argued. “Since the day I became queen all you’ve done is whine and complain about every little thing. Well I’m sorry you’re an entitled brat who can’t handle the life you signed up for, but I refuse to be treated like shit because of it. Maybe you’re the psycho one.”

“Fuck you.” He pushed me against the wall and started to walk away.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me.” He turned back to face me. “Fuck you.” He walked out and slammed the door.

_And I wonder why_   
_Wonder what for_   
_It’s like we keep coming back for more_

I sank to the floor. I didn’t know whether to cry or scream. I was right. We hadn’t solved anything. We were going to have another fight. But had I pushed us to having it sooner than it should’ve? Maybe, but it needed to be said. I couldn’t bottle up all my worries any longer. I couldn’t help it if he reacted that way.

I almost couldn’t believe it. How could he say all that, then expect me to believe it when he said he loved me? And then he pushed me, said more awful things, and left. Not exactly behavior one would expect from someone who claims to love you. Maybe he really was the psycho one. Maybe it was both of us.

_Is it just our bodies_   
_Are we both losing our minds?_   
_Is the only reason you’re holding me tonight_   
_‘Cause we’re scared to be lonely?_

That night, I knocked on the door in his room. I wasn’t expecting him to be there, but to my surprise, he answered.

“Who is it?” He sounded annoyed.

“It’s me. Elizabeth.”

“Oh god.” He muttered. “Come in.”

I walked in shyly. I climbed in bed next to him. He looked confused and slightly pissed off.

“Good evening.” I said quietly.

“What do you want?” He snapped.

“I just wanted to talk to you.”

“About what?”

“This morning.” I told him. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.” He replied. “I really do love you.”

“Do you?” I was skeptical.

“Yes.” He ran a hand down my cheek and cupped it under my chin. “I do.” He leaned over and kissed me. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” I scooted over so I was sitting right next to him and leaned my head on his chest.

“Elizabeth, what the hell happened this morning?”

“I don’t know. I’ve just been so worried about us.”

“What’s wrong, cabbage?” He asked. “Did something happen?”

“Something’s been happening. To us. For a long time now. And we need to address our problems instead of ignoring them.”

“Everything is fine.” He said. I wanted to cry. How could he not realize that nothing was fine? Especially after our fight this morning.

“No. It’s not. And insisting that it’s fine isn’t going to make it fine. We need to,” he cut me off with a kiss.

“You just need to calm down.” He said against my lips.

“I,” I started to argue, but I stopped. Instead, I gave in to his kiss. The kiss grew deeper and more passionate as he undressed me. He reached a hand down and rubbed me as his lips moved to my neck. I moaned as he slipped one finger inside me, then another. He kissed and nipped at my neck. He kept on like this for awhile, but stopped just before I came. “What are you doing?” I whined. He moved my body so my legs were hanging off the bed. He got on his knees in front of me.

“You just lay back and enjoy this.” He told me. I moaned as he put his mouth on me. He knew just what to do to please me. I closed my eyes and leaned back, enjoying it.

“Fuck.” I moaned. I had forgotten how good he was at this. When I finished, he climbed back on the bed next to me.

“I love you.” He told me.

“I love you too.”

But as we climbed under the covers to go to sleep, doubts creeped back in my mind.

_Do we need somebody_   
_Just to feel like we’re alright?_   
_Is the only reason you’re holding me tonight_   
_‘Cause we’re scared to be lonely?_   
_Scared to be lonely_

I tried to push the worries from my mind and go to sleep. But I couldn’t. Was our marriage ruined? Was it just a matter of time before we fell apart completely? Did we really still love each other? I tried to push my fears from my mind but they wouldn’t leave. They kept building up in my mind until I exploded again. But this time I didn’t scream. I cried. I broke down in violent sobs. My cries woke up Philip, but I didn’t realize it until he spoke.

“Lilibet, what’s wrong?” He asked, snapping me out of my thoughts. I instantly felt bad for waking him up.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“I woke you up.” I explained.

“I’m glad you did.” He replied, wrapping his arms around me. “I wouldn’t want you to cry yourself to sleep alone.”

“You’re glad I woke you up?”

“Yes. I know you’ve been worried.” He told me. “And even though there’s nothing to worry about, I understand that you worry about us, and I know why. And I want to be there for you. To support you and comfort you, through all your worries. I love you.”

“I love you too.” I cried.

“Shh.” He comforted, giving me a kiss on the head. “Let’s get to sleep now.”

I cuddled up against him, and despite the fears swimming around in my head, I fell asleep.

_Even when we know it’s wrong_   
_Been somebody better for us all along_   
_Tell me, how can we keep holding on?_   
_Holding on tonight_   
_‘Cause we’re scared to be lonely_

The next morning, we didn’t fight. Instead, we went on with our usual routine of pretending nothing was wrong. Philip didn’t know why my worries wouldn’t go away, but I did. It was because they were very real. These problems weren’t just something I was building up in my mind. We had them, he just refused to acknowledge them.

After lunch, I went out to the stables. Porchey and I were meeting there to discuss some business things, like breeding and upcoming races and stuff like that.

We walked through the stables as we talked, and although I tried to stay focused, I was distracted. I hoped he wouldn’t notice, but he did.

“Lilibet, is something wrong?” He asked.

“No.” I replied.

“Really? Because you’re acting funny. You seem distracted. Have you even been paying attention?”

“Of course I have.”

“Really? You haven’t been arguing me. In fact, you’ve hardly reacted to anything I’ve said. You’ve just been nodding your head silently. You literally haven’t responded once. Rather out of character for you.”

“I have been listening.” I insisted.

“Name one thing I’ve suggested.”

“Something about…” I couldn’t think of anything. I sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s Philip.”

“What’d he do now?”

“Nothing.” Porchey raised an eyebrow. I started crying as I explained. “It’s just that we keep ignoring our problems. He’s just going along pretending that we solved all our problems but we didn’t. And it scares me. Because I know all our problems are still there, and they’re just getting worse. And I wonder how much longer we can go on like this, you know? How long before this all blows up in our faces? And when it finally does, will we be able to stay together? Or will we just fall apart completely?”

_Even when we know it’s wrong_   
_Been somebody better for us all along_   
_Tell me, how can we keep holding on?_   
_Holding on tonight_   
_‘Cause we’re scared to be lonely_

“Elizabeth,” Porchey sighed. “You and Philip will be fine.”

“You can’t know that.” I replied. “Philip and I will not be okay. I fear we’re past the point of no return. I should’ve listened to everyone years ago. I shouldn’t have married him. I should’ve married you instead. We would’ve been much better suited for each other. Mummy was right. Everyone was right.”

“Elizabeth, stop rambling.” Porchey cut me off. “You and I both know that’s not true. You love Philip and he loves you. We were not meant to be together and we both know it. You were meant to be with Philip.”

“How can you possibly know that?” I screamed. “Philip,”

“Stop.” He interrupted me. “Stop talking and listen to me. I know that you were meant to be with Philip. You two fought so hard to get married. Everyone tried to break you up but you two didn’t give up. You married each other because you love each other. It wouldn’t have worked out at all if you weren’t meant to be. Point is, you didn’t give up then and you can’t give up now.”

_Is it just our bodies?_   
_Are we both losing our minds?_   
_Is the only reason you’re holding me tonight_   
_‘Cause we’re scared to be lonely?_

Porchey wiped my tears and I hugged him.

“Thank you.” I told him. Porchey really did know exactly what to say to comfort me. He was one of the few people who always told me exactly what I needed to hear, because he didn’t care that I was the queen. To him, I was just his best friend. “You really are the best friend a woman could ask for.”

“It’s no problem.” He replied. “You know I’m here for you whenever you need me, Lilibet. Now go talk things out with Philip.” He pulled away from our hug.

“I will.” I nodded.

I left the stables and drove back to the palace. I needed to talk to Philip. I hoped he was there. He wasn’t. I was disappointed and slightly worried. Were we going back to our old ways? Where he stayed out all night drinking and doing god knows what else, while I stayed home alone? I hoped not. All the more reason I needed to talk to him now. The longer we avoided having this conversation, the more likely we were to go back to how we were.

I sat down on his bed and waited for him. Just before midnight, Philip finally returned. He was surprisingly sober. Good. We needed to have a serious conversation and we couldn’t have it if he was drunk.

“Where were you?” I started, standing up. I had to know before we started our conversation.

“I went out with a friend.”

“A friend from the Thursday Club?” I inquired.

“Yes. But we weren’t doing anything bad.” He defended himself.

“What exactly were you doing?”

“We went to the pub, talked with some other friends, and had a few drinks. That’s it.”

“Really? And it was all perfectly innocent.” I was skeptical. “There were no women involved?”

“No. I swear on my life that everything was perfectly innocent. Look, I’m not even drunk. What are you still doing up, anyway?”

I sighed. “I need to talk to you.”

“Is this more of your worries?”

“Philip, we have just had our tenth anniversary. And if our marriage is to last, another ten years, if it is to last for the rest of our lives, we need to sit down and talk things out. Lay out all our concerns and problems on the table and talk through them.”

“If this will help put your mind at ease,”

“It will.”

“Then fine. Let’s talk.”

We sat down on the bed together.

“Philip, if you have any concerns about our marriage, tell me now. Just say it.”

“Just,” he couldn’t seem to find the words. “I, you,”

“Whatever you have to say, just say it. Let it out. We both know keeping it inside won’t help anything.”

“There’s a couple of things.”

“Such as?”

“The first is Porchey.”

“Oh God, stop it.”

“No. If you have the right to be suspicious of me, I have the right to be suspicious of you.”

“I haven’t done anything to warrant suspicion.” I argued.  
  
“Let me finish. You wanted to have this conversation. Hear me out.”

“Fine.” I sighed. “Go on.”

“It’s just that I know you two have history together. I know you had a fling when I was away during the war. And it’s pretty obvious he still has feelings for you. I’ve seen the way he looks at you.”

“But Philip, I don’t have feelings for him. There’s nothing going on between us.” He sighed.  
  
“I know.”

“Do you?”

“Yes. I just don’t like the idea of another man being in love with my wife.”

“Philip, do you know why I’m here right now? What lead me to waiting up for you so we could have this conversation? Porchey.”

“What?” He asked, confused.

“I was at the stables today and I was talking to Porchey, just about business and stuff, but he could tell something was wrong.” I explained. “He could tell I was distracted. I told him what’s been going on, and you know what he told me? He said he can tell that we love each other and that we’re meant to be, because we wouldn’t have fought so hard to get married if we weren’t. He told me that we didn’t give up then, and we couldn’t give up now. And he told me to talk to you. Do those sound like the words of someone who’s some kind of threat to you? No. He cares about me and he loves me as a friend, but we are nothing more than that.”

“I’m sorry.” Philip sighed. “I shouldn’t get so jealous. It’s just that I love you, and I’m afraid of losing you. Which brings me to my other concern.”

“Which is?”

“You’re not you anymore.” He said. “You’ve changed. I knew that you would have to change to become queen, but this is more extreme than I had imagined. Did becoming king change your father like this?”

“It changed him, but I’ll admit he handled it better than I have.” I replied. “But then again, he also had the advantage of a supporting consort by his side.”

“Elizabeth, I’m sorry.” Philip sighed.

“It isn’t all your fault. Some things are on me. I didn’t used to internalize things so much. But I feel like I’m not allowed to express my emotions anymore. So I let them build up until I explode. And I know that’s not healthy. I may not be able to express emotions in public, but in private I need to learn to handle them more openly. But some of that comes down to you too. We both need to confront our problems head on, instead of trying to ignore them.”

“I know.” He replied. “And a lot of that comes down to what I know is your biggest concern about me. That I’m not here for you.”

“Exactly.” I nodded. “I need you to be here for me. To support me. And we need to be more open and honest with each other. Because deep down, I think we both know what our real problem is.”

“And what is that?”

“We’re scared of losing each other.”

Philip nodded and we sat in silence for a moment, until he spoke. 

“Lilibet, I think I realized something tonight.”

“What?” I asked.

“I don’t think we have to fear losing each other anymore.” He answered. “I think we’ve both just agreed to hold on to each other. And I’m sure as hell going to hold on to you. Tighter than ever.”

“And I’m going to hold on to you too.” I agreed. Philip leaned over and kissed me.

“I love you.” He told me.

“I love you too.”

_Scared to be lonely_   
_Scared to be lonely_   
_Scared to be lonely_

Philip and I went to bed that night, and he held me as I drifted off to sleep, finally free of the worries that had been nagging at me for weeks. I knew now that Philip and I really were going to make it. We were holding each other tight now, and we were never letting go.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any suggestions for songs you want me to do or characters/situations you’d like to see, please leave them in the comments! 
> 
> Also, I have gotten a request to do one where Elizabeth gets injured. I really want to write it and I even have a plot figured out (basically Philip is going to be flying Elizabeth somewhere and the plane is gonna crash and she’s gonna be in a coma and it’ll focus on his guilt and stuff.) I’m really excited about this, but I can’t think of a song. If you know a song I could put this to, please let me know in the comments. Thanks! :)


	4. I Won't Give Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is from Philip's POV. The ending is based off a suggestion by Trixie2314.

_ When I look into your eyes _

_ It’s like watching the night sky _

_ Or a beautiful sunrise _

_ Well, there’s so much they hold  _

 

I laid in bed with Elizabeth. It had to be at least two in the morning. But we didn’t care. We just laid and talked. Eventually the conversation died off, but it didn’t matter. We were content to just lay there with each other. I was content to just look at her. Even in the dark I could see her brilliant blue eyes. I swore to god she had the most beautiful eyes in the world. Looking into them was like looking at the night sky, or the sunrise. They were incredible pools of emotions that she felt she couldn’t outwardly express. All I had to do was look into her eyes, and she transported me into another world. Her world. 

 

How had I gotten so lucky? I smiled.

 

“What?” She asked. I kissed her.

 

“Just admiring how beautiful you are.” She blushed, and I saw a shimmer in her amazing, blue eyes. 

 

_ And just like them old stars _

_ I see that you’ve come so far _

_ To be right where you are _

_ How old is your soul? _

 

I kissed her again and took her in my arms. I couldn’t help it. I was so in love with her. I would never be sure how I got so lucky, to marry the most beautiful, amazing woman in the world. But I would never take it for granted. I loved her with every fiber of my being. She was my life. My world. And I wanted her to know it. 

 

And I was so proud of how far she’d come and the woman she had become. She might have thought I hated her now, but that couldn’t have been further from the truth. I had loved watching her transform from a shy young princess to a confident queen. I may not have liked every decision she made, but I understood she had to make them. 

 

She still looked like the woman I married, but on the inside she had grown so much. I figured her soul must be much older than her by now. But I knew that somewhere deep down, she was and always would be my Lilibet. And I would always love her. More than she could possibly know. 

 

_ Well, I won’t give up on us _

_ Even if the skies get rough _

_ I’m giving you all my love _

_ I’m still looking up  _

 

Elizabeth and I had been through so much in the last few years. Her becoming queen had taken quite a toll on our marriage. But we had gotten through it. We’d had rough patches. We’d had fights. But I thought the worst of it was over. We had hit our stride. 

 

“What are you thinking about?” Elizabeth asked, snapping me out of my thoughts.

 

“How much I love you.” I replied. She smiled and kissed my bare chest. “You know, we’ve come a long way.”

 

“We have.” She agreed. “There was a time when I feared you might not love me anymore.”

 

“Darling, I could never stop loving you.” I told her. “You’re my world. No matter how bad things got, and I’ll admit they got pretty bad, I never could’ve give up on you. I could never give up on us. I love you.” 

 

_ And when you’re needing your space _

_ To do some navigating  _

_ I’ll be here patiently waiting _

_ To see what you find  _

 

“I love you too.” Elizabeth replied. For a moment, we just laid there in silence, until she spoke again. “I have to get ready for work.” 

 

“Alright.” I reluctantly let go of her so she could get out of bed. I could’ve laid there with her my whole life, but I knew she had a job to do. She had a busy day of queening ahead of her. 

 

When I saw her again, it was late that afternoon. I saw her walking to her room. She looked upset and stressed. Her expression and posture have nothing away, but I could see it in her eyes. I followed her into her room. 

 

“What’s wrong?” I asked her as she sat down on her bed. She sighed. I sat down next to her. 

 

“It’s Margaret.” She told me.

 

“What’d she do now?”

 

“She wants to marry Tony.”

 

“The photographer?” 

 

“Yes.”

 

“Is that a problem?” I asked.

 

“It might be.” She replied. “But I’m sure everything will be fine. I just need some time to think.”

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” I offered. “Or should I just give you some space?”

 

“Some space would be nice.” She answered.

 

“Alright, darling.” I got up and kissed her on the cheek. “I’ll be in my room if you need me.” She nodded.

 

I went back to my room and sat on my bed. I wasn’t sure what the problem was with Margaret marrying Tony, but I suspected there was more on her mind than she was telling me. I sighed. There wasn’t much I could do. She’d come to me if she needed to. I just had to be patient with her. She was the kind of woman who just needed her space to think sometimes. And I cared about her enough to give it to her. 

 

_ ‘Cause even the stars they burn _

_ Some even fall to the earth _

_ We’ve got a lot to learn _

_ God knows we’re worth it _

_ No, I won’t give up  _

 

Elizabeth never came to me so I decided it was best to leave her alone for the night. I didn’t see her again until the next morning at breakfast. She didn’t look well and she hardly said anything to me.

 

“Good morning.” I said, sitting down.

 

“Good morning.” She replied quietly, giving me a small smile.

 

“Is something wrong?” I asked. 

 

“No.” She denied. “I’m fine.”

 

“Darling, I can tell you don’t feel well.” I told her. “I can see it in your eyes.”

 

“Really? You can read me that well?”

 

“After almost twelve years of marriage, I’ve learned how to tell how you’re feeling even when you won’t say it.”

 

“Nothing’s wrong.” She denied again, obviously lying. “I’m just tired.” 

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yes. I’m fi-” Suddenly she violently threw up all over herself. 

 

“Oh, god.” I hadn’t seen her throw up like that in a long time. I got up to help her. I took the napkin from her lap and set it aside. It was covered in vomit. I took mine and tried to wipe some of the puke off her skirt. “Are you alright?” 

 

“I’ll be fine. It was probably something I a-” She threw up again, on my hands. I wiped off my hands as best as I could, and grabbed hers to help her stand up.

 

“Let’s go get you cleaned up.” I said. I lead her to our bathroom. “Before we do anything else, are you done throwing up now?”

 

“I think so.” She nodded. I sat her down on the toilet while I drew her bath. 

 

“Come on.” I told her when it was ready. I helped her undress and get into the bathtub. “Are you feeling better now?” I asked once she was settled in.

 

“Yes.” 

 

“Good.” I gave her a kiss on the forehead. Suddenly she started crying. “What’s the matter?” 

 

“I don’t know. I guess I’ve just been kind of sad lately.” She replied.

 

“About what?” 

 

“Everything. Me. You. Us.”

 

“What about us?”

 

“Sometimes I wonder if we’re falling apart.” She explained. “We fight. And sometimes it feels like you’re distant. And sometimes I still do worry that you don’t love me. I mean, why would you? I’m cold and distant and somehow not allowed to be human. Not to mention I’m starting to get old and,"

 

“Shh.” I cut her off. “Calm down, Lilibet. Of course I still love you. I could never stop loving you. You’re beautiful and amazing. Our marriage isn’t perfect, but it’s wonderful. I know that even after all this time we still have a long way to go, and we still have a lot to learn, but everything will be fine. We’re worth the trouble and the hard times. I love you. And I need you.”

 

“I need you too.” We fell into peaceful silence.

 

Eventually, I got her out of the bath. I dried her off and helped her put on some dry clothes. However, at my insistence, she didn’t go to any meetings or anything that day. She stayed in her room and rested. She laid down on her bed and I sat down next to her. As she drifted off to sleep, she reached for my hand. “Philip, don’t leave.” I laid down next to her and wrapped my arms around her. 

 

“Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere.” 

 

_ I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily  _

_ I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make _

_Our differences they do teach us how to use_

_The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake_

 

We laid there in silence. I thought about what she’d said in the bathtub. I didn’t like the thought of my poor Lilibet feeling so sad and alone. I loved her so much, and I regretted not having been there to support her in the past. I made a silent vow to make up for that. She deserved a husband to love and support her, and I was determined to be that person. 

 

“Lilibet,” I said softly. “I’m sorry.”

 

“For what?” 

 

“I’ve left you alone, haven’t I?” I replied. “I haven’t been there for you.”

 

“That’s true.”

 

“Lilibet, I know I’m why you’ve been so depressed.”

 

“You’re only part of the reason.” She told me. “There’s a lot of other factors. Mainly me. I’m,”

 

“Whatever you’re about to say, stop it.” I cut her off. “Stop running yourself down. You’re beautiful and smart and incredible. And I’m sorry I haven’t acted like it lately. I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you. But I promise to change. I love you and I want to be here for you. No matter what happens, I will never give up on you. I will always be here for you.”

 

Elizabeth cuddled up to me, but for awhile, she didn’t respond. Finally, she spoke.

 

“Philip, sometimes I wonder why I married you.” She remarked. I was hurt, but I understood where she was coming from. “I mean, we’re so different. And we seem so mismatched. No one supported it. And sometimes I wonder why we pressed on anyway.”

 

“Because we love each other.” I told her. “And because, at the end of the day, our differences are what make us right for each other. Your strengths are my weaknesses and your weaknesses are my strengths. We fit together perfectly. We each carry the missing pieces of the other. We wouldn’t be complete without each other. You help me carry on, and I help you. Yes, sometimes I don’t know how I put up with you. And I can imagine that sometimes you don’t know how you put up with me. But we take each other for our strengths and weaknesses. We take each other for our perfections and our faults. Because we love each other. And in the end that’s all that matters.” 

 

_ And in the end, you’re still my friend at least we didn’t intend _

_ For us to work we didn’t break, we didn’t burn _

_We had to learn to bend without the world caving in_

_I had to learn what I’ve got, and what I’m not, who I am_

 

Elizabeth smiled, and for a while, we were quiet again. I held her in my arms, as I started to drift off to sleep, but I was startled awake by her voice.

 

“Philip, are you sure that we’ll make it?” She asked.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Are you sure that, in the end, we’ll be alright? Are you sure that we’ll always be together?”

 

“It’s not like we have another choice.” I responded.

 

“That’s not very reassuring.”

 

“I’m serious. We have no other choice but to stay together. But I wouldn’t want another choice. And even if there was one, I wouldn’t take it.”

 

“So, even if we could divorce, you wouldn’t want to?” 

 

“No. And I hope you wouldn’t want to either.” I remarked.

 

“Of course I wouldn’t.” 

 

“And that’s how I know that we’ll be alright.” I explained. “We love each other and we want to stay together matter what. So I know that no matter how hard things get, we’ll make it through. We’ve already been through so much. It hasn’t been easy, but we’ve gotten through it because we love each other and we need each other. And that gives me faith that we’ll always get through it. Because we’ll always love each other and we’ll always need each other.”

 

“I hope you’re right.” Elizabeth replied.

 

“I know I am.” I reassured her. “In fact, I think we’ve already gotten through the worst of it.”

 

“I hope so.” I sighed, knowing there was no way to make her feel as sure as I was that everything was fine. I knew there was no convincing her anxious mind. So I kissed her on the head and held her tighter. 

 

“I love you.” I told her. She sighed. 

 

“Now.” Her remark took me by surprise.

 

“What?”

 

“You love me now. But there was a time when you didn’t.”

 

“Lilibet, that’s not true.” I replied. “I have always loved you. I just may not have always acted like it. But you don’t understand. It was a hard time for me. It was hard to adjust to you being queen. It seemed like you weren’t you anymore. I was afraid our marriage was ruined, so I dealt with it in ways I wish I wouldn’t have. I regret all those nights that I went out and got drunk. I regret all those nights that I left you alone here, thinking I had stopped loving you. I regret that I pushed you away when I should’ve held you closer. But I’m here now. Because I had to learn that we could get through it together. I had to learn that pushing you away didn’t solve anything. Most importantly, I learned what my role is. I learned who I am. My role is to love and support you. You are my world. And I want to love and support you like I’m supposed to. So maybe I needed to make all those mistakes to realize this. Maybe I needed to almost lose you to realize how much I need you. How much I love you.”

 

_ I won’t give up on us _

_ Even if the skies get rough  _

_ I’m giving you all my love _

_ I’m still looking up, I’m still looking up  _

 

Elizabeth cuddled up to me and buried her face in my chest. 

 

“Philip, I love you more than you can imagine.” She told me.

 

“Actually, I can imagine.” I replied. “Because that’s how much I love you.” 

 

“I’m sorry.” She said suddenly. 

 

“For what?”

 

“For how I’ve been acting.” She explained. “I’ve been questioning you and acting like you don’t love me, even though I know you do. I-”

 

“Lilibet, you have nothing to apologize for.” I interrupted. “I’ve given you every reason to be suspicious. If anyone should be apologizing it’s me. I haven’t been acting like I should. I’ve been a complete asshole to you. I’m sorry.”

 

“I forgive you.” She replied. “Because I love you. And I know you love me.” She looked up at me, and for the first time in awhile, there was no worry in her beautiful blue eyes. 

 

_ Well, I won’t give up on us (no I’m not giving up) _

_ God knows I’m tough enough (I am tough, I am loved) _

_ We’ve got a lot to learn (we’re alive, we are loved) _

_ God knows we’re worth it (and we’re worth it) _

 

Suddenly, a new look flashed in her eyes. It was a look as though she remembered something important. 

 

“Philip, there’s something I have to tell you.” 

 

“What is it, cabbage?”

 

“I saw John Weir yesterday, as I’ve been throwing up for a few days now.” She explained. John Weir was the family doctor. 

 

“And what did he say?”

 

“I’m pregnant.”

 

“Really? That’s wonderful.” I replied. “I know how much you’ve been wanting another child.”

 

“Do you want more children?”

 

“Of course.” I told her. “Maybe this can be the start of a whole new chapter for us. Put all our problems and worries behind us and focus on a whole new future, for us and our children. I really think we can do it now. Sure there will be bumps in the road, but we’ll get through them just fine. Because now we know that we truly love each other enough to work it out. We love each other enough to know we’re never giving up.”

 

_ I won’t give up on us _

_ Even if the skies get rough  _

_ I’m giving you all my love  _

_ I’m still looking up  _

 

“That sounds wonderful.” Elizabeth replied.

 

“Hold on.” I had an idea. “Wait here. I’ll be right back.”

 

I went to the kitchen and came back with two wine glasses full of water. Traditionally toasts were done with champagne, but Elizabeth couldn’t drink while she was pregnant. Also she wasn’t feeling very well, so I figured it was best to stick with water. 

 

“What are those for?” She asked, confusion in her gorgeous blue eyes. 

 

“Sit up.” I told her. She did and I handed her a glass. “They’re for us. A toast to a whole new future. And a promise.”

 

“A promise to what?”

 

“A promise to never give up.”

 

“I promise.” She smiled.

 

“I promise.” I replied. We toasted our glasses and laughed. 

 

“I love you.” She told me.

 

“I love you too.” I told her. “And I always will.” 

 

I looked into her beautiful eyes, and I knew it was true. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any suggestions for songs you want me to do or characters/situations you’d like to see, please leave them in the comments!
> 
> Also, I have gotten a request to do one where Elizabeth gets injured. I really want to write it and I even have a plot figured out (basically Philip is going to be flying Elizabeth somewhere and the plane is gonna crash and she’s gonna be in a coma and it’ll focus on his guilt and stuff.) I’m really excited about this, but I can’t think of a song. If you know a song I could put this to, please let me know in the comments. 
> 
> I came up with a new fanfiction idea and I was wondering if anyone would actually be interested in reading it. I have actually written the first chapter. It's called Truth or Dare. Here's a short synopsis: "Since I became queen, I have found myself surrounded my men who lie to me and try to use me. But to uncover the truth, how far dare I go?" Fair warning, it would involve Elizabeth doing some pretty shady things, including sleeping with several men that aren't Philip. If anyone would actually be interested in reading this, let me know in the comments and I will go ahead and publish the first chapter. Thanks! :)


	5. I Only Have Eyes For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off I Only Have Eyes For You by The Flamingos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S/O to love this story! for the suggestion. Hope you like it! :)

_ My love must be a kind of blind love _

_ I can’t see anyone but you  _

 

I stared blankly as Philip stormed out of the room. Everything had been going fine, until we got into another fight. I wasn’t even sure what I’d said to set him off. But before I knew it he was screaming and cussing at me. I didn’t understand. I hadn’t done anything. Why was he like this? 

 

Sitting alone on my bed, I felt my heart break for the millionth time. I was surprised I still had a heart for him to break at this point. Or was that why I had one? Was it just there for him to break when he felt like it? Was I just someone to take his frustrations out on when he needed it? Did my emotions mean nothing to him? Evidently not.

 

But I was still as in love with him as I was the day I married him. Blindly in love with him, in more ways than one. So blindly in love I ignored the fact that all he did was hurt me. So blindly in love I ignored the fact that there might have been someone better for me. 

 

_ Are the stars out tonight _

_ I don’t know if it’s cloudy or bright  _

_ I only have eyes for you dear  _

 

I stared out the window. Not that I was really looking. My brain wouldn’t pay attention to what my eyes were seeing. I gave a small smile at the irony. That seemed to be a consistent problem in my life. I stared out the window, but I couldn’t even tell if the stars were out. I didn’t care. All I could think about was Philip. And all I saw was an empty space where he should have been. 

 

I wanted to cry. But I couldn’t. I had numbed myself to my emotions. It was easier that way. Easier to ignore the constant hurt Philip made me feel. Easier to ignore the fact that he didn’t love me. Easier to ignore reality. 

 

I laid back down on my bed and closed my eyes. There, I saw all I really wanted to see. Philip. 

 

_ The moon may be high _

_ But I can’t see a thing in the sky _

_ I only have eyes for you  _

 

The next day, I hardly saw Philip at all. He was probably avoiding me. I went about my normal business, trying to ignore the ache in my chest. 

 

That afternoon, I got a call. 

 

“Hello?” I answered.

 

“Lilibet,” It was Porchey. “You don’t have anything important going on this afternoon do you?”

 

“No.”

 

“Good. Because you do now.” 

 

“What?” 

 

“One of our mares is going into labor.” He explained. “Which means that we have a foal to go see.”

 

“Really?” I smiled. I was grateful for the good news. “That’s wonderful.” 

 

“Would you like me to come pick you up?” 

 

“Sure.” 

 

“Alright. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

 

Porchey arrived about twenty minutes later and we headed down to the stables. The foal was healthy and adorable. We took the opportunity to inspect some of our other horses and see how they were doing. And of course to catch up with each other. I hadn’t gotten the chance to spend much time with him lately. 

 

“So how’s Philip?” Porchey asked. I had temporarily forgotten about Philip. But Porchey’s question reminded me of our fight last night. I sighed.

 

“He’s alright. I think.” 

 

“Is something wrong?”

 

“No. Everything’s fine.” I denied. 

 

“Are you sure?” I shook my head. I knew there was no point lying to him. He knew me far too well for me to get away with that. 

 

“We got in an argument last night.” I told him. “But I’m sure we’ll be fine.”

 

“What were you arguing about?”

 

“I don’t know. We were just talking when all of a sudden he snapped at me. I’m not really sure what I said to set him off. But he hasn’t spoken to me since.”

 

“I’m sorry.” 

 

“So am I.” 

 

We stood in silence for a moment. Suddenly, Porchey looked up at the sky.

 

“It looks like it’s getting late.” He remarked. “Would you like to get dinner?”

 

“Yes. That sounds nice.” 

 

Porchey and I went out to a restaurant, but we were quiet now. I didn’t really feel like talking anymore. I felt like I should’ve been back at the palace, eating dinner with Philip, despite the fact that he probably wasn’t there anyway. It was better to be out with a friend than wallowing in loneliness, right? No. At least, I didn’t feel like it was. 

 

Being with Porchey suddenly reminded me of a lot of things, and none of them made me feel good. I was reminded of how everyone told me to marry him instead of Philip and I ignored them. Deep down I knew that I probably would’ve been happier had I married Porchey, but I constantly denied it to myself. I loved Philip and I blinded myself to the fact that I had other options. 

 

It also reminded me how Philip hated Porchey. Philip would probably start another argument with me if he knew I was here. He was so jealous. I suddenly felt guilty for being here, even though I wasn’t doing anything wrong. 

 

The car ride back to the palace was silent, except for the noise of the car. I looked out the window at the moon. But I wasn’t really looking at the moon. At least I wasn’t really seeing it. All I saw was my loneliness reflected back at me. I wished Philip was with me. Did he wish he was with me too? Or did he hate me? Somehow, the answer to that question didn’t matter. I loved him. And I would remain in love with him no matter how he felt about me. Without him, I had nothing. Without him, I was empty.

 

_ I don’t know if we’re in a garden _

_ Or on a crowded avenue  _

 

Much to my disappointment, Philip wasn’t there when I returned. Not that I was surprised. I crawled into bed, hoping that Philip would come home and drunkenly whisper my name. He never did. 

 

I tried not to be sad. It was probably for the better anyway. It’s not like it was ever a good idea to acknowledge him when he was drunk. It never ended well. But it would’ve been something. Some kind of sign that he didn’t hate me. That he wanted to be with me. But there was nothing. 

 

I didn’t want to cry. I was tired of feeling so sad and alone. So I closed my eyes and let myself drift off into sleep, hoping he would be with me in my dreams. He was, but it didn’t help. It just made me sadder when I woke up. Because he wasn’t really there. He didn’t really want to be with me. 

 

I didn’t see him until that afternoon. I saw him in his room. It looked like he was getting ready to go somewhere.

 

“Where are you off to?” I asked him, walking in. He hadn’t heard or seen me come in and he turned around startled. 

 

“Just a house party.” 

 

“Oh.” 

 

“I’ll be back soon, don’t worry.” He kissed me on the cheek and started to leave.

 

“No you won’t.” I muttered. 

 

“What was that?” He turned around.

 

“You won’t be back soon. You never are.” 

 

“Lilibet, listen, I promise I’ll be back,”

 

“No.” I cut him off. “I don’t want to hear your promises. They’re just lies. And I’m tired of listening to your lies. I just want to know the truth.”

 

“The truth about what?”

 

“Why don’t you want to spend time with me anymore?” 

 

“I do. It’s just that you’re never around.”

 

“Don’t even start with that. I’m here plenty. I’m here right now and for the rest of today. You could spend time with me if you wanted to. But you don’t want to. Why?”

 

“I don’t know.” He shrugged. 

 

“Yes you do.” The fear that had been building up inside me came spilling out. “It’s because you don’t love me, isn’t it?”

 

“Of course not. I do love you.”

 

“No you don’t.” I insisted. “You wouldn’t act like this if you did.” 

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

“You wouldn’t treat me like shit if you loved me.” 

 

“I don’t treat you like shit.”

 

“You do. You lie to me, you ignore me, you yell at me for no reason, you say nasty things to me. You hurt me.” Philip tried to hug me, but I backed away. “No. I just want to know one thing.”

 

“Name it.” He sighed.

 

“Why don’t you love me?” Philip suddenly looked angry.

 

“You want the truth? Fine. I don’t love you. I don’t want you. I don’t even like you. In fact, I hate you. You don’t even know what you’ve done to me. You lie to me. You hurt me. You took everything from me. I fucking hate you. That’s why I don’t want to spend time with you. I can’t stand to look at you. Because every time I look at your face, I see the monster that killed the woman I loved. The woman I married is gone. You are a psychotic bitch. You can’t even imagine what you’ve done to me. You hurt me worse than I ever hurt you. I don’t even think you can be hurt. You can’t feel. You just manipulate me into believing that I’m the villain. But the villain is you. And I can’t love you.” He started to walk out. 

 

All the tears I had been holding back came flooding out. None of what he had said about me was true, and I wanted him to know that. I just couldn’t live with Philip hating me. 

 

“Philip!” I yelled after him. He turned around angrily.

 

“What do you want?” 

 

“I want you to love me!” I screamed, tears streaming down my face. I sank to the floor, violent sobs wracking my body. 

 

Philip walked toward me slowly, like I was a dangerous animal. Perhaps, that was exactly how he saw me. He sat down beside me. I reached out for him, but I found myself unable to move toward him. It was like I was paralyzed. I was crying so hard that I was beginning to have trouble breathing. At this point, my sobs were coming out as panicked choking noises.

 

“Oh god. Calm down.” Philip laid down beside me and wrapped his arms around me. “Shh. Breathe.” He kissed me on the cheek and wiped my tears. “Calm down.”

 

Slowly, I relaxed. I took a deep breath and felt my body calm down again. 

 

“Philip, I love you.” I said, exhausted.

 

“I love you too.”

 

“I thought you hated me.” 

 

“I don’t. I thought I did, but seeing you like that made me realize that I don’t. I love you. You’re not a monster. You’re a beautiful woman.” Philip sighed. “How did I think you couldn’t feel anymore? How did I not realize how bad I’d hurt you?”

 

“Because I’ve been bottling up my emotions. And they just exploded violently.” 

 

“Well, you better stop doing that, then.” He smiled slightly. “Start telling me how you’re feeling.”

 

“If I’m going to start telling you how I'm feeling, then you need to start being here.” 

 

“I will. I promise.”

 

Philip helped me up and led me to the bed. I fell asleep quickly in his arms. As I slept, I was no longer aware of where we were. I could have been sleeping in a garden or on the street for all I knew. But I was still aware of his presence. And in his arms, I slept better than I had in months.

 

_ You are here and so am I _

_ Maybe millions of people go by _

_ But they all disappear from view _

_ And I only have eyes for you _

 

The next day, Philip was waiting for me in my bedroom when I got off work. 

 

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

 

“I wanted to spend some time with you tonight.” 

 

“I would love that.” I smiled. Philip crossed the room and kissed me.

 

“I thought we might go dancing. Or something romantic like that.” He suggested.

 

“That sounds lovely.” I replied. “Just wait here a minute. I’m going to put on something a little more appropriate for a date night.”

 

I left and came back a few minutes later with my hair and makeup done up, and in a different dress of course. It was blue. Not too fancy, but tighter and more revealing than what I usually wore. 

 

“You look beautiful.” Philip told me. “Let’s go.”

 

Philip took me to a pub and after a couple drinks, we danced. The floor was crowded, but I didn’t notice. I hardly saw them. It was like we had the dance floor all to ourselves. All I saw was him. Which was fine with me. Because he was all I needed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any suggestions for songs you want me to do or characters/situations you’d like to see, please leave them in the comments! Thanks! :)
> 
> Also, I have the songs for the injury one narrowed down to a couple so hopefully I'll be starting that soon!


	6. It Will Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off It Will Rain by Bruno Mars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S/O to Haley the plot suggestion. Hope you like it! :)
> 
> Also, sorry this took so long to write. I’ve been really busy lately.

_If you ever leave me, baby_   
_Leave some morphine at my door_

I boarded the plane with Elizabeth. We were headed up to Balmoral, but it was more exciting than usual. Instead of taking the train, I was flying us up there. It would be just the two of us. A little escape from the scrutiny of our daily lives.

I let Elizabeth climb in the cockpit next to me. Maybe after this experience, she would realize why I loved flying so much. She would see the beauty. The view. The open air. The freedom.

“I’m a little nervous.” Elizabeth admitted as she strapped herself in.

“Don’t worry.” I reassured her. “You’ll be safe with me.”

She gave me a small smile. For a moment before we took off, I just stared at her. God, she was beautiful. Her blue eyes never failed to take my breath away. And behind those eyes, sat a kind, beautiful heart, despite the fact that she’d had to harden it recently.

In that moment, I realized for the millionth time how lucky I was to have her. I couldn’t imagine losing her. I couldn’t imagine the pain. Just the thought sent a pang through my chest. I loved her so much. And I knew I could never survive without her.

‘ _Cause it would take a whole lot of medication_  
 _To realize what we used to have,_  
 _We don’t have it anymore_

“It’s beautiful up here.” Elizabeth remarked. We were flying over the Scottish mountains.

“Now do you understand why I love it so much?”

“Yes.” She answered. “It must be a thrilling escape for you.”

“It is. It’s an escape from the courtiers. From the scrutiny of palace life.” I laughed. “An escape from you, too.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She sounded hurt. I had meant it as a joke, but I should’ve known she wouldn’t take it that way.

“Nothing, cabbage. It’s just a joke.”

“Sure it is.” She sighed.

“Lilibet, I promise that was just a joke. I love you. I would never want to escape from you.”

“Of course you do. I just always thought you escaped by getting drunk and sleeping with other women.”

“Lilibet, that’s not-”

“Maybe you use flying to do that. Do you take other girls up here like this? Take them up in the sky, woo them with the beautiful view, and land at some estate to have a few drinks and make love? Sounds quite romantic. I have to admit I’m jealous.”

“Lilibet, I would never do that.” Her accusations hurt, first and foremost because they weren’t true. “I love you.”

“No, you don’t.” There were tears in her eyes. “You don’t even care about me. You don’t give a shit about anyone but yourself.”

“I do love you. And I do care about you. The question is, do you love me?”

“Of course I do.”

“Well, you don’t act like it. You take everything from me, you basically become a different person, you’re always around Porchey, and then you turn around and yell at me and accuse me of shit, as if I’m the one who’s been doing something wrong. You act like I’ve betrayed you, when you’re the one who’s betrayed me.”

“So you do want to escape from me. You don’t love me.” Tears were streaming down her face. I wasn’t paying attention to flying the plane anymore. My focus had turned to our fight. And I was pissed.

“You know what, fine! Be that way! Maybe I do hate you!”

“What?” Her eyes has turned to pools of hurt and sadness. She looked distraught, but for some reason, I didn’t care.

“You heard me!” I screamed. “I fucking hate you!”

Suddenly, we hit something. Hard. And everything went black.

I woke up to the smell of smoke. I opened my eyes. I was laying at the foot of a mountain, in the wreckage of my plane. The engine was on fire. Instincts kicked in and I leapt to my feet to run for safety. Suddenly, I tripped over something. It was Elizabeth.

“Oh God,” I whispered to myself. She was unconscious and covered in blood. She was half-trapped in the wreckage. I tried to keep myself calm as I dug her out. I picked her up and ran, clutching her tightly in my arms. As soon as we were safe from the burning wreckage of the plane, I stopped to rest. I layed Elizabeth on the ground and knelt down beside her.

“Elizabeth!” I shook her and tried to wake her, but it didn’t work. She was still breathing, though, and she still had a pulse. She was alive, but I knew she was severely injured. I was no doctor, but I knew there was a chance she may not survive. I took her motionless hands in mine and rested my forehead on hers. I gave her a soft kiss on the nose and cried. I remembered the fight we’d had. This was my fault. If I had paid attention, the plane wouldn’t have crashed. And the last thing I’d told her was that I hated her. What if that was the last thing I ever got to say to her? I couldn’t bear the thought. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if she died. I laid down next to her and wrapped my arms around her. She gave no sign she even knew I was there. I closed my eyes and cried harder. What had I done?

_There’s no religion that could save me_   
_No matter how long my knees are on the floor_

Eventually, I got up. I stood up and looked around. Where was I? I had no clue. Where could I go for help? Did I just run until I found someone? Was there another option?

But now, it was getting dark. I knew it would be better for Elizabeth and I to stay put for the night and search in the morning. I made a small fire to try and keep us warm. I hadn’t eaten anything, but my worry had wrecked my appetite. I laid down and closed my eyes, knowing I would need rest. I would likely have to make quite the trek tomorrow. But I hardly slept. I was too scared.

I awoke at dawn, but Elizabeth was still unconscious. The fire had long burned out. I knew we had to get going to look for help. I picked her up and started walking. I prayed that someone had sent out a search party to look for us. Afterall, we had been expected at Balmoral last night, and we had never arrived. I didn’t expect them to find us. But I prayed nonetheless.

After about twenty minutes of walking, I started to see what looked like a town in the distance. Hope immediately rose up inside me. Perhaps we weren’t that far away from help. I looked down at Elizabeth. She was still alive. Barely. I prayed that someone in that town could help her. That she would be okay.

About a half an hour later, I arrived at the outskirts of the town. I ran to the first house I saw. I half-put Elizabeth down to knock on the door, praying someone would answer. I picked her back up and a moment later, the door opened.

“Hello?” An old Scottish woman answered. “Who are you?”

“Ma’am, I need your help.” I begged. “My wife and I were in a plane crash yesterday. She’s unconscious. Please help us. Help her.”

“Come in.” She lead me inside. “Lay her down on the couch.”

“Thank you.” I told her. The woman’s well-lit sitting room allowed me to have a good look at Elizabeth for the first time since the crash. She was dirty, and clearly injured. Her dress was muddy and bloodstained. I leaned down and kissed her on the cheek. “I love you.” I whispered. “Do you have a phone?”

“Yes. In the kitchen.”

“Thank you.” I picked up the phone and dialed Michael Adeane. I didn’t know who else to call.

“Hello?” He answered.

“It’s Philip.”

“Sir, where are you? We were expecting you and Her Majesty last night.” He sounded annoyed.

“I know. But we got in a plane crash. I’m okay, just a few cuts and bruises, but Elizabeth’s injuries are more serious. She’s alive, but unconscious.”

“Where are you?”

“Somewhere in Scotland. I’m not sure exactly.” I turned to the old woman. “Where are we?” I asked her.

“Killin.” She answered. Ironic. I may have killed my wife outside of Killin.

“Killin.” I told Michael. “Right at the outskirts. It was literally the first house I came to. An old lady lives here.”

“I’ll send out people to find you.”

“Thank you.” I hung up the phone. I sat down at the kitchen table. The old lady sat down next to me.

“Would you like some breakfast?” She offered. I suddenly realized how hungry I was. I hadn’t eaten anything in almost a day.

“Yes. That would be wonderful.”

She got up and returned a moment later with two plates of bacon and eggs.

“Thank you.” I told her as she sat back down.

“So your wife’s name is Elizabeth.”

“Yes.”

“What’s she like?”

“She’s amazing. She’s beautiful, strong, smart. She tends to be quiet, but she can be really funny too. She’s just the most incredible woman I know. I love her so much, even though we haven’t been getting along lately.” I sighed. “Hell, we were arguing when the plane crashed. But I love her regardless. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost her.”

“I guess all we can do is pray for her.”

I nodded. I had never been religious, but I was praying now. If there was a God, He would let her live right? Maybe He was punishing me for how I’d treated her lately. I silently begged God to let her live. I made a vow that I would treat her better if He let her live. Because not even God would be able to save me if she died.

_So keep in mind all the sacrifices I’m makin’_   
_To keep you by my side_   
_To keep you from walkin’ out the door_

“So, what’s your name?” The old woman asked.

“Philip.” I replied. “And you are?”

“Esther.” She told me. “So, were you and your wife the only survivors of the crash?”

“We were the only people on the plane.” I explained. “I was flying us up here.”

“Are you a pilot?” She asked. I nodded. It wasn’t my actual job, but I was a licensed pilot. I didn’t think she needed to know any more than that. “Where were you going?”

“To visit some family.” I lied. I didn’t want her to figure out who we were. Balmoral would have been a dead giveaway.

“Where do they live?” I was starting to get annoyed with all her questions, but I didn’t want to be rude.

“Crathie.” I told her. That was the closest village to Balmoral.

“So, why did you two fly?” She questioned. “Why not drive or take the train?”

“We thought about it, but I decided flying would be quicker. And more romantic.” I gave a small laugh. “How romantic this turned out. We should’ve just taken the bloody train.”

“Don’t blame yourself for this, boy.” Esther told me. “This was an act of God. This was meant to happen. If you had taken the train, it would’ve crashed too. God controls our fate, not us.”

“I’ve never been one for religion.”

“An atheist?”

“No. I believe in God, I just,” I sighed. “I don’t know.”

“My point is that this was going to happen no matter what.” She insisted. “And if your wife is meant to live she will. And if it’s her time, she won’t. And she would’ve died no matter if she had been in a plane, on a train, or sitting on the couch. This was God.”

“Why would God want to take my wife away from me?”

“God works in mysterious ways.” She replied. “Perhaps, He did this to make you realize just how much you need her. And if that’s the case, she’ll live.”

“I sure hope so.” We ate in silence for a minute. Maybe Esther was right. Maybe this was an act of God. Maybe it had nothing to do with me. Still, I couldn’t push aside my guilt. I didn’t want to think about it anymore. I decided to ask Esther about her life. “So, do you have a husband?”

“I did. But he passed away almost ten years ago.” A look of wistfulness came over her as she talked about him. “Paul. A sweet man. But he died in his sleep. It was his time.”

“I’m so sorry. Do you have any children?”

“I had a daughter, but she died of influenza when she was five.” She told me. “Do you have any children?”

“Two.”

“Cherish them. And cherish your wife. You never know when their time will come.”

I nodded. I sighed and pushed my plate away. I wasn’t hungry anymore.

“Excuse me.” I got up and left the room. I went over to the couch Elizabeth was laying on and knelt down beside her. I was still pretty convinced this was my fault, but Esther’s words stuck with me regardless. She was right about one thing. This crash had made me realize just how much I needed Elizabeth. I loved her and I needed to start acting like it. I kissed her on the forehead. She didn’t respond. “Lilibet, please don’t die.” I whispered to her. “Please stay with me. I love you and I don’t know what I would do without you. I promise I’ll change. I promise to love you and cherish you forever. From now on, I’m going to hold you instead of push you away. I will be the loving, supportive husband you need. Just please, please stay with me. I love you.”

‘ _Cause there’ll be no sunlight_  
 _If I lose you baby_  
 _And there’ll be no clear skies_  
 _If I lose you baby_

A few hours later, there was a knock at the door. Esther answered it. It was Michael Adeane, along with a doctor.

“Oh, are you here for Philip and Elizabeth?” She asked him.

“Yes, ma’am.” Michael nodded. “Are they inside?”

“Yes. Come in.” Michael walked in the door. I was sitting on the floor next to Elizabeth. He saw me right away and greeted me with a nod.

“Is Her Majesty awake?” He asked. I saw Esther’s eyes widen. She looked at Elizabeth, then at me, suddenly realizing who we were.

“Does it look like she’s awake?” I replied. Michael sighed.

The doctor walked over to Elizabeth and I stood up to get out of his way. I hovered anxiously next to him as he looked her over.

“Her injuries are serious.” The doctor told me. “I can’t be certain, but she’s likely in a coma. It’s hard to say when she’ll wake up.”

“But she will wake up, right?” I asked. “She’ll live?”

“I can’t say for certain, but if she was going to die, she probably already would’ve.” I was half-relieved at his assessment, but I was still worried. And guilt still gnawed away at me. “But we should get her home. Preferably back to Buckingham Palace.”

“We can board the next train.” Michael told him. He turned to Esther. “Thank you for taking them in, ma’am, but we must be going now.” She nodded.

“I’ll be praying for you.”

The doctor picked up Elizabeth and headed out the door with Michael. I paused to say goodbye to Esther.

“Thank you, for everything. I will always be grateful to you.” I told her.

“No problem. You just remember what I told you.” She replied.

“I will.” I followed Michael and the doctor out the door.

The train ride to London seemed to take years. But eventually, we returned to the palace. The doctor laid Elizabeth on her bed and looked her over again.

“I’m almost certain she’s in a coma.” He told me. “But she should live.”

“I sure hope she does.”

He gave her an IV, to keep nutrients in her body. To keep her alive while she was in her coma. They had made a makeshift hospital room for her.

Then, the doctor left me alone with Elizabeth. I looked at her motionless body. I kissed her cheek and started to cry. I looked out the window. It was cloudy, and the sun showed no signs of coming back out any time soon. If Elizabeth didn’t wake up, it never would.

_And just like the clouds_   
_My eyes will do the same, if you walk away_   
_Everyday it’ll rain, rain, rain_

Eventually, I feel asleep next to Elizabeth. When I woke up the next morning, it was raining. It was pouring hard, and showed no signs of stopping. A few minutes after I woke up, my new private secretary came in.

“Your Royal Highness, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother and Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret are on their way over from Clarence House.” He informed me.

“To see Elizabeth?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Oh, God.” I muttered. “I better clean myself up before they get here.”

I got up and went over to Elizabeth’s mirror. I straightened my shirt and my hair. I didn’t feel like actually changing. I dreaded Margaret and the Queen Mother coming over. They would doubtless blame me for what happened. As if I hadn’t created enough guilt on my own.

“Hi,” I greeted them with a curt nod as they walked in the room.

“How are you holding up?” Margaret asked me, giving me a hug. She was a lot more sympathetic than I expected her to be.

“I’ll be fine.” I sighed. “It’s Elizabeth you should worry about.”

“Will she be alright?” She asked, her face darkening with worry.

“The doctor says she should be.” I told her. “But she’s in a coma right now.”

They walked over to the bedside and looked at Elizabeth. Margaret was visibly upset, but was trying to stay strong. Her mother broke down. For a few moments, she just cried. Then, she looked up at me with a glare that could kill.

“This is your fault.” She sobbed.

“Mummy,” Margaret tried to calm her, but she was ignored.

“You were flying that plane. You crashed it. Look what you’ve done!”

“You think I meant for this to happen?” I spat back. “You think I wanted to crash the plane? You think I wanted to hurt her? Of course not. I love Elizabeth more than anything. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost her.”

She just shook her head at me.

“I should never have let her marry you.” She muttered.

“Get out!” I yelled.

“Excuse me?”

“Mummy, I think we should be going.” Margaret said.

“I said, get out!”

“Come on, Mummy.” Margaret lead her mother out of the room. “This isn’t helping anything.”

As they walked out the door, I sank to the bed and cried. I cried as hard as the rain.

_I’ll never be your mother’s favorite_   
_Your daddy can’t even look me in the eye_

I didn’t understand how my mother-in-law could be so cold to me, but I wasn’t necessarily surprised. She had never liked me. She had always seen me as some kind of lesser thing. Some poor, fake prince not good enough for her daughter. Everyone in this family looked down on me.

Even her father didn’t like me, although at least he made an attempt to treat me like a person. But her mother was a cold-hearted bitch. And when the king died, she got colder. I knew she had hated me from the start. And she really hated me now.

But, really, who could blame her? I hated myself now. I had hurt Elizabeth enough before all this. Now, she was in a coma. And she could die. And even if I hadn’t done it on purpose, my guilt wouldn’t leave. My guilt latched on to her mother’s words. I had been flying the plane. It was all my fault.

_Oh, if I was in their shoes, I’d be doing the same thing_   
_Sayin’ “There goes my little girl_   
_Walkin’ with that troublesome guy”_

Looking back on it, I realized I couldn’t blame her parents for not liking me. I wasn’t exactly the kindest person out there. And I was not at all what they were looking for in a potential husband for Elizabeth.

They wanted her to marry Porchey. He was nice and he came from the right kind of family. Maybe she should’ve married him. He doubtless would have treated her better than I had. She deserved to have someone like him. But instead, she chose me. I would never understand why, but I would always be grateful. She loved me, but all I ever did was hurt her, even though I loved her too. I couldn’t count the times that I had promised her I would change. I never did. And I probably never would.

_But they’re just afraid of something they can’t understand_   
_Oh, but little darlin’ watch me change their minds_

No. I would change. I had to. I would become the loving supportive husband she deserved. And I would earn her family’s respect. Not with a title, but with character.

“Dear God,” I prayed aloud. “If you let Elizabeth live, I promise to change. No more going out and partying. No more getting drunk. No more treating Elizabeth like shit. I really will change this time. I will be the loving, supportive husband she deserves, instead of the selfish, stupid asshole I have been. I promise. Just please let her live. Amen.”

_Yeah for you I’ll try, I’ll try, I’ll try, I’ll try_   
_I’ll pick up these broken pieces til I’m bleeding_   
_If that’ll make you mine_

I looked at Elizabeth sadly. I just wanted her to wake up. I couldn’t live with the guilt if she died. It didn’t matter what Esther said about it being Elizabeth’s time. I would always feel guilty even if it wasn’t my fault.

I laid down beside her and wrapped my arms around her motionless body. I wished she would move. But her only movement was the slight rise and fall of her chest as she breathed. I kissed her cheek and closed my eyes, resting my face against hers.

“Elizabeth,” I whispered to her. “I promise to treat you better from now on. I promise I will be there to love and support you. I will fix this mess I’ve created. Just please, please stay with me. I love you.”

‘ _Cause there’ll be no sunlight_  
 _If I lose you baby_  
 _There’ll be no clear skies_  
 _If I lose you baby_

Eventually, I drifted off to sleep. But I was startled awake by the phone ringing. Before I answered, I looked at Elizabeth hopefully, but she have no sign she had heard it.

“Hello?” I said, picking up the phone.

“Hello, Philip. It’s me. Porchey.” I rolled my eyes.

“What do you want?” I snapped. Even though it was irrational, I hated him. As much as I hated to admit it, he made me jealous. It was stupid. I knew he and Elizabeth weren’t doing anything wrong. But I couldn’t help it.

“I would like to come visit Elizabeth.” He replied. “If that’s alright with you.”

“That’s fine.” I sighed. I didn’t want to let him, but I had no real reason to say no. Besides, I had a feeling that if Elizabeth woke up and found out I hadn’t let Porchey visit her, she would be pissed.

“Thank you. Is tomorrow morning fine?”

“Anytime is fine.” I replied sarcastically. “It’s not like she’s busy.”

“Right.” He said quietly. “Well, I’ll be over in the morning, then. Bye.”

He hung up the phone. I felt bad for being rude to him, but I couldn’t help it. I sighed. I definitely needed to start being nicer to him. I needed to stop being jealous. He was Elizabeth’s best friend. I knew that she was hurt by my accusations that she was cheating on me. Just one more thing on a long list that I needed to change.

I looked at the clock. It was almost two in the afternoon. I hadn’t eaten anything all day. I wasn’t hungry. I was too sick with worry and guilt.

I laid back down next to Elizabeth. I kissed her on the cheek. She didn’t react. I wrapped my arms around her and cried.

“Lilibet,” I whispered. “Your friend Porchey is coming to see you tomorrow. I didn’t really want him to come, but I know you would want him here. So I said he could come visit you. Because I really am trying to change. I promise I am. I love you.”

I closed my eyes and cried myself back to sleep.

_Just like the clouds_   
_My eyes will do the same, if you walk away_   
_Everyday it’ll rain, rain, rain_

“Sir,” my private secretary told me, “Lord Porchester is here to see Her Majesty.”

It was a little before ten in the morning. I had just come back from eating breakfast. I was sitting on Elizabeth’s bed waiting for Porchey to arrive.

He walked in and gave me a somber nod. I stood up to greet him.

“Hello,” I said quietly.

“Hello,” He replied. He walked slowly toward the bed. “Dear God,” he whispered when he saw Elizabeth. He turned to me. “So, she really is in a coma.”

“Yeah.” I nodded sadly.

“She’ll wake up, won’t she?”

“I sure hope so.” I answered. “The doctor thinks she will.”

He looked like he was about to cry. He knelt down by her, like he wasn’t quite sure what to do. He took her hand and squeezed it.

“Hi, Lilibet.” He told her softly. “It’s me. Porchey. I came to see you. I had to, even though your husband probably doesn’t like it. But you’re my best friend. And my business partner. You’ve been there for me since we were kids. I don’t know what I’d do without you. But you’re a strong woman, you always have been, and I have faith that you’ll make it through this.”

Porchey looked down and sighed.

“I’m sorry.” I told him. I had to apologize.

“For what?”

“For how I’ve treated you. For being suspicious of you and Elizabeth. I know you’re just friends. And I know it hurts her for me to act like this. So I just wanted you to know, that I’m sorry, and I promise to change in the future.”

“Apology accepted.” He smiled. “Who knows, maybe someday we’ll even be friends.”

“Who knows, I might even just like that.” I replied. “By the way, I’m sorry about all this too.”

“For Elizabeth being in a coma?”

“It’s my fault. I was flying the plane.”

“Philip, you are one of the biggest assholes I’ve ever met, but it’s not your fault. This could have happened even if you weren’t flying the plane.”

I was sick of people telling me it wasn’t my fault. I was too convinced it was to change my mind. And I was irritated that he called me an asshole. So I blew up and revealed something I so far had only told Esther.

“It is my fault!” I screamed. He looked taken aback by my sudden change in tone. “Elizabeth and I were fighting when the planet crashed. I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going. I was too focused on screaming at Elizabeth and I hit a mountain. If I had been paying attention this wouldn’t have happened.”

“That’s not entirely surprising.” Porchey remarked.

“I’m sorry.” I sank down on the bed. “I don’t deserve her. She should’ve married you.”

“No, she shouldn’t have.” He argued, somewhat to my surprise.

“Why not?”

“She loves you. If she loved me, she would’ve married me. But she doesn’t and she didn’t. She would never have been happy with me. She loves you. You know that right?”

“I think so.”

“You damn well better know it.” He told me. “And you damn well better love her back.”

“Believe me, I do.”

“Good.” He looked at the clock. “I better get going to the stables. By the way,” he turned to Elizabeth. “The horses miss you. Bye, Lilibet.”

He stood up to leave.

“Bye.” I told him.

“Bye.” He responded. He started to leave, then turned around. “And just so you know, I forgive you. For everything.”

Porchey left. I closed my eyes. I cried and listened to the rain. The rain just wouldn’t stop. And neither would my tears.

_Oh, don’t you say goodbye  
Don’t you say goodbye_

I laid down and eventually I cried myself to sleep. I had a nightmare. I dreamt I was reliving my sister’s death. I had blamed myself for that too. She died in a plane crash like mine. In my dream, I was there on the plane with her. I saw her go into labor. I felt the crash. I saw all their bodies lying in the burning wreckage.

I woke up shaking. I looked at Elizabeth, momentarily panicking that she was dead too. But, thankfully she was still breathing. Just not conscious.

I silently begged Elizabeth not to die. I begged her not to leave me to drown in guilt, like my sister had.

_I’ll pick up these broken pieces til I’m bleeding_   
_If that’ll make it right_

I couldn’t take it anymore. The guilt and worry were too much to handle. I couldn’t handle not knowing if she would wake up. I couldn’t handle the fear that perhaps she wouldn’t. I got up and started pacing, but it was only making more anxious. Eventually, I stood over the bed and started sobbing.

“Elizabeth!” I screamed at her motionless body. “You have to wake up! You have to. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything. I know I’ve treated you like shit these past few years, but I’m sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. I swear to God I didn’t do this on purpose. I love you so fucking much. I don’t know what I’d do if you died. I couldn’t live with the guilt. Just please wake up! I will make everything right! I will be the loving supportive husband I should have always been. I promise! Just please wake up. I love you.” I collapsed on the bed and hugged Elizabeth desperately. My tears rolled down onto her beautiful, lifeless face. “I’m sorry.” I whispered to her again. “I love you.”

‘ _Cause there’ll be no sunlight_  
 _If I lose you baby_  
 _There’ll be no clear skies_  
 _If I lose you baby_

I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up, it was five in the morning. The clouds still hadn’t cleared. I was beginning to fear they never would.

Elizabeth was still lying there, as still as ever. She still hadn’t woken up. I was beginning to fear she never would.

I went to breakfast. I picked at my plate. I felt so sad. And alone. And guilty. I really wasn’t sure I could go on if Elizabeth died. I left my meal half eaten and went back to Elizabeth’s room. I laid back down next to her and fell asleep again.

I was jolted awake by movement, but I closed my eyes again. I was dreaming. Elizabeth hadn’t woken up again. She would probably die soon. But a few minutes later, I was awoken by a slightly scratchy voice. Elizabeth’s.

“Philip?”

“Elizabeth?” I sat up. And there she was. Awake. Eyes open, staring up at me. “Oh my God, Elizabeth, you’re alive!”

“What happened?” She asked, looking confused.

“There was a plane crash.” I told her. “We were fighting and suddenly we hit a mountain.”

Her eyes widened, like memories were suddenly flooding back.

“We were on our way to Balmoral.” She whispered. She looked around. “We never got there.”

“No.” I kissed her on the forehead. “I’m sorry. It’s all my fault.”

“How is it your fault?”

“How is it not? We were fighting and I crashed the plane.”

“Don’t blame yourself for that.” She told me. “I was the one who started it.”

“You really don’t blame me?”

“Of course not.” For a moment we were both silent. “How long was I out?” She asked suddenly.

“A few days.” I answered. “You know, maybe this crash was a good thing.”

“Why?”

“Because it made me realize how much I need you.”

I laid back down beside her and she leaned her head against my chest. I smiled. I had begun to fear she would never lean against me like this again. I looked out the window and noticed something else I never thought I’d see again. Sunlight.

_And just like the clouds_   
_My eyes will do the same, if you walk away_   
_Everyday it’ll rain, rain, rain_

I just wanted to hold Elizabeth forever. But I knew I had to call Margaret and her mother. They would want to see Elizabeth. And even though I didn’t want to see my mother-in-law again, I knew I had to. I picked up the phone to call Margaret.

“Hello?” She answered.

“Hey, it’s Philip.” I replied. “I have some good news. Elizabeth woke up this morning. And I thought that you and your mother would like to come see her.”

“Of course we would!” She sounded excited. “Mummy, Lilibet is awake!” She yelled. “We’ll be over soon.”

“Alright.”

“I’m afraid this means I’ll have to get dressed earlier than I had wanted to.” She sighed. “Oh, well. It’ll be worth it. Bye, Philip.”

I hung up the phone. I dreaded having to see the Queen Mother again, but it wouldn’t be right not to invite her over.

“What’s wrong?” Elizabeth asked, sensing my worry.

“I just invited your mother and sister over to see you.”

“And why is that so bad?”

“They came to see you while you were in a coma.” I explained. “Long story short, we got in a fight. Basically, she blamed me for the whole thing.”

“Well, hopefully she’ll be over it and just happy to see me.” Elizabeth remarked. “She’ll probably just blame me.”

“I hope not.”

“Can you help me sit up?” She asked.

“Of course.”

I took her hands and helped her sit up, careful not to rip out the IV. That reminded me, I had to call the doctor. He would need to come see her. I would do that after Margaret and her mother left.

They arrived about an hour later. Margaret walked in looking excited. Her mother looked happy, but subdued.

“Lilibet, you’re awake!” Margaret exclaimed. She ran to hug her. Elizabeth looked startled.

“Hey, be careful with her.” I scolded jokingly.

“Why? It’s not like you are.” Her mother remarked.

“Mummy, don’t.” Elizabeth said. “Philip didn’t do this on purpose. He would never intentionally do anything to hurt me. He loves me.”

“Well, he certainly doesn’t act like it.”

“Maybe I haven’t always acted like it in the past.” I replied. “Maybe I have accidentally hurt your daughter before. And I’m sorry. But I am trying to change. I do love her.”

Her mother just nodded. She and Margaret talked to Elizabeth for a few minutes, then left.

“I’m gonna call the doctor now.” I told Elizabeth when they were gone.

“Alright.”

I picked up the phone and called the doctor.

“Hello?” He answered.

“It’s Philip. Elizabeth is awake.”

“How is she doing?” He asked. “Have you noticed anything out of the ordinary?”

“She seems a little tired. A little quiet. But she seems mostly normal.”

“Her memory is fine?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. I’ll be over in about an hour.”

The doctor came and took the IV out, since she could eat on her own now. Her physical wounds were healing normally. He told me to make sure she got lots of rest and didn’t push herself too much. He said she seemed fine, but to call him if anything unusual happened.

“I’m hungry.” Elizabeth said when he left.

“I’ll get you food.”

“I can get it.” She started to get up, but I stopped her.

“No. I’ll bring you food. The doctor said you need to rest.”

I left and came back a few minutes later with some food. I helped her sit up so she could eat.

“Philip, did anyone besides Margaret and Mummy come visit me while I was in my coma?” Elizabeth asked as she ate.

“Yes.” I answered.

“Who?”

“Porchey.” She smiled.

“Does he know I’m awake?”

“No.” I admitted. I didn’t really want to call him.

“Would you call him and tell him I’m awake?” She requested.

“Fine.” I sighed. I didn’t want to, but I knew I had to. He deserved to know. Besides, I needed to start being nicer to him. He was Elizabeth’s best friend.

I picked up the phone and called him.

“Hello?” Porchey answered.

“Hello. It’s Philip. I thought you would like to know that Elizabeth woke up.”

“That’s wonderful.” He replied. “Can I come see her?”

“Yes.” I sighed.

“Thank you. I’ll be over as soon as I can.”

Porchey arrived about an hour later. He smiled when he saw Elizabeth.

“Lilibet, I’m so glad you’re awake.” He hugged her. “I missed you. And so did the horses.” Elizabeth laughed. He sat down next to her.

“Speaking of which, any big developments with them?” She asked.

“Not really.” He replied. “But they’ll be happy to see you again.”

“And I’ll be happy to see them.” She paused. “Thank you for coming to visit me while I was in my coma.”

“Of course. You’re my best friend.” He replied. “I was worried that would be the last time I ever saw you. I’m glad it wasn’t.”

“I must admit, I’m a little surprised Philip let you visit me.” She remarked.

“So was I.” Porchey said.

“I didn’t really want to let you.” I chimed in. “But I did. Because I’m trying to change. I know you two aren’t having an affair. I know you’re just friends. And from now on, I’m going to treat you better, Porchey.”

“Thank you.” Elizabeth said.

“You know, Philip and I got to talking the other day, and we decided that one day, we might even be friends.”

“I would like that.” She smiled.

We talked for a few more minutes, before Porchey left. When he was gone, Elizabeth laid back down on the bed, and I laid next to her.

“Lilibet, I spent a lot of time blaming myself for all of this.” I started. “But I shouldn’t have. Esther was right.”

“Who’s Esther.”

“An old Scottish woman who took us in after the crash.” I explained. “She told me it wasn’t my fault. She told me it was meant to happen. That this was all God’s plan to make me realize how much I need you. And how much I love you. And she was right. I will never take you for granted again. Because I know now that I couldn’t make it without you. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

For a long time, I just laid there, holding Elizabeth in my arms. I was so happy to have her back. She was back and the sun was shining again. I knew that wasn’t a coincidence.

“Elizabeth,” I said. “I promise that I will be a better husband from now on.”

“I’ll hold you to that.” She replied with a smile. I kissed her on the lips. She rested her head on my chest and moved closer to me. I felt the burden of guilt lift. And for the first time in a long time, everything was right with the world.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any suggestions for songs you want me to do or characters/situations you’d like to see, please leave them in the comments!
> 
> Also, just so you know, Truth or Dare is on an indefinite hiatus. I’ll probably come back to it eventually, but I just don’t have to write two fanfics at once right now.


	7. Days in the East/Stay Pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a mashup of two songs. It’s based off Days in the East by Drake (a cleanish version) and Stay by Rihanna. I hope you like it! :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was gonna do another request next but then I got the inspiration for this and I had to write it now. :)

**Philip’s POV:**  
_Why you keep askin’ me about her?_  
_She’s not here right now, she’s not here right now_

I called Galina. It was well after midnight. But I had to see her again. I hoped she would want to see me again.

“Hello?” She answered the phone. “Who is this?”

“It’s Philip.”

“Philip?” She sounded surprised. “I never expected to hear from you again. You promised you would call again after you returned from your tour, but it’s been almost a year.”

“I know.” I told her. “Elizabeth and I tried to work things out when I got back. But I have to see you again.”

“Why now? What happened with Elizabeth?” She inquired.

“Things aren’t working out. Why don’t you just come over?”

“What about Elizabeth?”

“She’s out of town right now.”

“But won’t she be mad if she finds out?”

“What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Do you want to come over or not?”

“Yes, but,”

“But nothing. I’ll see you in a bit.”

“Alright.” She agreed. I hung up.

_Why am I the one you wanna get into it for the drama_  
_I got a lot to say, and that’s the last thing a man wanna hear right now_

Galina arrived at about one thirty. Her white dress was revealing, but somehow still innocent. The moonlight through my curtains hit her in a way that took my breath away. She was every bit as beautiful as I remembered.

“Galina,” I whispered. “You’re even more beautiful than I remembered.”

“Now don’t you wish you’d kept in touch?”

“I do.” I kissed her passionately and took her dress off. She wasn’t wearing anything under it. She undressed me and I pushed her onto the bed.

We made love. Except there was no love in our kiss. Or our touch. It was pure lust.

When we finished, I rolled off her, and for a minute, we just laid there breathlessly.

“Philip,” She said suddenly. “I don’t love you. In fact, I don’t feel anything for you. Why am I here?”

“I can’t answer that. But I can say that I invited you here because you’re beautiful and you’re good at sex.”

“Isn’t Elizabeth?” Her question took me by surprise.

“Yes, but,” I sighed. “I don’t know. It’s complicated.”

“So am I just something to fall back on when things get hard?”

“Maybe.” I shrugged.

“You know, when you stopped seeing me, at first, I thought I’d find someone else. A new man to fuck. Maybe even actually fall in love with. But I never did.” She sighed. “I don’t love you, but I still resent your wife. I feel like she took you away from me. It’s stupid, I know. But I’ve been lonely without you. That’s why I’m here. For some reason, I need you.”

“I don’t know what I need.” I didn’t really want to think about everything. “It’s just all so complicated. I don’t want to talk about it. Perhaps, for some reason, I need you too.”

“Perhaps.” Galina sat up. “I should go. Goodbye.” She got out of bed and put her dress back on.

“Goodbye.” I replied as she left. When she shut the door, I closed my eyes. I tried to go to sleep, but I couldn’t. All I could do was think about my loneliness and confusion.

_Spendin’ all my days on the Eastside oh_  
_Forgettin’ who I was on the other side oh_

Elizabeth returned the next afternoon, but we hardly spoke. She went straight to her office to work. I decided to go out. I went alone. Elizabeth may have thought that when Mike went back to Australia, that would be the end of my partying ways. But she was wrong. My nights in Soho continued. I just went alone now.

I walked into a pub. It was still pretty early in the evening. There weren’t a lot of people there yet. Just a few older men. I sat down at the bar and ordered a beer. I sat there alone for about an hour before people started to arrive.

I saw a pretty red-headed woman approaching the bar. I waved her over.

“Hey, pretty girl,” I greeted her flirtatiously. “What’s your name?”

“Sarah.” She replied smiling. “And you are?”

“Phil. Would you like a drink?”

“Of course.” She sat down next to me. I bought her a drink. We talked and drank for a while, before she got up. “Care to dance?”

“Sure.” I followed her to the dance floor. But we didn’t dance for long. Before I knew it, we were making out.

“Why don’t we take this somewhere a little more private?” She suggested. We headed into the bathroom, and I fucked her on the floor. On the dirty, floor of the pub bathroom. Luckily, no one walked in.

I left afterwards, but I had no intention of going home. Instead, I went to another pub. I sat down at the bar and drank until I forgot who I was.

_Young man switchin’ up the program right now_  
_Tryna put the power in my own hands right now_

I went home and went to bed. I woke up with a massive hangover. My head hurt so bad I didn’t want to get up, so I just laid in bed thinking.

I didn’t know what I was doing anymore. What was wrong with me? Just when it seemed Elizabeth and I might really be okay, I was fucking everything up again.

When we first decided to work things out, it was great. It was working. But one evening, a few weeks ago, we got in a huge fight. She had been out with Porchey all day. It was something she used to do when things weren’t going so great between us. She had explained to me that it was for business. They had a big race coming up. But as I sat at home alone all day, I got jealous. And angry. And even though I kept telling myself she wasn’t doing anything wrong, I felt myself falling back to my old ways.

When she got home, I started yelling at her. We got in a huge fight. We screamed nasty things at each other that we didn’t mean. When I called her a whore, she slapped me, and I pushed her to the floor. She got up and threw a vase at me that was filled with roses I had given her the day before. I picked up a heavy book off her nightstand and hit her over the head with it. She fell to the floor. I kneeled over her. My anger had completely taken over me. I choked her with one hand and lifted the other in a fist. But I looked down at her face. She was sobbing and her blue eyes were filled with fear. I put my hand down and let go of her. I walked away, leaving her crying on the floor. We had hardly spoken since.

As I laid there thinking back on the last few weeks, I seriously questioned myself. Why had I reverted back to my old ways just when everything was finally working out? Perhaps my anger never really left and resentment had been building up inside me. After all, working things out would mean admitting that Elizabeth had the power, not me. And I just couldn’t do it.

_I’m about to ride through the old hood right now_  
_Got too much pride for my own good right now_

I laid in bed until about one in the afternoon. I didn’t want to move, but I had to get out of bed. I felt too trapped in my own thoughts. In my own guilt.

I got in my car and drove around. I found myself driving to Soho, even though I had no intention of getting out of the car. As I drove past the pubs I went to last night, I felt my guilt intensifying. I just couldn’t get away from it.

I left Soho and ended up at Mike’s old house. I was pretty sure his wife and kids still lived there, but Mike had moved back to Australia a few years ago. I still missed him. He was like my one true friend in this whole thing. Even though he got me into trouble, he always had my back. Without him, I just got into trouble alone.

I drove away, going nowhere in particular. I was just stuck in my own thoughts. I felt so lonely. I knew who I needed. Elizabeth. I wished I could just swallow my pride and apologize to her. Talk this out. I loved her and I needed her desperately. I didn’t want to lose her. But I was going to if I didn’t do something. Part of me feared she was already gone.

I wondered what was going on in her head. She had become so distant lately. I felt like she wasn’t her anymore. But then I remembered, she wasn’t. She had been balancing Elizabeth Mountbatten and Elizabeth Regina better when we were getting along. But I had basically abandoned her. And it seemed like she was just letting Elizabeth Regina take over. Perhaps she was doing it to shut out the pain of what had happened between us. If she wasn’t my wife, she wouldn’t have to deal with the problems of our marriage. The thought made me feel guiltier.

I knew I had to make things right. I needed to swallow my pride aside and apologize. But I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t. And it was destroying my life.

_Waitin’ you to give in and hit me up_  
_So I could fall through like old times and hit it up_

I went home. Elizabeth was in her room alone, reading a book. I thought about going in there. I should have. But I didn’t. Instead, I went to my own room and sat down on my bed.

I felt so lonely, but instead of going to Elizabeth, I stared at the phone. I wanted Galina to call me. Because going to Elizabeth would mean I would have to confront our problems. If I was with Galina, I could continue to ignore them.

I picked up the phone and almost called her myself, but I didn’t. I guess I was too scared. So I stared at the phone and hoped she would call me herself.

I wanted to see her again. I had to see her again. I had to make love to her again. I just had to. But the phone didn’t ring. And I didn’t pick it up.

_I’m terrible at inviting myself, call me over_  
_Those nights when you need someone else, call me over_

The next night, however, the phone did ring. And it was Galina.

“Philip,” she started, “I need to see you.”

“I’ve been needing to see you.” I replied.

“Then why didn’t you call?”

“I didn’t want to invite myself over.”

“Why not?”

“I guess I was just waiting for you to call.” I told her. “Why didn’t you call sooner?”

“I wasn’t sure if you would want to see me.”

“Well, next time you want to see me, just call. If there’s ever a night you need me, I’ll always be there for you.”

“Well how about tonight?”

“Of course.” I replied. “I’ll be over as soon as possible.”

_You can be the one to take control, call me over_  
_When I get there, you already know, call me_

“So, what are we doing tonight?” She asked when I arrived at her flat. I sat down in a comfy chair in the sitting room where she was waiting for me.

“Whatever you want.” I replied with a smile. “Take control.”

“I think you already know what I want.” She got up and walked to my chair. She climbed in my lap and kissed me.

For a few minutes, we made out passionately and felt each other up through our clothes. When I reached up her skirt and rubbed her through her panties, she moaned and began massaging my crotch. We carried on like this until we couldn’t take it anymore.

Eventually, we started undressing each other, still trying to make out. It seemed like every kiss got deeper and rougher. When we were both naked, I picked her up and carried her to the couch. I laid her down and fucked her. It was far more passionate than any sex I’d had with Elizabeth in the past few months. Hell, in the past few years.

When we finished, we just laid there, tangled up and breathless. Eventually, we fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning and realized I wasn’t at home. I saw Galina lying on next to me still asleep. At first I was confused. Then I remembered the night before.

I felt momentarily guilty, but I pushed it aside and went back to sleep. I had no intention of going home anytime soon.

“Philip,” Galina woke me with a kiss. “It’s time to get up.”

“What time is it?” I asked.

“It’s almost noon.” She replied. “Last night was wonderful.”

“Well we can always do it again.”

She smiled. We started making out again, and soon, she climbed on top of me. We had sex again.

We spent the rest of the afternoon lounging around. At about five o’clock, Galina suddenly told me she had somewhere to be. I took that as my cue to leave.

I went back to the palace. Elizabeth wasn’t there. Part of me was glad. I wasn’t even sure I could look her in the face anymore. I sat down on my bed and sighed. I had no idea where Elizabeth was, but hoped she was happier than she was here. She deserved so much better than me.

**Porchey’s POV:**  
_Why you keep askin’ me about her?_  
_Couple other things I’d rather do than talk about that right now_

I had invited Elizabeth over for the evening. To have dinner. And talk. She arrived and sat down on my couch.

“Lilibet, are you alright?” I asked. She seemed a little down.

“I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” She sighed.

“It’s just Philip. We were doing so well and now it seems like everything is falling apart again.” She explained.

“What happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” We sat in silence for a moment before She spoke again. “Where’s your wife?”

“I don’t know.” I confessed.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” She looked confused. I hadn’t told her that my marriage hadn’t been going that well lately. I figured she had enough problems of her own without having to worry about me.

“I mean I don’t know.”

“Is something going on?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

And for a couple of minutes, we just sat there in a sad silence.

_Told you about giving him chances on chances on chances_  
_He’s not holding you down, he’s holding you back right now_

We sat in silence until my kitchen timer went off. I got up to get dinner out of the oven. I had given my cook the night off to spend time with her family. I wanted to be alone with Elizabeth tonight.

Elizabeth and I sat at the table and ate in silence, until, suddenly, she spoke.

“I think Philip’s cheating on me again.” She told me. “He’s gone all the time. And we’ve hardly spoken in weeks.”

“Did something happen?” I asked. She sighed.

“A few weeks ago, we got into a fight. A big one. It turned physical. I don’t even remember what it was about anymore. I just remember feeling confused and scared. We had been doing so well, and I had no idea what happened.” She started crying. “One second we were fine and the next I literally thought he might kill me. We’ve hardly spoken to each other since.”

“Lilibet, I,” I wasn’t sure what to say. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“I just don’t understand. I thought we were doing better.” She cried. “And then he just went and screwed everything up again. I don’t know if we can fix this again.”

“There’s no point in fixing your marriage if he’s only going to break your heart again.” I told her. I didn’t want to be rude, but I had to say it. “Are you really willing to give him another chance? Is it even worth it?”

“Of course. I’m always going to give him another chance.”

“And he’s always going to throw it away.”

“Fuck you.” She got up and started to leave. I grabbed her arm and stopped her.

“No. Lilibet, listen to me. I know you love him, but at some point, you need to accept that he doesn’t love you. If he did, he wouldn’t treat you like this.”

“You just don’t get it.”

“Over the past several years, I have watched my best friend die on the inside. I know that part of that was about becoming queen, but I think most of it is him. You’d be a lot better off if you left him.”

“No. Philip is my rock. I couldn’t do this without him. He’s my support.”

“He doesn’t support you. All he’s ever done is abandon you.”

“He keeps me grounded. In the real world.”

“He keeps you in a rut. Stuck in your own sad head and broken heart. And you let him.”

“You’re just jealous, because I love him not you.” She snapped. She opened the door to leave.

“Lilibet,” She turned around again to face me. “I’m just concerned. I know what’s going on. I know what a loveless marriage is like. And I also know what it’s like to love someone who doesn’t love you. I just don’t want you to keep getting hurt.”

She didn’t respond. She just slammed the door and left. I sat back down in the kitchen chair. I had lost my appetite. This night hadn’t gone the way I’d planned. I went to my room and crawled into bed. Alone. Upset. And jealous.

_Spendin’ all my days on the Eastside, oh_  
_Forgettin’ who I was on the other side, oh_

The next morning, my wife still wasn’t home when I woke up. I waited for her to come home all morning, but she never did. That afternoon, I decided to go out. I thought about calling Elizabeth and asking her if she wanted to come with, but I figured she was still be mad at me. So I went alone.

I drove to the nearest pub and got drunk. I was so miserable. My wife had run out on me a few nights ago. She said she hated me and that she didn’t think I loved her. And I had probably ruined any chance I ever had with Elizabeth.

So I sat at the bar and drank. I drank my feelings away. I drank until I forgot who I was or why I was there.

_Young man switchin’ up the program right now_  
_Tryna put the power in my own hands right now_

I stumbled home well past midnight. I collapsed on my bed and went to sleep. I woke up the next morning with a nasty hangover. I didn’t want to get out of bed. My eyes wandered to the phone. Should I call Elizabeth? No. She wouldn’t want to talk to me.

I spent most of the day in bed, only getting out to eat. My wife still hadn’t returned. She probably never would.

For some reason, around nine that night, I had a sudden burst of confidence. I wasn’t going to sit moping anymore. I was going to call Elizabeth.

“Hello?”

“Lilibet,” My confidence faded away. I was nervous.

“Porchey,”

“About the other day,” I started. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.” She replied.

“Would you like to come over tonight?” I offered. I hoped she would accept.

“Not tonight.” She said. “Maybe another night. Bye.” She hung up.

I should’ve known better. Of course she was still mad at me. She didn’t even accept my apology. But she did apologize herself, so maybe that was something.

I laid back down sadly and went to sleep.

_Love it when your ass speak the truth to me, oh_  
_Tryna wake up and have you with me, oh_

I got up about an hour later to go to the bathroom. But as I was heading back to bed, I heard a knock at the door. I opened it. To my surprise, it was Elizabeth.

“I thought you weren’t coming over tonight.” I said.

“You were right.” She told me. “Philip doesn’t love me. And I need to stop giving him chances. He’s just going to throw them all away.”

I was glad she was finally admitting it, but I was still surprised.

“You were right too.” I admitted. I couldn’t believe I was actually saying it. “I am jealous of Philip. I do still love you. I never stopped. I’ve dreamt for years of waking up with you beside me.”

“Who knows?” She remarked. “Your dream just might come true tonight.”

_Waitin’ on you to give in and hit me up_  
_So I can fall through like old times and hit it up_

Suddenly, Elizabeth kissed me. I had been waiting years for this moment. I never really thought it would come.

Her kiss brought me back to our fling during the war. Philip was gone and she was lonely, so she turned to me. We frequently snuck out to have a few drinks, make out, and sometimes, make love.

Making out with Elizabeth made me feel like a teenager again, and I could tell she felt the same way. I hoped that our kiss would lead to what it used to.

But just as suddenly as she had kissed me, she pulled away.

_I’m terrible at inviting myself, call me over_  
_Those nights when you need someone else, call me over_

She looked slightly guilty. I could tell she was thinking about Philip.

She sat down on the couch and I sat beside her.

“I’m sorry.” She said suddenly. “I don’t know what I’m doing here.”

“Don’t be sorry.” I replied. “I want you here.”

“It’s just, I don’t know how I feel about you.” She told me. “I know I feel something, but I don’t know if it’s love or just lust. And I don’t want to lead you on or get your hopes up. I don’t want to break your heart again. I’m sick of hurting people.”

“Lilibet, I don’t care what you feel for me. I just need you.”

“I think I need you too.”

“Well, whenever you want to see me, just call.” I told her. “I’ll always be here for you.”

_You can be the one to take control, call me over_  
_When I get there you already know, call me_

We sat in silence for a moment, before she kissed me again. It was a softer, more romantic kiss than earlier.

Before we knew it, we were undressing each other. When we were naked, she pulled away.

“You’re beautiful.” I told her. She blushed. She got up and took my hand, leading me to the bedroom. We started making out again as I pushed her on the bed. This time, I was the one to pull away.

“Are you sure you want this?”

_I threw my hands in the air and said show me something_

She was silent for a moment before smiling.

“Yes.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s been so long since I posted. I’ve been really busy. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you’ve enjoyed it so far. There will be a part 2 coming. :)
> 
> Also, as usual, if you have any suggestions for songs/characters/situations you would like to see me do leave them in the comments. Thanks! :)


	8. Days in The East/Stay Pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on Days in the East by Drake and Stay by Rihanna and Mikky Ekko

**Elizabeth’s POV:**   
_All along it was a fever_   
_A cold-sweat hot-headed believer_

I couldn’t believe what I was about to do. But the more I thought about it, I could. I had never thought I would cheat on Philip. But I was glad I was doing it.

The past few weeks played back in my mind. Philip had beaten me then left me crying alone on the floor. We had hardly spoken since. I was pretty sure he was cheating on me again.

I had been delusional to think we could still work things out. That was nothing but a pipe dream. I needed to accept reality. Philip and I were as good as done.

_I threw my hands in the air and said “Show me something,”_   
_He said if you dare come a little closer_

“Are you sure you want this?” Porchey asked, as I lay under him. We were already naked.

“Yes.” I answered with a smile.

We made love. It felt different, but in a good way. Porchey seemed to care about me more than Philip had. But there was also an added element of passion and risk in this. After all, we were both married to other people. Not to mention harboring confusing feelings about each other.

When we finished, he rolled off me.

“Lilibet, that was amazing.” He told me.

“Perhaps we’ll have to try it again sometime.”

_Round and around and around and around we go_   
_Oh now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know_

I stayed the night at Porchey’s, but I went home the next morning. I had work to do. As I walked through the palace, I felt a sense of guilt creep up inside me. But as I made my way to my room and passed Philip’s, it faded away. He wasn’t there. He had probably spent the night with another woman.

I changed clothes and went to work. It was a boring day. Which was fine, because I couldn’t pay attention to anything important anyway. All I could think about was what a mess my marriage was. And my confusing feelings about Porchey. I wasn’t even sure who I loved anymore.

I went back to my room later that afternoon. I tried to sort things out in my mind, but the more I thought about it, the more confusing everything got.

Suddenly, a figure appeared in my doorway. Philip.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“I just wanted to see you.” He told me.

“Why?” I wanted to see him, but I was also nervous. Wouldn’t this just end in another fight? I couldn’t stand to get hurt again.

“I’ve been thinking. And I thought maybe we could work things out.”

“I’ve been thinking too.” I replied nervously. “And as much as I would like to work things out with you, I’m not sure we can anymore.”

“Why not?”

“Because every time we try, all we do is ruin it.” I explained. “I love you so much, but I can’t bear to get hurt again. You understand that, right?”

“I guess.” He sighed. He sat down next to me on my bed, and for awhile, we just sat there. In a depressing silence.

_Not really sure how to feel about it_   
_Something in the way you move_   
_Makes me feel like I can’t live without you_   
_It takes me all the way_   
_I want you to stay_

I didn’t know what to do anymore. Or what to think. Or how to feel. I was just so confused. And upset. I loved Philip desperately, and he seemed to still love me. But the energy and passion of our youth was gone. The crown had all but sucked it out of me. And the energy and passion had faded from our marriage as well, taking any kind of hope for a happy future with it.

As much as I wanted to, I just couldn’t see how we could work things out. Everytime we tried, we both just ended up getting hurt again. And I couldn’t take it anymore.

Yet, I couldn’t leave. Divorce wasn’t even an option for us. And even if it was, I didn’t want it. I still loved him, and I didn’t know how I could live without him. Despite everything, I still needed him here.

Philip sighed.

“I should go.” He said. He started to stand up.

“No.” I protested, grabbing his arm. I started to cry. “Stay. I want you here.”

“Alright.” He agreed quietly. He sat back down and took me in his arms. I climbed into his lap. And for awhile, he just held me while I cried into his chest.

**Philip’s POV:**   
_It’s not much of a life you’re living_   
_It’s not just something you take, it’s given_

I looked down at Elizabeth. Poor thing. I felt sorry for her. I truly did love her, and I knew she loved me. We just couldn’t work this out. It was mostly my fault. I was the one that kept fucking everything up. I kept hurting her. So she grew more distant. I felt her slipping further away from me every day. And I could never pull her back, no matter how hard I tried. Everytime, my pride got in the way.

Elizabeth drowned herself in her role as queen. I wasn’t there to keep her head above the dark waters of burden and responsibility. And she couldn’t swim by herself. The Elizabeth I had married was long gone. And it was my fault.

_Round and around and around and around we go_   
_Oh, now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now, you know_

It seemed Elizabeth and I were caught in an endless cycle. Fight, stop speaking, make up, fight again. We had to end it.

But right now, it seemed the only way to do that was to really end our marriage. And we couldn’t do that. Even if divorce was an option, neither of us wanted it. I loved her too much to leave her. I couldn’t live without her.

Maybe, if I could put my pride aside and start actually being a supportive husband, we could end the cycle. But I knew I could never do that. I loved her, but my ego was too big to let me act like it. I sighed.

”I love you.” I told her. She looked at me sadly. It wasn’t a lie, but to her it must have sounded like one.

It was like I couldn’t do anything but hurt her. And she was sick of getting hurt. And I was sick of hurting her.

_Not really sure how to feel about it_   
_Something in the way you move_   
_Makes me feel like I can’t live without you_   
_Yeah, it takes me all the way_   
_I want you to stay_

Suddenly, Elizabeth got off me.

“I’m tired.” She told me.

“Do you still want me to stay here?” I asked.

“No.” She answered softly.

I got up and left sadly. I went to my room and sat on my bed. I hadn’t wanted to leave her, but I had no choice. I could’ve held her in my arms forever if she wanted me to. But she didn’t.

I didn’t know if I could really go on without her. It would feel like a part of me was missing. But I couldn’t keep her without putting my pride and ego aside. And I knew that in the end, my pride would always win out.

**Elizabeth’s POV:**   
_Ooh, the reason I hold on_   
_Ooh, ‘cause I need this hole gone_

The next day, I went over to Porchey’s. I didn’t tell him I was coming, but I figured he wouldn’t mind. I was right.

“Hello,” he greeted me. “I didn’t know you were coming.”

“I just couldn’t stand being in the Palace any longer.”

“Did something happen?” He asked.

“Philip and I kind of started to make up last night, but I just wouldn’t let it happen.” I explained. “I can’t let him hurt me anymore.”

Porchey and I sat on the couch.

“Why don’t you just leave him?” He asked.

“I can’t.”

“I didn’t mean divorce. But you know, some kind of unofficial separation.”

“I just can’t let go of him.” I confessed. “I still love him. And I want to go back to him. I just don’t know how.”

“Why go back? He doesn’t love you.”

“Yes he does.” I insisted.

“Does he really?” Porchey raised an eyebrow.

“He told me he does.”

“Actions speak louder than words.” He replied.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that a man who beats you and leaves you laying on the floor crying doesn’t love you, I don’t care what he says.”

**Porchey’s POV:**   
_You would probably kill another man for the boy_   
_You would probably lie about it on the stand for your boy_   
_Put the Bible to your right hand for the boy_   
_That’s why you ain’t ever gotta worry ‘bout the boy_

Elizabeth looked up at me, tears welling in her eyes. She didn’t want to hear what I was about to say, but I didn’t care. She needed to.

“But you somehow don’t realize he doesn’t love you.” I said.

“He does love me. He told me so.”

“He’s lying to you. Quit burying your head in the sand and realize that.”

“But he’s not lying.” She argued. “I believe him.”

“Why?”

“I just feel like I have to.” She responded.

“You also feel like you have to do what he says.” I snapped. I knew what this was. She vowed at their wedding that she would obey Philip, and she refused to break that vow. Even though she should have a long time ago. He had some kind of hold on her.

“What do you mean?” She asked, even though I could tell from her face that she knew exactly what I meant.

“You would do anything if he told you to.” I replied. “He could come home tomorrow and tell you to kill someone and you’d do it.” Her eyes widened.

“No I wouldn’t.”  
  
“Yes you would. And if you got caught, you’d take all the blame. You would lie to the judge and say Philip had nothing to do with it. That it was all your idea. He didn’t hand you the gun and he didn’t stand behind you and force you to do it. You’d spend the rest of your life in prison and let him go free if he told you to.”

_You know you got that really good insurance on the boy_   
_You just gotta pack a bag and hurry to the boy_

“No.” Elizabeth protested. “Philip would never do something like that. He loves me.”

“If he loves you so much, what are you doing here?”

“I don’t know.” She confessed. “I don’t know what to do anymore. I love him, and I know he loves me, but all he does is hurt me.”

“And you’re tired of getting hurt.” I repeated the words she’d told me many times. “Elizabeth,” I sighed. “If you want him, go back. I can’t say for sure if you can really work things out, but if you’re both willing to try, it’s worth a shot.”

“Really?”

“Yes. And I’m sorry about what I said.”

“I forgive you.” She replied, leaning her head on my shoulder.

Elizabeth stayed and ate lunch with me, then left. I felt alone, but also at peace. My wife had called me the day before. She wanted a divorce. Things just weren’t going to work. But I hoped Elizabeth and Philip worked things out. As long as she was happy, so was I. And as much as I wished she would be more than a friend, I knew I wasn’t what she really wanted. She wanted Philip. And I was okay with that.

**Elizabeth’s POV:**   
_Funny you’re the broken one_   
_But I’m the only one who needed saving_   
_‘Cause when you never see the light_   
_It’s hard to know which one of us is caving_

When I got back to the palace, Philip wasn’t there. I sat on his bed and waited for him to come home. I fully expected him to come stumbling in drunk at midnight.

But he walked into the room at seven, completely sober.

“What are you doing in here?” Philip asked.

“Waiting for you.” I replied. “Where were you?”

“I was out with a friend, but she wanted to go home.” I raised an eyebrow.

“She?”

“Yes. She.”

“Who is she?” I questioned.

“Her name is Galina.” He told me. I winced, but he didn’t notice. “You don’t know her.”

“What exactly were you doing?” I was suspicious. I knew he’d had an affair with her before.

“Just hanging out.” He told me. “I know what you’re thinking, but we’re just friends. She has a boyfriend now.”

“Now?”

“Yes. They just got together recently.”

“Oh.” I replied. I was done questioning him. I figured if he’d really been doing anything wrong he’d be more defensive.

Philip walked over and sat on the bed next to me. We were quiet for a minute, until he sighed and spoke.

“Lilibet, what happened to us?” He asked.

“I don’t know.” I replied. “Things were going well, and then suddenly you beat the shit out of me.”

“I’m sorry.” He told me, grabbing my hand. I took his hand, but I wasn’t sure I could accept his apology. Porchey’s words still echoed in my mind, even if he had taken them back.

“Do you really love me?” I asked.

“Of course I do.”

“Then why do you act like this? Why do you hurt me?”

“Because I’m hurt, Elizabeth.” He replied, his tone getting more severe. “I’m sorry I’ve hurt you, but I can’t help it. You’ve hurt me. And my pride won’t let me lay down and take it, even if you didn’t mean to.”

“Well, if you could just grow the hell up and swallow your pride, and accept that you’re not the one in power in this marriage, you wouldn’t get hurt.” I spat.   
Porchey’s words had sparked a sense of empowerment in me. I couldn’t just be complacent and let Philip keep hurting me anymore.

“So it’s my fault. Because you can’t take responsibility for anything. You can do no wrong. You’re the queen.”

“You’re the one that caused the issues in this marriage. I didn’t do anything wrong!” I yelled. “You can’t stand to not be in control, so instead of handling it like an adult, you lash out and hurt me. It’s all you’ve done from the moment I became queen. Don’t you get it? You broke me!” I burst into tears.

“Lilibet,” he reached for me to try and comfort me. I pulled away.

“No. Get out!” I screamed. “Get the hell out!”

Philip got up and started to leave, but stopped at the door. He turned around.

“No. I’m not leaving you again.” He started crying too. “Not now. Not ever. I love you.”

_Not really sure how to feel about it_   
_Something in the way you move_   
_Makes me feel like I can’t live without you_   
_And it takes me all the way_   
_I want you to stay_

He walked back to me and took me in his arms. I buried my head into his chest.

“I love you too.” I sobbed. “I don’t know how I could live without you.”

“I couldn’t live without you either.” Philip replied. “And I will do whatever it takes to fix our marriage.”

“You keep saying that. But every time you ruin it again.”

“I’m sorry.” He planted a kiss in my hair. “But I really will fix it this time. I promise. It won’t be easy, but I will.”

_Stay_   
_I want you to stay_   
_Ooh_

After a few minutes, I went and laid on the bed. Philip laid down next to me.

“Do you want me to leave?” He asked.

“No.” I replied, pressing up against him. “Stay.”

“I will.” He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me. “Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed that. My next chapter will be a request. What I’m going to start doing is alternating between requests and my own ideas. 
> 
> Speaking of requests, if you have any, make sure to leave them in the comments! Thanks! :)


	9. Sad Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off Sad Song by We The Kings ft. Elena Coats.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S/O to joyce for the song suggestion!

_You and I_   
_We’re like fireworks and symphonies exploding in the sky_   
_With you, I’m alive_   
_Like all the missing pieces of my heart, they finally collide_

I sat with Philip on the balcony at Balmoral. We had been here for a few days just to escape everything. We needed some time alone. Tonight was our last night before we went back to London.

We were eating dinner, trying to enjoy our last hours of peace. The sun was setting behind the mountains. It was beautiful. We didn’t say anything. We didn’t have to. We were content to just sit in silence. A few months ago, this silence would’ve been lonely and cold. But now, it was just peaceful and quiet. And when Philip finally spoke, there was nothing bitter about it. He looked at me across the table with soft eyes and smiled.

“I love you, Lilibet.” He told me. I returned the smile.

“I love you too.”

I got up and walked over to him, climbing in his lap. I kissed him, and he kissed back. There was a spark in the kiss that I had once thought was gone forever.

I felt more like me than I had in months. Happier. More alive. Not long ago, I was broken and hopeless. Philip had shattered my heart into a million pieces. But here, he had helped me put it back together. Being here with Philip really reminded both of us how much we needed each other. How much we loved each other.

_So stop time right here in the moonlight_   
_‘Cause I don’t ever wanna close my eyes_

As the sun set, Philip stood up and carried me inside the bedroom, keeping our lips locked as best we could. He laid me down on the bed and climbed on top of me. I smiled and let out a small laugh. We hadn’t done this in a long time.

We made love. It was beautiful. When we finished, he rolled off me and for awhile we just laid there.

“I love you.” He told me again. “Lilibet, seriously. I really need you to know that. I love you more than you could ever imagine.”

“I know.” I replied. “And I love you too.”

He leaned over and kissed me again. From the bed, I could see out the window. The moonlight shone through, and I could see the shadows of the mountains under the pale light. It was breathtaking. And there was no one I would’ve rather been in that moment with.

I wanted to stop time right there. I would’ve lived in that moment forever if I could’ve. I didn’t want to go back to London. I wanted to stay in this bed with Philip forever.

_Without you, I feel broke_   
_Like I’m half of a whole_   
_Without you, I’ve got no hand to hold_

Twelve hours from now, we’d be back in London. Everything would go back to normal. And as much as I wanted to be hopeful, I just had a feeling Philip and I would slip back to the way we were. Cold and distant.

I prayed that wouldn’t happen. I couldn’t bear to be apart from him again. He completed me. He kept me sane. It was almost impossible to balance Elizabeth Windsor and Elizabeth Regina without him. When he was gone, I felt lost. Like two warring halves of a woman. But with him, I felt stable. Whole.

I don’t think he realized just how much I needed him. How much I depended on him. Since I became queen, I knew he had felt overshadowed and unimportant. But I really needed him there. I could hardly function without him.

I needed him there to hold me. To support me. To love me. And to make me feel like everything was going to be okay.

_Without you, I feel torn_   
_Like a sail in a storm_   
_Without you, I’m just a sad song_   
_I’m just a sad song_

The next morning, Philip and I boarded the train back to London. As I left the castle, the wind whipped my dress. A storm was rolling in. I prayed that wasn’t some kind of sign.

I sat across Philip on the train. We didn’t talk much. We were both feeling the same thing. Sadness. Neither of us wanted to go back.

I prayed that things wouldn’t change when we got back. I wanted us to stay like this. I wanted us to still get along. To still be on love. I just couldn’t bear the thought of us falling apart again.

_With you I fall_   
_It’s like I’m leaving all my past in silhouettes up on the wall_   
_With you I’m a beautiful mess_   
_It’s like we’re standing hand in hand with all our fears up on the edge_

It had been a week since we got back from Balmoral. It had gone exactly as I had feared.

At first, it was fine. The first night back, we ate dinner together and even slept in the same bed. But the next day, things started to slip back to the way they were. Philip was still home, in the sitting room, when I got back from work. He greeted me lovingly, but there was something colder about it. I could already feel the distance starting to grow between us. The next night was the same.

But the day after, when I opened the door, Philip wasn’t there. I looked in his bedroom, then mine. Nowhere. He was gone. I had no idea where.

It had been like that ever since. He would come home stumbling about midnight. I would pretend to be asleep. We would wake up and greet each other with a cold hello, then go our separate ways. It was killing me. How had this happened again so fast?

The week before had been incredible. We had really fallen in love all over again. We had left the past behind us and come together again. It had been wonderful to hold his hand again. To kiss him. To be in his arms. But I had known it couldn’t last.

_So stop time right here in the moonlight_   
_‘Cause I don’t ever wanna close my eyes_

That night, when Philip came home, I didn’t ignore him. I couldn’t.

“Lilibet,” He whispered drunkenly.

“Philip?” I rolled over in bed. “What do you want?”

“I just wanted to sleep in your bed tonight.”

Most interactions I’d had with drunk Philip had been awful, but he was sweet tonight.

“Alright.” I agreed.

He stumbled to the bed and climbed in next to me. I cuddled up against him.

I could’ve asked where he had been. Why he had gone back to his old ways so fast. But I wouldn’t get any good answers out of him. I would only be causing trouble. And that was the last thing I wanted.

As we laid there in silence, I found myself pretending that he wasn’t drunk. That he was still in love with me. I held on to that moment. I knew it would be the last one like it for a long time.

_Without you, I feel broke_   
_Like I’m half of a whole_   
_Without you, I’ve got no hand to hold_

The next day, Philip and I got up and went our separate ways. I went to work and he went God knows where.

I was depressed. Philip and I had fallen in love again at Balmoral, only to fall apart again as soon as we got back. Why? Didn’t he love me?

I felt myself starting to drown in my work again. Philip wasn’t here to keep Elizabeth Windsor alive, so Elizabeth Regina was taking over again.

I was completely heartbroken. I needed Philip here. Why didn’t he understand that?

_Without you, I feel torn_   
_Like a sail in a storm_   
_Without you, I’m just a sad song_

When I got back to our apartment, Philip wasn’t there. Not that I expected him to be. But I was hoping he would be.

I felt so alone without him. So broken. I sat down on the couch and cried. I reached over to the radio and turned it on.

I didn’t know the song that was playing, but I felt it. It was a sad song. It was about a woman who had been abandoned by her lover. I related to the song more than I cared to admit.

I turned off the radio and went to bed.

_You're the perfect melody_   
_The only harmony_   
_I wanna hear_

I laid in bed desperately wanting Philip to come home, sober, and crawl in with me. I wanted him to hold me tight and tell me he loved me. That those feelings from Balmoral hadn’t gone away. I wanted to hear him say my name from the doorway.

But he didn’t. All I could hear was that sad song, that wouldn’t leave my head.

_You’re my favorite part of me_   
_With you standing next to me_   
_I’ve got nothing to fear_

I started to cry again. I needed Philip here with me. Why didn’t he understand that? I couldn’t do this without him.

He kept me stable and sane. He stopped Elizabeth Windsor from being drowned out by Elizabeth Regina.

Didn’t he know that? Did he think I didn’t need him anymore? Or did he just not care?

It was starting to seem like the latter. And it broke my heart. At least I think it did. I wasn’t sure if it was possible for Philip to break my heart into even smaller pieces than he already had.

But that didn’t really matter to me. At the end of the day, he broke my heart and I needed him to put it back together again.

_Without you, I feel broke_   
_Like I’m half of a whole_   
_Without you, I’ve got no hand to hold_

The next morning, I saw Philip again. He was still in bed asleep. I crawled in next to him. I would probably be late to work if I stayed in here too long, but this was too important of an opportunity not to take. I cuddled up next to him and kissed his neck. His eyes opened.

“Lilibet?”

“Yes. It’s me.” He sat up.

“What do you want?” He asked. “What time is it?”

“Seven-thirty.” I told him. “I want to talk to you.”

“Does it have to be now?”

“I don’t know if you’ll be here later.”

“I will be.” He took my hand. “I promise.”

“Really?” I was skeptical.

“Really.” He leaned in and kissed me. “I love you.”

For a moment, we sat there holding hands. And just for a moment, I felt okay again.

_Without you, I feel torn_   
_Like a sail in a storm_   
_Without you, I’m just a sad song_

But it couldn’t last. After a few minutes, I had to get ready for work. I hoped Philip would keep his promise, but I wasn’t counting on it.

I went through my day anxiously. I was distracted. Thankfully, nothing too important was going on. I couldn’t pay attention to anything. All I could think about was Philip.

After a meeting with Michael Adeane at five, I went back to our apartment. I walked through the door slowly and nervously, silently praying Philip would still be there.

He was.

_Without you, I feel broke_   
_Like I’m half of a whole_   
_Without you, I’ve got no hand to hold_

Philip was sitting on the couch reading a newspaper. He looked up when I came in.

“I told you I’d be here.” He said.

“I’m sorry I doubted you.”

“Don’t be.” He replied. “I haven’t exactly been one to keep my promises lately.”

I sat down next to him.

“I know.” I said softly.

“Is this what you wanted to talk about?” He asked. I nodded.

“You promised that you wouldn’t go back to your old ways when we came back.” I started. “But you did. Almost immediately.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t understand.” I went on, ignoring his apology. “Or you just don’t care. But without you, I’m broken. You’re the only thing that keeps me sane. The only person who can keep me from disappearing entirely. But you just keep hurting me. Abandoning me.”

“I do care, Lilibet.” He told me.

“Then why do you act like this?”

“I don’t know.” He replied. “But I’ll do better. I promise.”

“Really?” I really didn’t believe him.

“Really.” He gave me a kiss on the cheek. “I understand if you feel like you can’t believe me right now, but I do intend to keep this promise. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

_Without you, I feel torn_   
_Like a sail in a storm_   
_Without you, I’m just a sad song_

Philip and I sat there for awhile in silence. I cuddled up next to him and he wrapped me in his arms. It felt good to be in his arms again.

Even though I wasn’t sure I could believe his promise, it still made me feel better. At least I felt like he cared about me. He wasn’t abandoning me or hurting me on purpose.

I leaned my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. For the first time this week, I felt relaxed. I felt happy. I felt loved.

_I’m just a sad song_   
_I’m just a sad song_

A week had passed since my conversation with Philip. To my surprise, he had kept his promise.

I walked into our apartment to find him holding a dozen roses.

“What are these for?” I asked, surprised.

“Just because.” He smiled. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

After we put the flowers in water, Philip took my hand and lead me back to the sitting room. He turned on the radio.

“Would you care to dance?” He asked.

“Of course.”

The first song that came on was that sad song again. Philip turned it to another station. The song that was playing now was beautiful and happy. It was about being in love. It matched our mood perfectly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any requests, please leave them in the comments! Thanks! :)


	10. My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark (Light Em Up) by Fall Out Boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is back in the AU from the first series I did where Elizabeth has magical powers. If you haven’t read that or need a refresher, Elizabeth has the power of telekinesis and the power to control the elements. She’s like a cross between Lena from Beatiful Creatures and Eleven from Stranger Things. 
> 
> This one is from Philip’s POV. Hope you enjoy!

_Be careful making wishes in the dark, dark_  
_Can’t be sure when they’ve hit their mark_  
_And besides in the mean-meantime I’m just dreaming of tearing you apart_

I laid next to Elizabeth. It was well after midnight. Her room was pitch black, save for the faint moonlight shining through the curtains. She held onto me tightly.

“I wish I could spend more time with you.” She whispered.

“Be careful what you wish for.” I warned playfully.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She asked, sounding confused.

“It means, you don’t want to spend too much time with me. You’ll get sick of me. Besides, you have more important things to do.”

“Maybe I do, but I don’t want to do them.” She kissed me. “All I want to do is be with you.”

I kissed her back, but said nothing. She had no idea how serious my warning was. I was sick of her. She wasn’t the woman I married anymore. Being queen had made her cold. And her powers had made her dangerous. Very dangerous.

I had no idea what she was truly capable of. Probably anything. She could move things with her mind. Flood a room just by shedding a tear. Set things on fire just by looking at them. She could crush a person like an empty can if she wanted to. All without lifting a finger.

I thought I would be able to handle her being queen. And maybe, if she was just a queen, I could’ve handled it. But she had become superhuman. And sometimes, she had little control over her powers. She had gotten better, but still, when her emotions got the best of her, so did her powers. I had been on the receiving end of them a few times. I couldn’t take it anymore.

For weeks now, I had been secretly fantasizing about killing her. I didn’t know how I would do it, or even if I could, but I wanted to. I felt sick and evil, but I didn’t see another solution.

As I held her in my arms, I thought about whether I could live with the guilt of killing her. Could I live with the guilt of taking my children away from their mother? Of taking a mother away from her daughter?

I weighed the question in my mind. And I decided I could.

 _I’m in the de-details with the devil_  
_So now the world can never get me on my level_  
_I just got to get you out the cage_  
_I’m a young lovers rage_  
_Gonna need a spark to ignite_

Now the question was, how would I do it? How could I? She had capabilities far beyond anything I would ever be able to do. She would probably paralyze me the moment I laid a hand on her.

I would have to kill her from far away. Could I shoot her? Stab her in her sleep? Slit her throat?

Suddenly, the thought of killing her made me feel sick. What the hell was I doing? Laying here planning to kill my wife while she was asleep in my arms. What kind of psycho was I? I decided to go to sleep.

And yet, even as I closed my eyes, the thought still wouldn’t leave me. I had to kill her. I just had to figure out a way.

_My songs know what you did in the dark_

The next day, I came home to find her in her room. But she wasn’t alone. She was with Porchey. They weren’t doing anything, just talking, but I knew they had been. I could tell from their body language. The way they talked to each other. The way they looked at each other. The way they subtly flirted.

I went to my room and sat down on my bed. I knew she had cheated. And yet she had the audacity to accuse me of cheating. To accuse me of treating her like shit, when she had taken away my pride and then slept with another man. How dare she?

The more I thought about it, and stewed in my anger, the more convinced I became. I needed to kill Elizabeth. And I had good reason to do it.

 _So light em up, up, up_  
_Light em up, up, up_  
_Light em up, up, up_  
_I’m on fire_

Later that night, after Porchey had left, I went into Elizabeth’s room to confront her. I wasn’t sure how this would go. I didn’t want to kill her yet, I needed time to plan first. But I had no idea what I was going to say.

“Hello.” She greeted me warily. She must have seen the anger in my face. “What do you want?”

“I want to know what the hell Porchey was doing in here.” I spat back, getting straight to the point.

“Nothing. We were just talking.” She said defensively. “About business.”

“And you really expect me to believe that?”

“You saw us in here. We were just talking.”

“Maybe today. But what about yesterday? Or the day before? What do you do all those times when I can’t see you?” I pressed.

“Nothing. We’re just friends.”

“Bullshit.”

Elizabeth sighed.

“Philip, I don’t really want to fight about this.” She looked at a picture of us on her nightstand. It fell on the floor and the frame shattered. The picture flew off the floor and into her hand. She stood up and gave it to me. Instantly it went up in flames. I threw it on the ground in panic, only to see the floor light up too. “Do you?”

“No.” I sighed. A rush of water came down from the ceiling and put the fire out.

“Good.”

Defeated, I turned around and walked back to my room.

 _So light em up, up, up_  
_Light em up, up, up_  
_Light em up, up, up_  
_I’m on fire_

I was so angry. I had to do something. I got up and took a picture of Elizabeth and I out of the frame. I took the lighter out of my dresser drawer and set the corner of it on fire. I stood and watched as it burned. Then I burned another. And another. Until all the pictures of us were gone except one.

The last picture left was of just Elizabeth. It was a picture I had taken of her in Malta. She looked so pretty. I hesitated to burn it. But I sighed. The woman in this picture was gone and she was never coming back. She was the queen now, and she would never be Elizabeth Mountbatten again.

As I watched it burn, I suddenly got an idea. Elizabeth could set things on fire with her mind. But what if I could get her to turn that power on herself?

 _The writers keep writing what they write_  
_Somewhere another pretty vein just dies_  
_I got the scars from tomorrow and I wish you could see_  
_That you’re the antidote to everything except for me_

I guessed that she could probably turn her powers on herself. But how could I get her to do that? It’s not like I had some kind of mind control powers. However, I did seem to have a strong hold over her. A strong influence. She did take things I said to heart, especially when those things were awful.

Could I subtly convince her to kill herself? Convince her that the world would be better off if she were dead? It would be a horrible thing to do, but it might work.

Besides, if it was a suicide and not a murder, there would be no investigation. And no one would suspect I, who as far as the public knew was a loving husband, had anything to do with it.

When I looked in her room the next morning, she was gone. Good. I had a little surprise to leave for her. I laid the note on her bed and left.

“Dear Elizabeth,  
As far as the public is concerned, you are their queen. You are a perfect goddess who could never set a foot wrong. A beacon of duty, patriotism, and loyalty. While you may be loved and admired by your subjects, you should know that your family does not share that sentiment, especially not your husband. I hate you. You have absolutely ruined my life. You’ve taken everything from me. You’re nothing but a lying, cheating, bitch. I despise everything about you. The world would be better off if you were dead. Sure, the people may be sad for a bit, but they’d get over it. The most important thing is that I would be better off if you were dead. And deep down, I know all you really want is to make me happy. I know, despite everything, you’d still do anything for me. After all, you are the queen, and selflessness is simply part of your duty.  
-Philip”

 _A constellation of tears on your lashes_  
_Burn everything you love and burn the ashes_  
_In the end everything collides_  
_My childhood spat back out the monster that you see_

That evening, I could hear rain coming down as I walked toward her room. The door was open. I peered in and saw Elizabeth sitting on her bed sobbing. Rain poured down around her, starting to flood the room. Everything was soaked, including her. A bright orange flame glowed from the pool of water on the floor. She stared at it intently, tears streaming down her cheeks. I assumed it was the note.

For a split second, I felt bad for her, but I pushed it away, convincing myself I would feel better after it was all over. After she was dead.

Suddenly, she looked up at me. Anger flared up in her eyes, and she cried harder. The harder she cried, the harder it rained.

She said nothing, just glared at me with eyes that seemed to be looking through my soul. I started to feel myself freeze up. I tried to move, but I couldn’t. I was completely paralyzed. Wordlessly, she got up and walked towards me. The closer she got, the more pressure I felt coming down on me. I let out a strangled scream. It was as if I was being crushed alive. She had me paralyzed before, but nothing like this. It was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life.

As quickly as it started, it stopped. I fell face first into the flood of water, right on to the burning letter. Slowly, the rain stopped too. And the fire went out. I realized she had run out of energy. She just couldn’t use her powers all at once for that long. She collapsed onto her knees, breathless.

This would’ve been a great moment to kill her, while she was too exhausted to use her powers. But I was too exhausted to do anything. All I could muster up the energy to do was sit up so I wouldn’t drown.

“I meant everything I said in that note.” I muttered. “I hate you. And I genuinely think that we would all be better off if you died.”

“You can’t possibly mean that.” She started crying again. “You can’t want me dead. You love me.”

“I love Elizabeth Mountbatten. But she’s gone.” I replied coldly. “You’re not her anymore. And I hate you. I hate what you’ve become. And I really would be better off if you killed yourself.”

For a few minutes, she just sat there in silence. She looked defeated, but when I saw flames rising up through the water on the floor, I realized she had been regaining her strength. She didn’t look around as her room went up in flames. She just stared at me. The look in her eyes sent a chill up my spine.

Suddenly, she got up and left. But the fire kept burning. I had no idea what to do. I was so exhausted I could hardly move. But when I heard cracking, I panicked. I dragged myself to the door, barely making it out in time as the room came crashing down. I crawled to my room and collapsed on the floor.

How had my life come to this? What had happened? Why was I like this? Had I simply been raised to be like this? I hadn’t exactly had the best childhood. No one in my family had wanted me and they hadn’t exactly made a secret of it. Had they simply made me into a monster?

No matter how I became a monster, there was no denying that was what I was. Why else would I want to kill my own wife? Why else would I encourage my own wife to kill herself?

She was right. I was supposed to love her. But I just couldn’t anymore.

_My songs know what you did in the dark_

I had no idea where Elizabeth went. She didn’t come back for days. People had come in to clean up her room. I kept expecting her to walk through the door to our apartment, but she never did.

On one hand, I felt bad. I had just tried to convince my wife to kill herself. What the hell kind of person was I?

But then again, she had responded by trying to kill me. She was psychotic and dangerous. If I was ever going to be happy again, I needed her dead. Besides, deep down, I knew where she was. She as with Porchey. She had probably slept with him mere hours after she had tried to kill me.

The more I focused on that, the less guilty I felt. And the more I became convinced. I had to end this. And if I couldn’t make her kill herself, there was only one thing left to do. I had to kill her.

 _So light em up, up, up_  
_Light em up, up, up_  
_Light em up, up, up_  
_I’m on fire_

I had to make my plan now. I couldn’t go into this fight unprepared. She had powers far beyond anything I could do. Whatever I did, I had to do it fast and from far away.

An idea started forming in my head. I knew how I could do it. I had a plan. Now I needed to figure out how I’d pull it off.

 _So light em up, up, up_  
_Light em up, up, up_  
_Light em up, up, up_  
_I’m on fire_

First of all, I needed to find her. I was pretty sure she was with Porchey, but I needed confirmation. She could’ve run off to any of the royal residences. Or she could be staying with another friend.

I had to ask someone close to her. But who? Would Michael know? The Prime Minister? After all, they would need to be able to get ahold of her in the event of an emergency. Surely they knew where she had gone. Surely most of her staff knew. They probably wouldn’t tell me, but I had to try.

I went down to Michael’s office and knocked on the door. Maybe he would tell me.

“Come in.” He answered. “Oh, Your Royal Highness,” he stood up when he saw me. “May I help you?”

“Yes, actually. I was wondering if you knew where my wife was?” I asked, feigning concern. “I haven’t seen her in days. Did she tell you where she went?”

“She did.”

“Can you tell me?”

“I’m sorry, sir.” He shook his head. “Her Majesty specifically ordered me not to tell you.”

I nodded.

“Thanks anyway.”

I left his office and walked down the hall, going nowhere in particular. I figured all of her staff had been given the same order. Would any of them betray her? I doubted it.

Was there anyone else who would know? What about her family? I bet Margaret and her mother knew. I smirked. And I bet they’d betray her too.

 _My songs know what you did in the dark_  
_(My songs know what you did in the dark)_

The next day, I went over to Clarence House. I highly doubted Elizabeth was there. She didn’t seem to trust her mother and sister enough to hide her. That realization gave me another doubt. If she wouldn’t trust them to hide her, would she trust them to keep her location a secret? I hoped so. Because I couldn’t think of anyone else who would know.

They invited me into the sitting room to talk.

“Do you know where Elizabeth is?” I asked them.  
  
“Perhaps.” Margaret answered. “But we’re sworn to secrecy.”

“She seems to think you’re going to kill her.” Her mother added.

“That’s ridiculous.” I said. “If anything, she’s been trying to kill me.”

“So I’ve heard.” Margaret remarked.

“Can you tell me where she is?”

They exchanged a look. A look that said they weren’t really sure of my intentions for finding Elizabeth, but also that they didn’t really care.

“She’s with Porchey.” Her mother said. “At his flat here in London. I believe his wife is there too.”

“What’s his address?”

“I’m not sure.”

“I know.” Margaret chimed in. She wrote something down on a piece of paper and handed it to me. I put it in my pocket.

“Thank you.”

I left smiling. I could finally put my plan into action.

 _So light em up, up, up_  
_Light em up, up, up_  
_Light em up, up, up_  
_I’m on fire_

That night, I drove to the address Margaret had given me. I had borrowed a hunting rifle from a friend. The hardest part of this was going to be getting in the flat. After all, it’s not like they would just let me in, considering the fact that she was hiding from me.

I walked in the building and up the stairs. The flat was on the third floor. I had been hoping there might be another way in besides the door, but there wasn’t. I tried the doorknob. It was locked.

I decided to try to get in from the outside. I kept in mind where the flat was in relation to the rest of the building as I went back outside. Perhaps there would be a set of fire stairs leading to a window or something.

But as I looked at the flat from the outside, I saw something even better. This was perfect. Two figures stood on their balcony. One was Porchey. The other was a woman. I stared at the figure for a minute to make sure it was Elizabeth. I decided it was. It had the same size and stature, and it looked like her hair. The facial features were hard to make out from so far away in the dark, but they looked like hers. I smiled and aimed my gun. Once I was sure I had my target, I took a deep breath and shot.

It hit. Right in the chest. Elizabeth fell from the balcony.

“Jeanie!” Porchey yelled, before running back inside.

I gasped. That couldn’t be right. I had been positive that was Elizabeth on the balcony. I couldn’t have possibly shot his wife instead.

The body landed just feet from me. As I approached it, my stomach dropped. It wasn’t Elizabeth.

 _So light em up, up, up_  
_Light em up, up, up_  
_Light em up, up, up_  
_I’m on fire_

I took off running towards the car. But suddenly, I froze. I was paralyzed. And then I was on fire. Literally. I already knew Elizabeth was doing it.

The force lifted, but the fire didn’t. Luckily, Porchey’s flat overlooked a large pond. I half-ran-half-staggered into it. The fire went out, but I didn’t have time to be relieved. I bolted from the pond to my car, praying they wouldn’t catch me.  
  
They didn’t. I sped off. I didn’t know where to go, but I knew I had to get the hell out of London. Now.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This storyline isn’t over yet! The sequel to this won’t be the next chapter, but the one after that. Stay tuned!
> 
> Also, if you have any suggestions for songs, characters, or situations you would like me to write, leave them in the comments. Thanks! :)


	11. Six Degrees of Separation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off Six Degrees of Separation by The Script.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S/O to Trixie2314 for the song suggestion! I hope you like it! :)

**Elizabeth’s POV:**

_You’ve read the books, you’ve watched the shows_

_What’s the best way, no one knows_

_Meditate, get hypnotized_

_Anything to take it from your mind_

_But it won’t go_

 

It was over. It was really over this time. Philip had walked out, for good. There couldn’t be any kind of legal separation, of course. Cabinet would never let us divorce. But it was as official of a separation as it could be.

 

We had been in my office, when Philip came in to talk. The fight started over something stupid, another one of Philip’s petty complaints, but quickly spiraled out of control. We hurled accusations of infidelity and emotional abuse and called each other pretty much every name in the book. Basically every problem we had ever had in our marriage, no matter how small, was brought up somehow.

 

Suddenly, Philip smacked me in the face and I punched his. He threw me on my desk, knocking over pictures and papers. I kneed him in the crotch. He grunted in pain, but punched me in the face hard, slamming my head into the desk. He punched me again. And again. I tried to throw him off me, but he was stronger. I reached for a picture frame next to me and hit him over the head with hit. It shattered. He grabbed my neck and started choking me. Tears rolled down my face. I was scared. I took a broken piece of glass and started tried to cut him with it. I was desperate to get him off me. I couldn’t breathe, and the more I cut him, the harder he choked me. I held the piece of glass against his throat and was about to stab him, when the door to my office opened. It was Michael Adeane. He was here for a meeting, but he turned around and left. Philip let go of me and I took a desperate gasp of air, dropping the glass.

 

For a minute we just stared at each other. If Michael hadn’t walked in at that moment, one of us would have killed the other. Finally, he spoke.

 

“There’s no fixing this, is there?” He asked.

 

“No.” I shook my head.

 

We both looked at each other and realized the same thing. There was no reconciliation after a fight like that.

 

“It’s over, isn’t it?” Philip asked. “Our marriage?”

 

“I think it is.” I agreed.

 

We didn’t say anything else, we just looked at each other sadly. There was an unspoken agreement in that stare. From that moment on, we were effectively single.

 

“I’m so sorry.” He said quietly.

 

“So am I.”

 

He turned around and left.

 

A week had passed. I had hardly seen Philip, and when I had, we didn’t speak. We didn’t even make eye contact. There had been an apology on both sides, but there was no forgiveness. There was no closure. And there never would be. All there was was a violent, abrupt realization that there could no longer be a relationship between us. And there was the sadness that came with that realization.

 

It was all I could think about. And nothing I tried doing helped. I had read books about moving on after breakups and divorces. I had talked to everyone I thought might be able to help. I had tried meditating. I had even let Margaret talk me into getting hypnotized. But nothing helped. Philip was still all I could think about. And as the days passed, the pain and sadness didn’t go away. They just got worse.

 

_You’re doing all these things out of desperation_

_You’re going through six degrees of separation_

 

I tried not to cry. I tried to numb the pain. But sometimes, it got the best of me. Especially at night. I had cried myself to sleep every night since the breakup.

 

I had no idea how to function without Philip. I relied on him, even if he wasn’t there to support me. There was nothing healthy about our relationship. Shouldn’t I be better off without him?

 

I sat on my bed, already starting to cry. I was tired of crying. I didn’t want to feel sad about it. After all, in the end, I would be better off without him.

 

I got up and walked to my dresser. I opened a drawer and took out a bottle of whiskey I had hidden in there. I took a drink.

 

This was the only solution I could find to numb the pain of our separation. To get so drunk I forgot about the whole thing.

 

_You hit the drink, you take a toke_

_Watch the past go up in smoke_

_Fake a smile, yeah, lie and say that_

_You’re better now than ever, and you’re life’s okay_

_Well it’s not, no_

 

The next day, Margaret came over for lunch. I was depressed, and I had a slight hangover from the night before. But I thought the company would help. Besides, I didn’t want my family to think I was just sitting down and moping. I wanted them to think I was okay and I was moving on. That it was getting better. That the wounds were healing, even though, if anything, they were just getting worse.

 

“So, how are you holding up?” Margaret asked me. I was surprised how supportive she and Mummy were being. I had expected them to say I deserved it and rub my face it it. But they didn’t. They were caring and compassionate.

 

“I’m doing better.” I lied. I gave her a small smile.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yes. I’m fine.”

 

“You don’t have to lie to me, Lilibet.” She told me. “I know you feel like you have to bury your emotions all the time, but you don’t. This is a hard time for you. It’s okay to be upset. I’m here for you. I know you weren’t expecting me to be, but I am.”

 

“It’s just, Philip and I have been through so much together. We have three kids. We’ve been married almost 13 years. Even though a lot of those years weren’t the happiest, it still hurts to see all of it fall apart.”

 

“I can’t even imagine. I thought breaking up with Peter was the hardest thing I would ever do. I never thought I’d move on. But I have. Everyone was right. It still hurts to think about sometimes, it probably always will, but I have moved on with my life. You will too. You’ll find someone else.”

 

“No I won’t.” I shook my head.

 

“You will. Actually, you already have someone else.”

 

“Who?”

 

“Porchey.”

 

“Margaret, he’s married.” I argued.

 

“Legally, so are you.” She reminded me. “It’s not like you and Porchey could marry anyway, so if he has feelings for you, which he does, I don’t think it matters if he’s already married.”

 

“But I don’t think I’d want that.”

 

“You wouldn’t?” She asked skeptically.

 

“It’s not that I don’t have feelings for him, it’s just that,” I sighed. “I know what it’s like to be cheated on. I wouldn’t want to put his wife through that.”

 

Margaret nodded and took out a pack of cigarettes.

 

“Want one?” She offered.

 

“Margaret, you know I don’t smoke.”

 

“I know you think it’s disgusting, but it will help you relax. It might even make you feel better.”

 

“I’m sure smoking will make me feel fantastic, especially twenty years from now when I’m dying of cancer.”

 

I took one anyway. She lit it, and I started smoking it, but couldn’t finish. It made me cough and it tasted awful. Instead, I stared at the cloud of smoke coming from Margaret. I focused on it, the color of it, the way it floated through the air, the cancer it was giving Margaret, and tried very hard not to think about Philip. It almost worked.

 

_You’re doing all these things out of desperation_

_You’re going through six degrees of separation_

 

I was feeling better after lunch with Margaret, but I caught a glimpse of Philip in his room on my way back. And suddenly, he was all I could think about again.

 

I went back to my room and shut the door. I collapsed on my bed and started to cry. I didn’t have any meetings for about an hour, so I had time to cry and pull myself together.

 

As I laid there crying, I remembered something Margaret had mentioned. Porchey. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to pursue a relationship with him, but I knew he would be there to comfort me if I asked. He had already told me over the phone how sorry he was, but I hadn’t gotten to see him since Philip and I broke up. I reached for the phone and called him.

 

“Hello?” He answered.

 

“Porchey,”

 

“Lilibet, are you alright?” He asked. “You sound like you’ve been crying.”

 

“I am crying.” I told him. “And no, I’m really not alright. It’s been hard.”

 

“I’m sorry to hear that. I can’t even imagine how hard this separation must be on you. Is there anything I can do to help?”

 

“Would it be possible for me to come over tonight?” I asked. “I desperately need to get Philip off my mind.”

 

“Of course. What time?”

 

“Seven?”

 

“That sounds fine. I’ll see you then.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“You’re welcome.” He replied. “You know I’ll always be here for you no matter what.”

 

“I know. I’ll see you tonight.”

 

_First, you think the worst is a broken heart_

_What’s gonna kill you is the second part_

_And the third is when your world splits down the middle_

 

That night, I drove over to Porchey’s. His wife was out of town, visiting family back in America. We sat down on the couch at his flat. It was fairly small, but it was very nice and had a lovely view of a pond, as well as the city beyond it. I stared out the window blankly, trying to focus on the beautiful view and not Philip. But I couldn’t.

 

“Lilibet,” Porchey snapped me out of my thoughts. “Would you like something to drink?”

 

“Yes.” I nodded. “Thank you.”

 

Porchey got up and went over to the kitchen. He returned a moment later with two glasses of wine.

 

“How are you holding up?” He asked me.

 

“Not well.” I took a sip and set my glass down.

 

“I’m sorry.” He put his arm around me and I leaned my head on his shoulder and started crying.

 

“I thought that it would get better as the days passed.” I sobbed. “I was absolutely heartbroken, but I thought time would put me back together. But it hasn’t. It’s only gotten worse. Everytime I see him, I break a little more. It’s absolutely killing me inside. I can’t even describe how bad this hurts. I love him so much. And now he’s gone. We’re over. I still don’t even know how to deal with it. It’s like my entire world has just shattered. And I have no idea how to even start putting it back together.”

 

“Shh.” Porchey held me tighter and I buried my face in his chest. He planted a kiss in my hair. “You’ll be alright. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but you will. You’re a strong woman. You’ll get through this.”

 

“Are you sure?” I asked, lifting my head.

 

“I’m sure.”

 

He wiped my tears and gave me a small smile. I tried to return it. He stared down at me for a second, seeming to be thinking about something. Then suddenly, he leaned down and kissed me. I kissed back, and we both held on for a moment. When we pulled apart, we were both smiling. And suddenly, all my thoughts of Philip were gone. I kissed him again. We made out for a few minutes, but we didn’t go any further. We pulled apart and I cuddled up to him.

 

“Lilibet, I love you.” He said softly.

 

“Porchey, I,” I thought about it for a moment, then took a deep breath. “I love you too.”

 

_And fourth, you’re gonna think that you fixed yourself_

_Fifth, you see them out with someone else_

_And the sixth is when you admit you may have fucked up a little_

 

Over the next couple of weeks, Porchey and I started a relationship. I was happier than I had been in months. I was starting to think I had gotten over Philip.

 

I was honestly starting to wish I had married Porchey to begin with. Because, as it was, he could never truly be mine. I could never divorce Philip, and even if I could, Porchey was married. And even if he divorced his wife, we still wouldn’t be able to get married because we would both be divorced persons with living spouses. But I always shook the regret away. After all, there was nothing I could do about it now. And besides, I had decided that I would rather have Porchey as an illicit lover than not have him at all.

 

I had spent several evenings in the past two weeks with Porchey. They all went about the same way. I went over to his place, we ate dinner and talked, then moved to his couch or bed and cuddled. Two nights, we had even made love. Eventually, we would kiss goodnight and I would go home and crawl happily into my own bed. Until the second night we had made love.

 

It was three weeks to the day after Philip and I had broken up. It started off normal, and it stayed normal until I got home. I had been happy that night, until I walked passed Philip’s room.

 

As I approached, I thought I heard giggling. It was a woman. I crept to the door and looked inside. He was making out with a young blonde woman I didn’t recognize. He was turned away from me, and she didn’t seem to notice me looking in.

 

Suddenly, his lips moved to her neck and one hand went up her skirt. She moaned in pleasure. When they started undressing each other, I had to leave. I went to my room, collapsed on my bed, and cried.

 

All the progress I had made in moving on from Philip had disappeared in an instant. Jealousy rose up inside me. I thought I was over him, but I was wrong. I still loved Philip. Far more than I would ever love Porchey or anyone else. And I desperately wished I was the one he was making love to.

 

I wished I could go back in time and stopped Philip from walking out after our fight. I should’ve told him to sit down. Insisted that we could talk things out.

 

Of course, I knew that was foolish. Our problems ran far too deep for that. We had fucked up our marriage long before that fight. I shouldn’t have been so distant and cold with him. I should’ve confronted him about his cheating instead of turning a blind eye. I should’ve made an effort to spend more time with him. Sure, our downfall was mostly his fault, but I had played my part in it too.

 

As I laid there, I wondered how things might have turned out if, at some point, I had let him know how much I loved him.

 

_Oh no, there ain’t no help, it’s every man for himself_

_No no, there ain’t no help, it’s every man for himself_

 

I went through the next day depressed and distracted. I went over to Clarence House for lunch, and though I insisted I was fine, I could tell Mummy and Margaret knew I was lying.

 

That night, I went to Porchey’s flat even though I really didn’t want to. My feelings for him had suddenly become much more muddled. I tried not to act cold, but I couldn’t help it.  

 

“Good evening, Lilibet.” Porchey greeted me as he opened the door.

 

“Good evening.” I replied quietly. I walked over to his couch silently. He sat down next to me.

 

“Is something wrong?” He asked, putting his arm around me. I sighed. There was no point in lying to him.

 

“Last night, I saw Philip with another woman.” I explained. “It hurt like hell. I thought I was finally getting over him, but now I realize that I still love him. And now I wish I had never let him leave me.”

 

“But he doesn’t love you.” Porchey reminded me. “Staying with him would just cause you more pain.”

 

“I’d rather have him hurt me than not have him at all.”

 

“Why would you want to be with him?” Porchey was clearly hurt. “He yells at you. He cheats on you. He doesn’t give a shit about you.”

 

“You’re one to talk.” I spat. “You’ve spent the past two weeks cheating on your own wife, so you tell me who really doesn’t give a shit.”

 

“Elizabeth, I’ve been in love with you as long as I’ve known you. And I’ve spent the past thirteen years desperately wishing you loved me back. And it hurt me like hell to watch the woman I loved getting hurt by the man who was supposed to love her. When you told me you and Philip broke up, naturally I jumped at the chance to step in and be there for you in the way he always should’ve. So I’m sorry if I cheated on my wife, but I did it because I love you.”

 

I suddenly felt horrible. He really did love me. It wasn’t his fault that I was still in love with Philip.

 

“I’m sorry.” I told him, starting to cry. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, I’m just confused and upset and-,”

 

“It’s okay, Lilibet.” Porchey took my hand.

 

“It’s not okay.” I sobbed. “None of this is your fault. I’m taking out my emotions on you and-,”

 

Porchey cut me off again, this time with a kiss.

 

“I love you.” He told me when we pulled away.

 

“I,” I started to say it back, but stopped myself. I didn’t want to say it back if I wasn’t sure I meant it. Leading him on would only hurt him more. And that was the last thing I wanted. “I should get going.” I told him instead. He lead me to the door in silence.

 

“Goodnight, Lilibet.” He told me. He leaned down to give me a kiss on the cheek.

 

“Goodnight, Porchey.” I forced a smile.

 

I left, still in tears. I didn’t want to rely on Porchey to help me get over Philip. Getting attached to him would only make my emotions more confusing. And in the end, it would only end in both of us getting hurt more. I had a problem I needed to sort out for myself.

 

And yet, I knew I wouldn’t leave Porchey. I needed someone there for me. I couldn’t handle everything on my own. I couldn’t stand being on my own. I needed Porchey even though I didn’t love him, because the one I loved didn’t need me.

 

**Philip’s POV:**

_You tell your friends, yeah, strangers too_

_Anyone who’ll throw an arm around you_

_Tarot cards, gems and stones_

_Believing all that shit’s gonna heal your soul_

_Well it’s not, no_

 

A month had passed since Elizabeth and I separated. I had thought I would be okay. That my life would be better without her in it. After all, it’s not like our relationship was healthy. The last fight we had ended with us literally almost killing each other.

 

But my life wasn’t better off. I wasn’t happier. I was miserable. My life felt empty without her in it. And everytime I saw her, my heart broke a little more.

 

I spent most of my time out partying. Most evenings, I got drunk and slept with some woman I didn’t know. I went to a lot of parties thrown by the Thursday Club.

 

If Elizabeth thought my whining was bad before, she should’ve seen me after the breakup. I whined to everyone I knew about how sad I was, and if I got drunk enough, even some I didn’t. They put an arm around me and bought me drinks, but I knew none of them really cared about my problems.

 

I had tried everything to mend my broken heart. I had even let a friend from the Thursday Club take me to his psychic. She used tarot cards and read my fortune. She insisted I would be better in a few weeks, maybe even have found someone else. But she was wrong. I was far worse. And I had found lots of women, but I didn’t love them. There was only lust between us.

 

The only thing that would cure my broken heart was Elizabeth. And I knew that could never happen. Nor should it. We just weren’t right for each other. And in the end, being together would just cause us more hurt than being apart.

 

_You’re only doing things out of desperation_

_You’re going through six degrees of separation_

 

I regretted everything I had done in the past few years. I really loved Elizabeth. If only I’d acted like it. If only I had been able to put aside my pride and my ego. If only I could’ve supported her instead of turning my back on her. Pulled her closer instead of pushing her away. But I hadn’t.

 

I left the palace and headed to the pub. To drown my miseries in alcohol and maybe another woman. I did both. But they only temporarily drowned my miseries. It was only a matter of time before they faded away and my miseries drowned me again.

 

If only drinking actually made the pain better. If only being with other women could fill the hole Elizabeth had left. But they couldn’t. Nothing could fill that hole. And nothing could ease the pain.

 

The only thing that would ever help was Elizabeth. And Elizabeth was the one thing I could never have again.

 

_First, you think the worst is a broken heart_

_What’s gonna kill you is the second part_

_And the third, is when your world splits down the middle_

 

I woke up in a strange bed in a room I didn’t recognize, next to a woman I only vaguely remembered meeting. She was still sleeping. I decided I would avoid the awkwardness of having a conversation with her and just sneak out before she woke up.

 

My head throbbed as I drove back to the palace, but I hardly noticed. The hangover would pass, it always did. The real pain came from my broken heart. I was starting to think it would never heal.

 

I flashed back to the day Elizabeth and I broke up. My heart had completely shattered when I walked out that door. Leaving her was the hardest thing I’d ever done. But I thought it was for the best. I thought that by now I’d feel better. That I would be over her. That my broken heart would be healing. But it was only getting worse. As I got out of the car, I silently prayed that it would get better.

 

_And fourth, you’re gonna think that you fixed yourself_

_Fifth, you see them out with someone else_

_And the sixth is when you admit you may have fucked up a little_

 

Another two weeks passed. Elizabeth had gone to Sandringham to get away from everything. I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel about not seeing her everyday, but it was actually helping me feel better. I didn’t have to see her face everyday and be reminded of all the mistakes I made. I didn’t have to be reminded that she wasn’t mine anymore. She would be returning next week. I wasn’t looking forward to her return, but I was hoping I would have healed enough by then that seeing her again wouldn’t immediately open all the wounds.

 

I didn’t feel the need to go out and get drunk constantly. I had gone out with friends a couple of times, but I wasn’t drinking to forget anything. I was just drinking to have fun with friends. I wasn’t gone all night when I did go out and I hadn’t hooked up with any random women.  I had even started thinking about looking for a new relationship, a real one, once I felt I was ready for it.

 

I was fine when Elizabeth first returned. I saw her once on the first day, but we didn’t interact. I noticed she didn’t look quite as happy as I expected her to, but I didn’t feel too bad. I had healed enough that her presence no longer made me miserable. I was just neutral, and I wanted to stay that way.

 

But the second day, all the progress I had made vanished and all the wounds I thought had healed reopened. I had been walking back to my room from eating dinner, when I heard a voice coming from Elizabeth’s room. A very familiar voice. Then I heard Elizabeth giggle.

 

I slyly peered inside the door. Elizabeth and Porchey sat on her bed.

 

“I love you.” He told her. I felt my heart break again.

 

“I love you too.” She replied. He leaned forward and kissed her.

 

I turned around and went to my own bedroom. I shut the door and sank to the floor, crying.

 

I regretted every decision I had made since Elizabeth became queen. Sure, she had made her own mistakes, but at the end of the day, most of the blame for the downfall of our marriage fell on me. I had hurt her more than she had ever hurt me. I had lied to her, cheated on her, abandoned her, and then tried to make her feel like it was her fault. I picked fights constantly over stupid things she had no control over. Afterall, I was the one who started that last fight. And I was the one who hit her first.

 

But it was too late to do anything about it now. She was in the comforting, loving arms of another man. A man who would treat her far better than I ever could.

 

**Elizabeth’s POV:**

_No there’s no starting over_

_Without finding closure_

_You’d take them back, no hesitation_

_That’s when you know you’ve reached the sixth degree of separation_

 

I had gone to Sandringham for a few weeks to get away from everything. To think. I didn’t feel much different when I got back.

 

Porchey was eager to see me again. I felt guilty when I saw him. I didn’t really love him, but I was leading him on anyway. I tried not to act distant to him. I hoped I could put on enough of a facade to hide how upset I was.

 

He came to the Palace that day, because his wife was back in town. We sat on my bed and talked for awhile. It was remarkable that no matter how upset I really was, Porchey could always make me smile.

 

“I love you.” He told me. Inwardly, my smile faded, but it stayed on my face.

 

“I love you too.” I told him, less sure I meant it every time I said it.

 

We talked for a few hours, then he headed home. I sat on my bed and thought. I just wasn’t in love with Porchey the way he thought I was. I wasn’t ready to move on from Philip. I was starting to think I never would be.

 

I laid back and wondered what I should do. I wondered what would happen if Philip walked in the door right now, telling me he wanted to get back together. That he wanted to try and work things out. What would I do?

 

That was a stupid question. I already knew what I would do. I would tell him I felt the same way. Then I would run into his arms and kiss him. And I’d never let go again.

 

**Philip’s POV:**

_Oh, no there’s no starting over_

_Without finding closure_

_You’d take them back no hesitation_

_That’s when you know you’ve reached the sixth degree of separation_

 

I had finally started to think I was getting over Elizabeth. That maybe I would be able to eventually move on and start over with someone new. But seeing her with Porchey made me realize that wasn’t true. I still loved her. And I always would.

 

I wanted to walk into her room right now and tell her how I felt. But I couldn’t do that. Our marriage was ruined. I had hurt her, both mentally and physically. There was no way she could ever forgive me for what I had done to her and I didn’t blame her.

 

I knew it would never happen, but part of me still hoped she would walk in my room tomorrow and tell me she wanted to get back together. That she wanted to try and work things out.

 

On the other hand, I was scared. What if we got back together, but our marriage was just as toxic as before? What if we just started fighting again? What if I hurt her even more? I couldn’t imagine us getting in another fight where we tried to kill each other again, but I never could have imagined it would happen before either. Deep down, I wanted to get back together. But deep down, I also knew getting back together would end in more hurt.

 

I got up off the floor and pushed my thoughts away. It didn’t matter what would happen if we got back together, or even if I wanted to. It was never going to happen. She was happy without me, and I had to figure out how to be happy without her.

 

**Elizabeth’s POV:**

_First, you think the worst is the broken heart_

_What’s gonna kill you is the second part_

_And the third is when your world splits down the middle_

 

I started to cry. I couldn’t take this anymore. I needed Philip. I loved him and nothing was ever going to change that. I used to think that I could move on and start over with Porchey. That I could get over Philip. But now I knew that wasn’t true.

 

I desperately wanted Philip to walk in and hold me in his arms. I needed him here to comfort me. To love me.

 

I knew he probably didn’t love me anymore, but I had to do something. I got up and, against my better judgment, went to Philip’s room. I knocked on the door nervously. I was still crying, but I didn’t care. I had to talk to Philip.

 

“Who is it?” He called, sounding upset.

 

“It’s me.” I replied. “Elizabeth.”

 

I heard footsteps, and a moment later the door opened.

 

“Lilibet, you’re crying.” He pulled me in his arms and closed the door behind me. “What’s wrong?”

 

I buried my face in his chest.

 

“I thought that I could get over you. That I would be able to let you go and start over. But I can’t.” I sobbed. “I used to think that I was broken and it was your fault. But now, I’m completely shattered, and I’ve realized that you were the one holding me together.”

 

“But I didn’t hold you together. I hurt you.”

 

“I hurt you too. We both played a part in ruining our relationship. But I was hoping that you might be willing to try and fix it.”

 

For a few moments, he said nothing. Just held me while I sobbed into his chest. My heart sank while he stood there silently. But then, he spoke.

 

“Lilibet, I love you.” He told me. I pulled away from him in surprise.

 

“You do?”

 

“Yes. And I will always be willing to try and fix our marriage.”

 

For the first time I noticed he was crying too. But I didn’t say anything. He pulled me back into his arms, and for awhile, he just held me there. And we both cried together, saying nothing. Simply grateful to be back in each other’s arms.

 

**Philip’s POV:**

_And fourth, you’re gonna think that you fixed yourself_

_Fifth, you see them out with someone else_

_And the sixth is when you admit, you may have fucked up a little_

 

“Lilibet, come sit down with me.” I told Elizabeth, taking her hand and leading her to the bed. I put my arm around her and she leaned her head on my shoulder. She was still crying.

 

“So, what have you been doing these last few months?” She asked me through her tears.

 

“You know, I thought I would get over you, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I spent most of my nights getting drunk and sleeping with random women. Pretending I was happy, when I was miserable. But I never said anything, because I thought you were happy. When I saw you with Porchey tonight, it broke me, but I thought you were happy. I knew I had fucked our marriage up, that I had fucked you up, and that I didn’t deserve you. I figured he’d treat you better. That you’d be happier with him.”

 

“I thought eventually I would be too, but I was wrong.” She told me. “I thought I loved him, but I don’t. I love you.”

 

“Does he know that?”

 

“Not yet. I’m not looking forward to telling him, but I have to.”

 

“Elizabeth, do you really think we can work this out?” I asked, suddenly.

 

“I’m not sure, but I want to try.” She replied. “Do you think marriage counseling might help? I know that might not sound very appealing to you, but we have serious problems that we clearly don’t know how to handle by ourselves.”

 

“I don’t know if it will help, but I’m willing to try.” I replied.

 

“I’ll talk to Martin about looking into it.” She said. “That would normally be something I would talk to Michael about, but I just don’t feel comfortable talking to him about our marital problems. He’d just go run to Tommy.”

 

We sat in silence for a moment. But there was something I needed to tell her. I already had, but I needed to make sure she knew it.

 

“Lilibet, I love you.” I planted a kiss in her hair. She reached up and kissed me on the lips.

 

“I love you too.”

 

**Elizabeth’s POV:**

_No, no, there ain’t no help_

_It’s every man for himself_

_You’re going through six degrees of separation_

 

The next day, I went to see Porchey. At first I had thought about just calling him. I didn’t want to see his hurt in person. But I knew this was something I had to say face to face. Telling him over the phone would only hurt him more.

 

Since his wife was back in town, I told him to meet me at the stables.

 

“Lilibet,” Porchey greeted me as he stepped out of his car.

 

“Porchey, we need to talk.” I said sadly.

 

“About what?”

 

“Can we sit down?” I asked, not quite meeting his eyes.

 

“Of course.” He sounded concerned. I led him to the small office and sat down at the desk. He pulled up another chair and sat across from me. “Is something wrong?”

 

“Porchey, I’m so sorry.” I started. “I care about you, and I love you. But I don’t love you in the way you want me to. I still love Philip.”

 

“I’d be lying if I said I was horribly surprised.” He was trying to sound calm, but there I could see he was hurt. “Deep down I always knew that, but I had still held out hope that maybe you really did love me.”

 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you.” I started to cry.

 

“I know that. You were just trying to move on.” He told me. “I don’t hold that against you.”

 

“You don’t?”

 

“Of course not.” He replied. “Besides, you’d only hurt me more the longer you led me on. I’m glad you’re telling me now.”

 

“So you forgive me?” I was surprised he was taking this so well.

 

“Of course I do.” He gave me a small smile. “So, does Philip know you still love him?”

 

“Yes. I talked to him last night.” I told him. “He actually felt the same way.”

 

“So are you going to try to work things out?”

 

“Yes. We’re actually going to try marriage counseling.”

 

“Well, I hope you two can figure things out.” He smiled.

 

“I better get going.” I told him.

 

Porchey and I went back outside and he led me to my car.

 

“Lilibet, stop crying.” He said, wiping my tears. “You’re going to be alright.”

 

I nodded.

 

“Thank you.” I smiled.

 

"I hope you and Philip can work things out." 

 

"So do I."

 

**Philip’s POV:**

_No, no, there ain’t no help_

_It’s every man for himself_

_You’re going through six degrees of separation_

 

Elizabeth had gone to meet Porchey at the stables and tell him about everything. She said she’d be back by dinner.

 

As I waited for her, I found myself irrationally wondering if she might change her mind about me, and decide she wanted to be with him instead.

 

But she was back by dinner. She looked upset. I imagined that wasn’t an easy conversation for her to have. I stood up and crossed the room to hug her. She nestled into my arms, seeming exhausted.

 

“So how did it go?” I asked her.

 

“It went fine. He took it pretty well.”

 

“Good.” I planted a kiss in her hair.

 

“And I talked to Martin this morning.” She told me. “He said he’d look in to a marriage counselor.”

 

“This won’t be easy, but it’ll be worth it.” I held her a little tighter. “We need to work this out. I can’t live without you. I love you.”

 

“I love you too.” She replied. “And I don’t ever want to be apart from you again.”

 

“You won’t. I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any suggestions for songs you want me to do or characters/situations you'd like to see, please leave them in the comments! My next chapter will be the sequel to My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark! :)


	12. Crown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off Crown by Camilla Cabello and Grey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the sequel to My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark, so it's back in the AU where Elizabeth has powers. I hope you like it!

_ Been sitting on your tongue for ages _

_ Words slipping out your mouth, contagious  _

_ Uh-oh, uh-oh _

 

Porchey and I drove down the road as fast as we could. We were on our way to Highclere, Porchey’s family estate. We had to go somewhere Philip wouldn’t find me. He had never been to Highclere before, so I thought it was pretty safe to say he didn’t no where it was. We had packed as quickly as we could. Porchey had called someone to come get Jeanie’s body. No one could find out Philip had killed her. Not that we didn’t want him to be brought to justice, we did. But bringing that justice would also bring the end of the monarchy. 

 

I felt horrible. Porchey had only gotten a few minutes to grieve before we had to leave. I couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to have your wife suddenly murdered in front of you. Especially when she wasn’t even the one the murderer intended to kill. 

 

“I’m so sorry.” I told him. “It should’ve been me.” 

 

“It shouldn’t have been anyone.” 

 

We didn’t talk much the rest of the ride. I think we were both trying to process what had happened. Philip had gone there, most likely with the intent to kill me. I had known he wanted me dead. I should’ve known he would act on that desire eventually. It tore me up inside that he wanted to kill me. I really couldn’t understand why. But yet he did. And I had a feeling his desire wouldn’t go away until he had fulfilled it. 

 

_ No skin off your back to blame us _

_ Now waiting on the world to save us  _

_ Uh-oh, uh-oh _

 

It was past midnight by the time we got to Highclere. His father, who lived there, was likely in bed asleep. We would explain everything to him in the morning. 

 

Porchey led me upstairs to his bedroom. There was a guest room right across the hall from it, where I would sleep.

 

“Goodnight, Porchey.” I told him.

 

“Goodnight.”

 

I changed into my nightgown and crawled into the bed. But I couldn’t fall asleep. I was scared and anxious. I couldn’t sleep alone. I was too upset.

 

I walked across the hall to Porchey’s room. I opened the door and looked inside. He was in bed, but he wasn’t sleeping.

 

“Lilibet?” 

 

“I can’t sleep.” I told him. 

 

“Me either.” He replied. “Come here.” 

 

I crawled into bed next to him and he took me in his arms. I started to cry. I felt a few raindrops fall down on me. He started crying too. 

 

We were both terrified. I thought about Philip. He would try to kill me again. Could he find me here? I hoped not. But I was a sitting duck. All I could do was hole up here and hope he didn’t know where I was. 

 

_ Baby on fire _

_ I see you when I close my eyes _

_ I think it’s time _

_ A kingdom that is mine _

 

A few days had passed. I had spent a lot of time with Porchey. We were both scared and upset. Porchey was on the phone in his room, making funeral arrangements for Jeanie. 

 

I was wandering through the fields outside the castle. I needed to get away. It had been a long time since I’d been able to take a long walk like this and just think. 

 

I had tried to take my mind off Philip, but he was all I could think about. He was still out there. And he was going to try and kill me again. 

 

I sat down on the side of a hill and closed my eyes. I could picture him in my mind. It was a scary image. He looked normal enough, but I could see the darkness underneath. The hatred and anger in his eyes. In my mind, I set his picture ablaze. 

 

As I watched Philip burn, I felt heat rise up around me. I thought I was imagining it, but when I felt a spark hit me, I knew it was real. I opened my eyes and saw the fields in flames around me. I gasped and sat up. I focused my powers and put the flames out. I laid back down on the hillside, breathing a sigh of relief. 

 

I knew Philip was still out there waiting. Trying to hunt me down. Determined to finish what he had set out to do. 

 

But I knew I could fight him. I just couldn’t let him catch me unprepared. 

 

_ Oh me, oh my _

_ That way you move is serpentine _

_ Think it’s time  _

 

I started walking again. I was trying to relax, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t get Philip from my mind. 

 

A stick snapped, and I jumped. But I quickly realized I had stepped on it. I breathed a sigh of relief and kept walking. But my anxiety returned when I realized that Philip would be stalking me much too carefully to make his presence known to me by stepping on a stick.

 

I kept my eyes peeled carefully as I kept walking. Suddenly, I heard the grass rustle. I saw movement. There was a ripple in the grass heading my direction. Logically, I knew it couldn’t be Philip. I would be able to see him walking from that direction. But that didn’t stop me from panicking. 

 

Soon enough, though, I saw a snake slithering in front of me. I calmed down, glad I hadn’t set it on fire or anything. 

 

As I started walking again, I wondered if that was a sign. That Philip was coming for me. That he was going to sneak up on me. He was somewhere, stalking me like a snake, waiting for his moment to strike.

 

But I wouldn’t let him. And if he came for me, he would be the one that would end up dead.

 

_ I’m running for the crown _

_ Running for the crown _

_ So heavy on, heavy on my bones _

_ When I’m sitting on, I’m sitting on my throne  _

 

I decided to practice with my powers. I wasn’t sure I really needed to, but I was taking no chances. This wasn’t a fight I could go into unprepared. 

 

I set the grass on either side of me ablaze as I walked. Then I conjured up a storm, complete with thunder and lightning. I kept the rain from putting out the fire. I focused my eyes on a tree directly in front of me. Then I focused my powers on it. I narrowed my eyes as I tried to push it over. It took a lot of energy to use all my powers like this, but I was determined to do it. I could see the tree weakening. I pushed harder. Suddenly, it snapped and toppled, leaving only a stump behind it. 

 

I walked toward the tree and sat down on the stump like it was a throne. I looked out at the fire and the storm and smirked. I was the queen. And if Philip hadn’t figured that out by now, he certainly would when he met me again. 

 

_ I’m running for the crown _

_ Running for the crown  _

_ Now _

_ I’m running for the  _

 

Suddenly, I saw Porchey running towards me.

 

“Lilibet, what the hell are you doing?” He asked. 

 

“I’m practicing.” 

 

“For what?” 

 

“For when I meet Philip again.” I explained. “I have to be prepared.”

 

“I understand that you’re worried, but you can’t destroy my father’s property.” 

 

“How else am I supposed to prepare?”

 

“Considering the fact that you just set a field on fire, conjured up a thunderstorm, and knocked over a bloody tree, I don’t really think you need to prepare.” He smiled. “Now knock all this off and come inside.” 

 

“Fine.” I put out the fire and blew away the storm. I suddenly realized how exhausted I was. Now I was eager to get back inside and rest.

 

Porchey took my hand and led me back to the house.When we got back, I went up to my room to take a nap. Porchey laid down beside me. 

 

As I tried to fall asleep, I imagined what would happen if Philip found me here. I knew I could beat him if I got to fight him. But what if I didn’t get that chance? What if he ambushed me and shot me like he had Jeanie? I couldn’t let that happen. 

 

Philip and I had to meet again eventually. But I knew I couldn’t let him find me. I would have to find him. And when I did, he would regret ever even thinking he could kill me.

 

_ I’m running for the crown  _

_ Running for the crown  _

_ Now _

_ I’m running for the  _

 

After dinner that night, I went up to Porchey’s room with him. I sat down next to him on the bed. 

 

“Porchey, we need to talk.” I told him.

 

“About what?”

 

“I have to leave. I have to get out of here.” 

 

“Why? Do you think Philip has found you?” He asked, a look of concern crossing his face. 

 

“No. I want to find him.” I explained.

 

“Why?”

 

“I’m going to kill him.” 

 

“Lilibet,” Porchey seemed at a loss for words.

 

“I’m never going to be safe until he’s dead.” 

 

“I thought you loved him.” 

 

“I do.” I sighed. “Killing him is going to hurt like hell, but it’s my only choice. Besides, I would think you of all people would want him dead.”

 

“I would love to see him brought to justice for Jeanie’s death. But I also know that can’t happen. Killing him won’t bring her back.” 

 

“But it will bring peace.” I insisted.

 

“It will bring you security, but it won’t bring you peace.” He argued. “It will only make your inner turmoil worse. You love him. Killing him will kill you.”

 

“Don’t you get it?” I started to raise my voice. “I don’t care how much killing Philip is going to hurt me. I have to do it.”

 

“Lilibet, you don’t have to kill him.” He took my hand, but I yanked it away. I got up and walked toward the door, but he grabbed my arm and turned me around. “At least think about it.” He insisted.

 

“I have.”

 

“Think about it some more.” He took my hand and led me back to bed. 

 

I sat back down and cuddled up to Porchey. And I did think about it. I thought about it for quite awhile. But my mind didn’t change. I had to kill Philip.

 

_ Too heavy on my eyes to wake up _

_ Too heavy on your mind to face it _

_ I-I-I-I _

 

That night, I fell asleep in Porchey’s bed. I hadn’t been sleeping well lately, but that night, I fell into a deep sleep. I dreamed so vividly it felt like I wasn’t really asleep. It was almost more like a vision than a dream. 

 

I was standing across from Philip in an unfamiliar room. There was a mix of emotions in his eyes. Anger, guilt, fear. He held a gun in his hand. He looked down at it, then looked at me. He was visibly nervous. I knew what he was about to do. 

 

He lifted the gun and pointed it at me, but I knocked it out of his hand. It slid across the floor. 

 

“You really think you can kill me?” I sneered.

 

“I will kill you.” He spat indignantly. “I have to.” 

 

“You just can’t face the truth.” I retorted. “You never could.”

 

“What truth?”

 

“That you can’t kill me.” I smirked. “That I’m far too powerful for a mere mortal like you to take on.”

 

_ Too high, got your body burning _

_ Head’s spinning, all the tables turning  _

_ Uh-oh, uh-oh _

 

He didn’t respond. I didn’t give him the chance. Instead, I lit him on fire. He screamed, but I didn’t put it out. Instead, I lifted his body in the air and threw it across the room. He hit the wall and sunk to the floor. He groaned in pain.

 

I walked across the room toward him, with a smirk. I finally let a gush of water fall on him. This wasn’t quite how I wanted to kill him. It was only a start. 

 

“The tables certainly have turned, haven’t they?” I taunted. “A few days ago, you were hunting me, convinced you were going to kill me. But the hunted has become the hunter. And I’m going to be the one to kill you.” 

 

_ Baby on fire _

_ I see you when I close my eyes _

_ Think it’s time _

 

I woke up before I could finish him off. I was shaken by my dream. I looked at the clock. It was only three in the morning. Porchey was fast asleep, but I was too scared to be awake alone. 

 

“Porchey,” I whispered, shaking him awake.

 

“What’s going on?” He replied, startled.

 

“Nothing. I just had a bad dream.”

 

“About Philip?” He asked, wrapping his arms around me. I nodded and cuddled up against him. 

 

“I met him in a strange room.” I explained. “He had a gun but I knocked it out of his hand. Then I set him on fire.”

 

“Oh god. Did you kill him?”

 

“No. I woke up before that.” 

 

“Do you still want to kill him?” He asked me.

 

“I have to. Or he’s going to kill me.” I insisted. “He’s all I think about. All I see when I close my eyes is him staring me down. I can’t handle this anymore. I can’t wait anymore. I have to kill him now.” 

 

_ ‘Cause I’m running for the, uh _

_ I’m running for the, uh _

_ I’m running for the, uh _

_ Uh-uh-uh _

 

It took some convincing, but Porchey finally agreed to let me go find Philip. He came with me, though. There was no convincing him to let me go alone.

 

We left the next morning. We drove back to London. We had no idea where Philip was, but everyone we could think of that might know was there.

 

We started at the Palace. There was no way in hell he was dumb enough to be there, but members of his staff likely were. He couldn’t take them all to wherever he was hiding out. Some of them likely knew where he was. And they couldn’t tell me no if I asked. I was their queen. 

 

First, I went to his equerry’s office. I wasn’t sure he would be there, but he was.

 

“Your Majesty.” He stood up when I entered the room. “May I help you?”

 

“Yes, actually, I believe you can.” I replied. “My husband is hiding out somewhere. I presume that you know where he is.”

 

“I do.” He admitted nervously.

 

“Where is he?” 

 

“He’s staying with his uncle, Lord Mountbatten.” 

 

“Thank you.” I smiled and left.

 

I was a little surprised at first that Uncle Dickie had agreed to hide Philip, but the more I thought about it, I wasn’t. That actually sounded exactly like something he would do. And Philip would go there because I wouldn’t guess it. I had assumed he was staying with some friend from the Thursday Club or a distant cousin. Plotting his attack somewhere I wouldn’t easily find. But as it turned out, he was hiding in plain sight in a way. It was exactly something Philip would do. 

 

Regardless, I knew where he was now. And I was coming for him. 

 

_ ‘Cause I’m running for the, uh _

_ I’m running for the, uh _

_ I’m running for the- _

_ Uh-uh-uh _

 

We rode out to Uncle Dickie’s as fast as we could. Broadlands was a little out of the way, and I wanted to get there as soon as possible. Porchey insisted on driving, saying I was too emotional about everything to drive safely. He was probably right. 

 

No one was outside when we got there. I figured they were inside, trying to stay hidden. I smirked as I got out of the car. Philip had no idea what was about to hit him.

 

_ I’m running for the crown _

_ Running for the crown _

_ So heavy on my, heavy on my bones _

_ When I’m sitting on, I’m sitting on my throne  _

 

I knocked on the door. Porchey stood behind me. He wanted to protect me, even though we both knew I didn’t need him to. 

 

Uncle Dickie answered. He gave me a nervous smile.

 

“Elizabeth.” He greeted me. “What brings you here?”

 

“Is my husband here?” I asked.

 

“Yes.” He admitted.

 

“May I see him?” 

 

“Of course.” He sighed. He knew why I was here. “Right this way.” He led us inside.

 

“You should stay here.” I told Porchey in the sitting room. He hesitated, but nodded and sat down in a chair. 

 

Uncle Dickie led me to a bedroom at the end of a hallway. 

 

“Could you go sit with Porchey?” I requested before I opened the door. “I would like to speak to Philip alone.” 

 

“Of course.” He looked uncertain, but he went back downstairs. I went inside the bedroom.

 

I gasped. It was the same room from my dream. Philip was sitting on the bed, but got up when he saw me. 

 

“What the hell are you doing here?” He asked.

 

“You already know.” I replied.

 

Philip walked over to the nightstand and picked up a gun. The gun from the dream. He started to approach me, but stopped a few feet away, with the same look of anger, fear, and guilt I had seen the night before. I was terrified. Had I really seen the future last night? Had that really been a vision instead of a dream?

 

Philip lifted the gun and pointed it at me. Without even thinking about it, I did the same thing I had done in the dream. I knocked it out of his hand and it slid across the floor. 

 

“You really think you can kill me?” I sneered.

 

“I will kill you.” He spat indignantly. “I have to.” 

 

“You just can’t face the truth.” I retorted. “You never could.”

 

“What truth?”

 

“That you can’t kill me.” I smirked. “That I’m far too powerful for a mere mortal like you to take on.” 

 

He didn’t respond. Just like in the dream, I didn’t give him the chance to. Instead, I lit him on fire. He screamed, but I didn’t put it out. Instead, I lifted his body in the air and threw it across the room. He hit the wall and sunk to the floor. He groaned in pain.

 

I walked across the room toward him, with a smirk. I finally let a gush of water fall on him. 

 

“The tables certainly have turned, haven’t they?” I taunted. “A few days ago, you were hunting me, convinced you were going to kill me. But the hunted has become the hunter. And I’m going to be the one to kill you.” 

 

This had been where the dream ended. But this was real now. And I had to make a decision. Was I really going to kill him? Could I really bring myself to do it? Suddenly, I wasn’t sure I could. I loved him. What would I do without him? 

 

I sighed and shook the thought away. I hadn’t come this far to back out now. I focused my eyes on him, then closed them. I snapped his neck. 

 

_ I’m running for the crown _

_ Running for the crown _

_ Now _

_ I’m running for the _

 

I opened my eyes. It was over. Philip was really dead. He sat, slumped on the floor, his neck broken. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I had to stay strong. I walked out of the room and downstairs. 

 

“Elizabeth, what happened?” Uncle Dickie asked me. “I thought I heard something up there.”

 

“He’s dead.” I answered. 

 

“Did you really kill him?” He gasped. 

 

“Don’t act so surprised.” I replied coldly. “You knew what I was going to do when you let me in that room. And as far as the public knows, someone broke into your house and killed him. No one can ever know the truth. And if you tell so much as one person, I can kill you just as easily as I killed him. Are we clear?”

 

“Perfectly.”

 

“Come on Porchey.” I called over to him. “Let’s go.” 

 

We left Uncle Dickie’s house and got in his car. We headed back to the palace. My safety had come at a high cost, but I finally had it. My crown was secure. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was dark, but I hope you liked it anyway. I really enjoy writing chapters like this. If you have any suggestions for songs you want me to do or characters/situations you'd like to see, leave them in the comments! Thanks! :)


	13. Million Dollar Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off Million Dollar Man by Lana Del Rey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S/O to ElasticMonk for the plot suggestion. I hope you like it! :)

_ You said I was the most exotic flower _

_ Holding me tight in our final hour _

 

“Congratulations, Philip.” I told him excitedly. “I knew you could do it.”

 

“Thank you, Lilibet.” He gave me a hug. 

 

He had won his polo tournament. I was so proud of him. I knew how much this meant to him. I had run up to him as soon as I could after the tournament. I reached up and gave him a kiss.

 

“So, I was thinking that we should go up to Balmoral for the weekend to celebrate.” I told him.

 

“I would love that.” He kissed me. 

 

We went back to the palace to pack, then boarded the train to Balmoral, both of us happy little lovebirds the whole time. 

 

When we arrived at Balmoral, he took my hand and led me up to our bedroom. 

 

“I love you.” He told me.

 

“I love you too.”

 

He kissed me again, and it quickly grew deeper and more passionate. Soon, we were undressing each other and he was pushing me on the bed and crawling on top of me. 

 

We made love. It was incredible. There hadn’t been this much passion between us in a long time. 

 

When we finished, he rolled off me and took me in his arms.

 

“Lilibet, did you know that you’re the most beautiful woman in the world?” He planted a kiss in my hair. I blushed. “It’s true. You’re like a beautiful, exotic flower. There’s no one else who compares to you.”

 

“I love you.” I told him. 

 

“I love you too. More than you could ever know.”

 

_ I don’t know how you convince them and get them, boy _

_ I don’t know what you do, it’s unbelievable  _

 

I laid there in Philip’s arms, thinking. I was somewhat surprised that we were here together, acting like a loving couple again. Just a few days ago, we had gotten into a huge fight. He had said a lot of things to me that were seriously out of line. He had really hurt me, for the millionth time. He was good at breaking my heart. 

 

But I had forgiven him. I always did. He had a hold on me. I could never stay mad at him. He had a certain charm that was inescapable. I don’t know how he convinced me to forgive him every time, no matter what, but he did. He had me trapped. I loved him more than anything. And I would never dream of leaving him. 

 

I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. I focused on the fact that we were happy now. He was acting like he loved me as much as I loved him. I prayed it would last. 

 

_ And I don’t know how you get over, get over _

_ Someone as dangerous, tainted, and flawed as you  _

 

The next morning, I was woken up with a kiss. 

 

“Good morning, Lilibet.” Philip whispered.

 

“Good morning.” I smiled. 

 

“You’re so fucking beautiful.” He told me, giving me another kiss. I blushed. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too.” 

 

Our lips met again, and this time we didn’t let go. His hands roamed my body as we made out. We made love again. It was incredible. It had been a long time since we had woken up and had sex immediately. 

 

When we were done, we laid around for a bit before getting dressed and having breakfast. 

 

“So, what do you want to do today?” He asked me while we ate. 

 

“I don’t know.” I replied. “I was hoping we could just relax. However, it’ll have to wait a bit. I still have to go through my red box today.”

 

“You can’t just take a day off?” He sounded annoyed.

 

“No. As much as I wish I could, I can’t just take a break from being the queen.” 

 

“Can’t you skip it just for today?” 

 

“No. I’m not going to fall a day behind for no reason.” 

 

“So spending time with me is no reason?” He raised his voice slightly, then shook his head. He gave a small laugh. “Of course it is. I’m never your first priority. I’ve never been important to you. It’s all about your duty. God forbid you set that aside for one bloody day to spend time with your husband.”

 

“Philip, as much as I would love to spend the whole day with you, I can’t.” I told him, a little hurt. “But it won’t take that long. We’ll still have most of the day together.” 

 

“Bullshit. This is your excuse to get away from me.” I sighed. Why was he acting so childish about this? 

 

“It is not. You know I want to spend as much time with you as possible. I love you.”

 

“No you don’t.” He spat back. “You can’t love me. You can’t love anyone. You’re a cold, heartless bitch. You hate me. But that’s fine. Because I hate you too.”

 

He got up and stormed out of the room. I sat there stunned. Not even an hour ago we were laying happily in bed, completely in love. Now he was picking fights and telling me he hated me. 

 

I tried not to cry. Not for the first time, I wondered why I still stayed with him. He pretended to love me, but then turned around and treated me like shit. He was terrible for me. But he had me trapped in a dangerous web. A web he knew in his twisted mind I would never be able to escape. Because I didn’t know how I could go on without him. He was deeply flawed, but somehow that was what made me love him more. I could never get over him or move on from him. So I would never leave him. 

 

_ One for the money, two for the show _

_ I love you, honey; I’m ready, I’m ready to go  _

 

I went up to my office to look through my red box, but it was hard to focus on its contents. I couldn’t stop thinking about Philip. 

 

Why had he suddenly got so mad at me? Was it really just because I had to do some work? Or was there something else bothering him? It was always impossible to tell with him. 

 

Sometimes, I felt like our marriage was just for show. That he didn’t really love me, he just stayed married to me because he had to. Would he divorce me if he could? Maybe, but maybe not. Perhaps he liked the luxury and prestige of being married to the queen too much to give it up. Sometimes, I got a suspicion that the only reason he had married me at all was because he knew I would be the queen someday. 

 

But I still loved him, even if he didn’t really love me. And I knew I would never stop loving him. 

 

A couple hours later, Philip came up to my office. 

 

“Philip, what are you doing up here?” I asked him, trying to act distant. 

 

“Lilibet,” he walked over to me and put his hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry about earlier. I know you have to work and it’s out of your control. I really do love you. And I’m sorry.”

 

“I forgive you.” I told him. “And I love you too.” 

 

He leaned down and gave me a kiss.

 

“Well, whenever you’re ready, I have a little surprise planned for you.” He smiled.

 

“I’m ready now actually. I just finished.” 

 

“Great.” He took my hand and led me out of the room. 

 

I couldn’t believe I was doing this. Forgiving Philip was always a mistake, but it was a mistake I would always make.

 

_ How did you get that way? I don’t know _

_ You’re screwed up and brilliant  _

_ You look like a million dollar man _

_ So why is my heart broke? _

 

Philip led me downstairs to the dining room. There was already a full meal on the table, with chicken, roasted vegetables, and two glasses of red wine. There was even a vase of roses on the table.

 

“Philip, this looks wonderful.” I smiled.

 

“Thank you. I cooked it myself.” He told me. 

 

“Really?” He pulled out my chair for me and I sat down. 

 

“Yes.” He sat down next to me. “To make up for earlier.”

 

“Thank you. I love it.”

 

“I love you.” He took my hand and squeezed it. “I really mean that.”

 

“I know. And I love you too.”

 

We made pleasant conversation as we ate. The food tasted as good as it looked. After we finished, Philip took my hand and led me outside to the car.

 

“Where are we going?” I asked.

 

“It’s a surprise.” He grinned.

 

He drove me up to a field on top of a cliff. We sat on the edge and I leaned my head on his shoulder. The view was beautiful. I could see the mountains in the distance and a forest down below us. If I could’ve stayed there forever, I would’ve. 

 

Philip leaned down and kissed me. I held on for as long as I could.

 

“I love you.” He whispered when we finally broke apart.

 

“I love you too.”

 

He kissed me again, and it gradually grew deeper and more passionate. We undressed each other and made love right there in the field, out in the open. It was incredible. 

 

When we finished, we just laid there next to each other for awhile, enjoying the view, enjoying each other’s company, and just enjoying the peace and quiet.

 

It was amazing how fast Philip’s mood could change. Just a few hours ago, he was picking fights with me, now he was making love to me. He was unpredictable like that. He was honestly a little screwed up. But he was an incredible lover. And he was gorgeous. He made me feel like the luckiest woman in the world. And yet, he could break my heart so easily, and he did it so often. He had me under his thumb and he knew it. It was almost like he enjoyed screwing with my emotions. Maybe he did. Perhaps it made him feel like he had control over me. Maybe he liked breaking my heart. But perhaps I enjoyed having my heart broken, because I was hopelessly in love with him anyway. 

 

_ You got the world, but baby, at what price? _

_ Something so strange, hard to define  _

 

“Philip, can I ask you something?” I didn’t want to break the peaceful silence, but I felt like I had to.

 

“Of course.”

 

“Why are you married to me?”

 

“Because I love you.” It was the answer I knew he’d give, and an answer I feared wasn’t true.

 

“Really?” I questioned. “Are you sure it’s not just because I’m the queen? I mean, you have everything, but is it really worth it?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Is having everything really worth it if it means staying married to someone you don’t love?”

 

“Lilibet, I do love you.” He grabbed my hand. 

 

I didn’t reply. It was always strange for some reason to hear him tell me he loved me. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy hearing it, it was just that I always feared he didn’t mean it. He certainly didn’t act like he meant it. But I prayed he did mean it. Because I sure as hell meant it when I said I loved him.

 

_ It isn’t that hard, boy, to like you or love you _

_ I’d follow you down, down, down; you’re unbelievable  _

 

As I feared, Philip’s love didn’t last long. By the next morning, he was bitter again. I didn’t know why. I woke up in his bed, but he wasn’t there anymore. 

 

I got dressed and went down to breakfast. He was there eating, but he didn’t speak to me when I sat down.

 

“Good morning.” I greeted him as I sat down.

 

“Good morning.” He replied, bitterly. 

 

“What’s your problem this morning?” I asked. “I thought we were on good terms now.”

 

“Well I guess you thought wrong.” He snapped. He got up and walked away. 

 

I sat there confused and hurt. How had his attitude toward me changed so fast again? Had I done something wrong? I must have. He couldn’t just be mad at me for no reason. But then again, maybe he could be. Maybe it didn’t have anything to do with me at all. Maybe something else had happened. I could never tell what would set him off.

 

One might think that being so temperamental would make him hard to love, but in fact, it was quite the opposite. As much as I hated when he hurt me, I sort of liked how unpredictable he was. It at least kept me on my toes. He kept my life interesting. 

 

I smirked to myself. I decided I’d find him later. He’d calm down soon enough. Or maybe he wouldn’t. But I’d stay with him regardless. 

 

_ If you’re going crazy, just grab me and take me _

_ I’d follow you down, down, down; anywhere, anywhere  _

 

A few hours later, I found Philip in the garden sulking. He sat on a bench, staring at some flowers. He didn’t say anything when I sat down next to me. He didn’t even turn to look at me. He acted like I wasn’t there at all. 

 

I reached over and put a hand on his knee. He didn’t react. I moved it to his shoulder and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He still didn’t react. 

 

“Philip, I don’t know what I did, but I’m sorry.” I told him. He didn’t respond. “I love you. Please talk to me. I love you so much.”

 

Finally, he turned to me. He took my hand, but was silent for a few moments before speaking. 

 

“I’m sorry.” He told me finally. “I know you love me. And I love you. I don’t know why I don’t treat you like it. I think I’m just going crazy. I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s okay.” I squeezed his hand. “I don’t care if you’re going crazy. I’ll be right here next to you, going even crazier. Because I love you. And I’ll always stay with you, no matter what.”

 

_ One for the money, two for the show _

_ I love you, honey; I’m ready, I’m ready to go  _

 

Philip leaned over and kissed me.

 

“I love you too.” He told me.

 

I crawled into his lap and he held me there for awhile. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the peace and comfort I felt. In that moment, I felt like he really did love me. 

 

But I should’ve known this peace wouldn’t last. It never did. Because he didn’t really love me. It was all just for show. And reality was about to come crashing down on me.

 

_ How did you get that way? I don’t know _

_ You’re screwed up and brilliant _

_ You look like a million dollar man _

_ So why is my heart broke? _

 

Suddenly, Philip pushed me off him and got up. He started to walk away. I got up and followed him. 

 

“Philip!” I called after him. He showed no sign he had heard me. I grabbed his arm and turned him around to face me. “What’s your problem?”

 

“I just need to be alone right now.” He snapped.

 

“Why don’t you ever want to be with me? I thought we were having a nice time.”

 

“Don’t you get it?” He yelled, smacking me in the face. “I don’t like spending my time with you. You’re the cause of all my problems and a constant reminder of them.”

 

“Philip, I,” I was deeply hurt. 

 

“I’d say I’m sorry that I’ve hurt you, but you’ve hurt me more.” He started to walk away again, but I turned him back around.

 

“Philip, please don’t go. We can talk this out.” I begged.

 

He pushed me to the ground.

 

“No we can’t.” 

 

He walked away and left me crying on the ground, wondering why I was so in love with someone who was so fucked up. 

 

_ One for the money; two for the show _

_ I love you, honey; I’m ready, I’m ready to go  _

 

I laid down in the grass and closed my eyes. Eventually, Philip woke me up. I looked up to see him kneeling on the ground next to me.

 

“Lilibet, I’m sorry about earlier.” He told me. “I really am. I want nothing more than to spend my time with you. I love you.”

 

“I love you too.” I smiled back at him.

 

“Come on.” He took my hand. “Why don’t we go inside?”

 

He pulled me off the ground. But when I sat up, my eyes snapped open. It had been a dream. I was alone. 

 

_ How did you get that way? I don’t know  _

_ You’re screwed up and brilliant  _

_ You look like a million dollar man  _

_ So why is my heart broke? _

 

Eventually, I sadly wandered back inside. Part of me wanted to find Philip, but another part of me knew it was best to leave him be. 

 

I went up to my bedroom and sat at the vanity. I looked disdainfully at the woman staring back at me. I wasn’t sure what was wrong with her, but obviously something was. She had to have done something to make her husband stop loving her. 

 

Suddenly, a figure appeared behind me in the mirror. It was Philip. He looked just as handsome as ever, while I looked like a mess. 

 

I would’ve thought seeing him would make me feel better, but instead, it just broke my heart more. 

 

_ I don’t know _

_ You’re screwed up, you’re brilliant  _

_ You look like a million dollar man  _

_ So why is my heart broke? _

 

“Lilibet,” He slowly walked over to me. “I’m really sorry about earlier. I don’t know what came over me. I’m so sorry.”

 

“I want to forgive you.” I replied quietly. “But I’m not sure if I can anymore. You always say you’re sorry, and then immediately turn around and hurt me again. I love you, but I don’t want to get hurt anymore. So I don’t think I can forgive you again unless I’m sure you really mean it.”

 

“I do mean it.” 

 

“Then start acting like it.” 

 

He sighed and kneeled down next to me. He put his hand in my shoulder.

 

“I promise I will.” He kissed me on the cheek. 

 

“Can you really promise that?”

 

“Maybe not. But I can promise I will try.” He took me in his arms. “I know I’ve broken your heart, but I promise I will try to fix it. Because I love you.”

 

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any suggestions for songs you want me to do or characters/situations you’d like to see, please leave them in the comments! Thanks! :)


	14. Holiest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off Holiest by Glass Animals ft. Tei Shi.

**Elizabeth’s POV:**   
_Climb until you’re getting high_   
_Be a part of the scene like you’re living your dream_

I walked up the stairs to the ballroom. The party itself was downstairs, but as the guest of honor, I got to enter down a grand staircase. I was secretly nervous, I always was entering events like this, but I maintained my confident composure and forced a smile. I hated the life I was forced to live, but I was forced to pretend I loved it.

Everybody turned to stare at me as I walked down the staircase. I wished they wouldn’t, but there was nothing I could do about it. So I smiled and walked into the crowd. I made small talk with people I couldn’t have cared less about. I danced with people I didn’t even want to touch me. All with the same fake smile on my face. Everyone in the crowd thought I was living my dream, when in reality, it was my worst nightmare. A nightmare I had to live every day.

_Walk the room like you’re on fire_   
_Like you’re chasing the truth, gripping tight to your youth_

I walked through the party confidently. I played the part of the radiant goddess, even though on the inside, I was anything but.

Every time I stepped out in public, I felt like I had something to prove. To my mother. To my sister. To my husband. To myself. I felt like no one really thought I was bright enough or confident enough to be the queen. And I had to prove them wrong every day, even if they were right.

In some ways, my job had gotten easier over the years. I had more experience now and I was used to the job. But in other ways, it had gotten harder, especially at events like this. At most occasions, people just expect me to be the queen. To shake a few hands. Maybe give a speech. I might unveil a plaque or cut a ribbon. But mostly, I’m just expected to exist there. But at parties, people expect me to be an outgoing young woman. And the older I got, the harder that was becoming. Sure, I was only in my thirties. But I felt much older. And I felt like I looked much older.

And watching Philip at these kinds of events killed me. He still acted like he was twenty. He was the life of the party, talking and dancing. That didn’t bother me so much, but what did hurt was seeing him blatantly flirting with other women. It wasn’t hard for me to understand why he would cheat on me. These were beautiful young women. And I wasn’t anymore. But I had to put on a brave face and pretend I was. And if Philip wouldn’t notice me, at least everyone else would.

_Gripping tight, gripping tight to your youth_   
_Like you’re cha-, like you’re chasing the truth_

I wandered in Philip’s direction. He was flirting with another woman in the corner. She was much younger and prettier than me. I lingered around them, making sure not to get in Philip’s line of vision. He would be furious if he figured out I was watching him.

I wasn’t quite close enough to hear what they were saying, and I didn’t dare get closer. But whatever he was telling her made her laugh. And blush. It made her react in a way I used to when he talked to me.

He reached out a hand and brushed her face. She gave a shy smile. He leaned down and kissed her.

I had to walk away. I couldn’t watch them anymore. I thought I might cry. But I couldn’t. I had to fake a smile and carry on like everything was fine.

I had always suspected he did more than flirt with other women when he thought I wasn’t looking, but I had never been able to confirm it before. But now I had. I saw him kiss another woman with my own eyes. Even though I’d had suspicions for years, the truth still hurt.

But I had to put all of that aside. I was still out at a fancy party. I was still expected to act like an elegant, radiant young woman. And even if I felt less and less like that woman with every minute that passed, I would still put on a smile and pretend she was still me.

_But you’re the holiest thing I know_   
_Yes, you’re the holiest thing, holiest thing I know_

When we got back to the palace, I considered confronting Philip about the woman at the party. But I didn’t. I didn’t feel like fighting with him. I wanted him to love me. So I pretended I hadn’t seen anything.

I walked into his room after I changed out of my gown. He was sitting on his bed, still in his tux, but with his jacket off and his shirt unbuttoned. He was staring off into space, but turned to me when I entered the room.

“You looked beautiful tonight.” He told me.

“Thanks.” I replied shyly. I sat down next to him and laid my head on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry I didn’t spend more time with you.”

“It’s alright.”

“No, it’s not.” He put his arm around me. “You’re my wife. I love you and I need to act like it.”

“You do.” I insisted, lying more to myself than to him.

“You’re the most beautiful, incredible woman in the world. You’re like a goddess. And far too often I take that for granted. But I really do love you.”

“I know.” I replied, even though I wasn’t quite sure I believed it. “And I love you too.”

**Philip’s POV:**   
_Look at the mess you’ve made_   
_Babe I’m not what you think_   
_Come on listen to me_

Elizabeth sat in my arms, seeming content enough. But I could tell she was hurt. I could see it in her eyes. I could hear it in her voice. She was trying to hide it, but she was upset about something.

“Lilibet, are you alright?” I asked her.

“I’m fine.” She replied softly.

“Are you sure?” I pressed. “You seem sad.” She sighed and sat up.

“Philip, I saw you kiss that girl at the party.” She confessed. I didn’t know what to say, but I knew I had to say something.

“I’m sorry.”

“That’s it?” She raised an eyebrow. “I caught you cheating on me and all you have to say is ‘I’m sorry’?”

“Listen, Lilibet, I’m sorry I kissed that girl. I never met her before tonight. She started flirting with me and I flirted back and I got carried away and kissed her. But that’s all that happened.”

“Maybe that’s all that happened tonight. But how am I to know more hasn’t happened before?”

“Lilibet, I understand why you’re suspicious, but I have never cheated on you. I would never do that. I really do love you.”

“Do you?” She questioned. “Then why don’t you act like it? Why do you treat me like shit? Why have you made such a mess of our marriage?”

“I don’t know.” I replied, getting defensive. “So much has happened since you became queen. Everything has changed and I don’t know how to handle it. So I do stupid shit. But I really do love you. And I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you.”

_Now all I do is feel afraid_   
_Can’t you see that I’m here_   
_Can’t you see I’ve been played_   
_That I’m dest-, that I’m destined to flame_

“But you do things to hurt me all the time.” Elizabeth argued. “Are you saying that every single time is an accident? You can’t seriously be stupid enough to not know what you’re doing.”

“Fine. Maybe I have done things on purpose out of spite or revenge. But nine times out of ten, I’m just acting out. I don’t do it because I want to hurt you. I do it because I don’t know how to handle everything. I really am sorry that I’ve hurt you.”

“No you’re not.” She shook her head. “You apologize all the time. But you can’t possibly mean it. If you really meant it, you would act like it.”

“I try.”

“No, you don’t!” She yelled. “You don’t try. You don’t care to. You don’t care about me. Sometimes I fear you don’t even love me.”

“I do love you.” I insisted. “But sometimes it feels like you’re not you anymore. It feels like I’ve been cheated out of not just my name and my career, but my wife. And I don’t know how to deal with it.”

“Philip, it was hard for me to adjust too. But I dealt with it. I moved on as best I could. I had to. It’s been almost ten years. It’s time for you to move on too.”

“I try, Lilibet,”

“Well try harder.” She cut me off. “Or our marriage will go up in flames. And we’ll be stuck in the ashes of my naivety and your stupidity.”

She stormed off.

_But you’re the holiest thing I know_   
_Yes, you’re the holiest thing, holiest thing I know_

I laid down on the bed. When Elizabeth had walked in, I had hoped that she would end up crawling into bed with me. But she didn’t. She was angry at me.

I understood why. She had every right to be upset with me. I had let her down so many times.

I really did need to try harder. She was right. It had been almost ten years since she became queen. I really should be more adjusted to everything by now. I just needed to swallow my pride and let myself adjust.

I needed to finally be the husband she deserved. The consort she deserved. She was a goddess. And it was about time I started treating her like it.

**Elizabeth’s POV:**   
_Climb until you’re getting high_   
_Be apart of the scene like you’re living your dream_

A week had passed since my confrontation with Philip. We had another party to go to tonight. Philip had been making an effort to treat me better, but I wasn’t expecting his behavior tonight to be any different than last week. I absolutely dreaded the party.

Philip took my arm and led me up the stairs, this time leading me up to the ballroom at the Palace. I felt much better walking into the party with him, but I still feared it wouldn’t last.

But it did. He stayed with me the whole night. I felt like I was in a dream. Like I would wake up any moment and he would be gone. But I didn’t wake up. It was real.

A week ago, Philip had found me in my bedroom after I stormed off. He had promised that he would treat me better from now on. So far, he had kept his promise.

_Walk the room like you’re on fire_   
_Like you’re chasing the truth, gripping tight to your youth_

The party was the complete opposite of last week’s. I genuinely wanted to be there. I was actually having fun. Because Philip was here dancing with me, instead of off kissing random women.

“Have I told you yet how beautiful you look tonight?” He asked with a smile.

“Yes. About twenty times now.”

“Well it’s true.” He leaned down and kissed me. And for a moment, I didn’t care that we weren’t alone. That people probably saw us.

I felt like we were young again. Like we didn’t have a care in the world. All the stresses and worries of being queen were gone. There was just Philip and me. Dancing and laughing like nothing else mattered. And I loved every second of it.

_But you’re the holiest thing I know_   
_Yes, you’re the holiest thing, holiest thing I know_

After the party, I went back up to Philip’s room with him. I didn’t need my dresser to help me out of my dress. Philip would be the one taking it off tonight. And that was exactly how I wanted it.

Philip kissed me and pushed me onto the bed.

“You are a goddess. You’re the holiest thing I know.” He said against my lips. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any suggestions for songs you want me to do or characters/situations you’d like to see, please leave them in the comments! Thanks! :)


	15. Already Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off Already Gone by Sleeping at Last

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S/O to tony for the song suggestion. Sorry it took so long. Hope you enjoy it! :)

_Remember all the things we wanted_   
_Now all our memories they’re haunted_   
_We were always meant to say goodbye_

“Elizabeth, what is your fucking problem?” I screamed.

“My problem is that you don’t fucking love me!” She sobbed. “You cheat on me. You lie to me. You yell at me over nothing. You treat me like shit. And then you turn around and pretend nothing happened. You keep pretending that you love me when you clearly don’t anymore.”

My anger at her turned to sadness. I really did love her. But look what I had done to her.

“I’m sorry.” I sighed. “I love you. I’m sorry that all I do is hurt you. I don’t want to.”

I took her in my arms and she cried into my chest. I started to cry too. I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t stand to hurt her anymore.

I wished we could go back to the days before she became queen. When we were happy. When we were still in love. We had some wonderful memories together. But they were tainted now. Haunted, bittersweet memories of two people we could never be again.

As much as I loved Elizabeth and wanted to stay with her, I knew I couldn’t. I wanted her to be happy. And she could never be happy with me. All I could do was hurt her. I knew what I had to do. Even though it broke me, I knew it would be for the best. I had to let her go. We were never meant to be together forever. And it was finally time to say goodbye.

_Even with our fists held high_   
_It never would have worked out right_   
_We were never meant for do or die_

It was a sad realization. I didn’t want to leave her. I loved her. But I knew it was the right thing to do. It would be best for both of us.

We had tried our best to make it work. But the pressures of the crown had proved too much for us to handle. Perhaps we were never meant to be together. We were never supposed to be together forever. Elizabeth needed someone to be with her and support her. Sadly, that someone was never supposed to be me.

_I didn’t want us to burn out_   
_I didn’t come here to hurt you now_   
_I can’t stop_

I knew I had to talk to her. I didn’t want to do it now, but I knew if I didn’t, I never would. I got up and walked to her room.

She was sitting on her bed crying. I so badly wanted to take her in my arms and dry her tears, but that’s not why I was here. What I was about to do would only make her cry more.

“Elizabeth,” I approached her cautiously.

“Philip,” she looked up at me. “What are you doing in here?”

“We really need to talk.” I sat down next to her, keeping my distance.

“About what?”

“Elizabeth, I think we both agree that this isn’t working out.” I sighed. “I love you, I really do, but all I do is hurt you. And I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

“Philip, what are you trying to say?”

“I think it would be better for both of us if we broke up. If we moved on.” She broke completely. If she was crying before, she was bawling now. “I don’t want to. I would love to stay with you forever. But I just don’t think that’s what we’re meant to do.”

_I want you to know that it doesn’t matter_   
_Where we take this road, but someone’s gotta go_

“Philip, can’t we keep trying to work this out?” Elizabeth cried.

“We’ve been trying for years.” I replied sadly. “It’s just not working.”

“There has to be something else we can do. What if we tried marriage counseling?”

“We could try, but I doubt it would really make a difference. I don’t think it matters what we try. Nothing is going to fix this. The only way we’re ever going to be happy is if we end this. I’m sorry.”

_And I want you to know, you couldn’t have loved me better_   
_But I want you to move on, so I’m already gone_

“I don’t understand.” Elizabeth sobbed. “I thought you loved me. What happened? Did I do something wrong?”

I took her in my arms and she cried into my chest. I had been trying to keep my distance, but I couldn’t anymore.

“No, Lilibet.” I comforted her. “You didn’t do anything. It’s all my fault. I just can’t grow up. I can’t be the husband you need me to be. All I do is hurt you. You deserve better than me.”

“I don’t care if you hurt me. I love you.”

  
“I know you love me. And I love you too, but I just can’t show it. I would love to stay with you, but I have no choice anymore. We’ve hit a dead end.” I pulled away from her. I lifted her chin so I could look in her beautiful blue eyes one last time. “Listen to me, Lilibet. I want you to move on. Find someone else who will love you better than I can. I’m leaving because I love you and I care about you. It’ll be better for both of us. This is just the way it has to be. I’m so sorry.”

As much as it hurt to do it, I stood up and walked out.

_Looking at you makes it harder_   
_But I know that you’ll find another_   
_That doesn’t always make you wanna cry_

I tried to avoid Elizabeth the next day, but it was hard. We still lived together and we always would. The public could never know we had separated.

Every time I saw her, she looked like she was on the verge of tears. I felt horrible, but I reminded myself that I had done the right thing.

Elizabeth was a beautiful woman. She would find someone else. Someone who would treat her right. I already had a few people in mind for her.

Like Porchey. They had been friends since childhood. They had a short fling while I was away during the war. She left him to marry me, but everyone knew he was still in love with her. I wondered if Elizabeth ever wished she had married him instead. She should’ve. I could tell from the way he treated her that he truly loved her and cared about her. He would never yell at her or do anything to hurt her. He would treat her like she deserved to be treated. He would treat her so much better than I ever could.

_It started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in_   
_Perfect couldn’t keep this love alive_

A week had passed since I had left Elizabeth. She no longer looked like she was about to cry all the time, but she was still visibly upset.

I laid on my bed, thinking. I often found myself thinking about Elizabeth. Tonight, my mind wandered back to when we first started dating. I knew from the first time I kissed her that she was the one. That we were perfect together.

And for a while we were. But then she became queen. And everything changed. Our relationship became toxic. And the poison destroyed every part of our marriage. Maybe we were perfect for each other, but perfect couldn’t fix us. Nothing could.

_You know that I love you so_   
_I love you enough to let you go_

That night, I had a dream. Elizabeth and I were still together. We were happy newlyweds. Still in the honeymoon phase. It was such a vivid dream that it felt real.

Elizabeth and I were dancing in our room to a romantic song. The moonlight shone on her through the curtain, making her look even prettier than usual. I held her close to me. I leaned down and kissed her. She kissed back and we held on like that for awhile.

“I love you.” I whispered.

“I love you too.”

I woke up, for some reason expecting to see Elizabeth in bed next to me. But reality came flooding back. She would never wake up in my bed again. We were done. And it was for the best. At least that’s what I kept telling myself.

I did love her and I always would, but I couldn’t be with her anymore. All I did was hurt her, and I wanted her to be happy again. So I had to let her go.

_I want you to know that it doesn’t matter_   
_Where we take this road, but someone’s gotta go_

The next morning, Elizabeth came into my room. I was awake, but still in bed.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, sitting up.

“I wanted to talk to you.” She replied. Part of me hoped she wanted to try and work things out again, even though the rest of me knew that could never happen.

“About what?”

“You were right. It might be better for both of us if we separated.” My heart sank, even though I should’ve felt relieved. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot the last few days, and even though I miss you, I’ve realized you made the right decision to leave. There was nothing else we could’ve done to work this out. At first, I thought that when you left me you hurt me more than you ever had, but now I realize that wasn’t true. The wounds you’ve caused me still hurt, but you will never create anymore, and time will heal what you’ve already done.”

_And I want you to know, you couldn’t have loved me better_   
_But I want you to move on, so I’m already gone_   
_So I’m already gone_

“Elizabeth, I,” I trailed off. I didn’t know what to say. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright.” She gave me a sad smile. “I know you did your best. I know you love me. And I love you. But you were right when you said this just won’t work. And I’m going to do my best to move on. You should too.”

_Remember all the things we wanted_   
_Now all our memories, they’re haunted_   
_We were always meant to say goodbye_

Elizabeth turned around and left. I wasn’t sure how to feel. Part of me was relieved but part of me was devastated. I knew it was for the best and I was glad she finally realized it too. But that didn’t make it any easier to accept it.

She was gone. But hadn’t that been what I wanted? I was tired of hurting her, so I left. And we would both be happier now.

_I want you to know that it doesn’t matter_   
_Where we take this road, but someone’s gotta go_

I had tried all day to remind myself that Elizabeth was right. But it wasn’t working. She was wrong. I was wrong. I loved her. And I needed her. Would I hurt her again? Maybe. But I could change. I could grow up. We could work things out. And I could finally be the consort she needed.

I walked into her room. She was sitting on her bed, setting the phone down as if she had just finished a conversation.

“Lilibet,” I called her by her nickname. “I need to talk to you.”

“About what?”

“I was wrong.” I told her. “I want to try to work this out. I love you and I can’t live without you.”

“Philip, when I told you this morning that you were right, I meant that.” She replied, looking a little sad. “I love you too, but I just don’t think we can work it out.”

“Yes, we can.” I argued. “We just have to try harder. I have to try harder.”

“No. Philip, we’ve tried everything. Nothing works. It’s time we go our separate ways.”

_And I want you to know, you couldn’t have loved me better_   
_But I want you to move on, so I’m already gone_   
_I’m already gone_

“Lilibet, I know I haven’t given you the love you deserve, but I promise I will try harder. Just give me another chance.” I begged.

Elizabeth shook her head.

“Philip, you gave me all the love you could. I know you love me. But you’re just not what I need. And I’m not what you need. I’m starting to move on and I want you to do the same. You made the right decision when you said we were done.”

_Remember all the things we wanted_   
_Now all our memories, they’re haunted_   
_We were always meant to say goodbye_

“Lilibet,” I took her hand. She squeezed it, but shook her head.

“Philip, we tried our best. But it just didn’t work. It was never going to. We were always meant to say goodbye.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any suggestions for songs, characters, or situations you’d like to see me do, leave them in the comments! Thanks! :)
> 
> Also, if you’re a fan of the movie The Greatest Showman, I’m also writing a fanfic for that. It’s called Two Lost Dreamers. It’s about P.T. and Jenny. You should definitely check it out! Thanks! :)


	16. Why Try

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based off Why Try by Ariana Grande.

_ I’ve been living with devils and angels _

_ Angels, angels _

_ Realize you and I are in the same boat _

_ Same boat, yeah _

 

I stormed into my room and slammed the door behind me. I didn’t even remember what the fight had started about anymore. It didn’t matter. Philip and I fought constantly. Always over almost nothing. And it always turned out the same way. Screaming insults and accusations at each other that we didn’t really mean. Sometimes it even ended with throwing things at each other. Today had been one of those times. A picture frame and a vase of flowers were shattered on the sitting room floor. 

 

It was hard for both of us. We both had issues, a lot of them stemming from me becoming queen. I was surrounded by conflict. Between what I wanted to do and what I had to do. Between what Philip wanted me to do and what the courts mandated I do. Between myself and almost everyone around me. It was like living with a thousand devils and angels on each shoulder. It had become so confusing I wasn’t sure who were the devils and who were the angels. 

 

Philip and I knew we both had the same problem. He was living with the same devils and angels on his shoulders. But neither of us would help the other. Instead, we each added to the other’s issues. 

 

_ Kills me how you love me, then you cut me down _

_ I’ll do the same _

_ We been living like angels and devils _

_ Devils _

 

I sank to my bed, worn out from all the fighting. Suddenly, I heard a knock at the door.

 

“Lilibet,” Philip called. “Can I come in?” I didn’t respond. “Please?”

 

“Fine.” I answered.

 

He came inside and sat down next to me. 

 

“I’m sorry.” He took my hand. “I didn’t mean anything I said earlier.”

 

“Me either.” 

 

“I love you.” He kissed me. 

 

“You don’t act like it.” I replied sadly. “You say you love me and you kiss me and act like everything’s fine. Then you turn around and hurt me. And it kills me inside.”

 

“I know. And I’m sorry.” He squeezed my hand. “But you do the same thing.”

 

“I suppose that’s true.” I gave a small smile. “Neither of us are innocent here.”

 

“We can both be angels to each other.” He remarked. “Then we can both turn around and act like devils.”

 

_ I’m loving the pain _

_ I never wanna live without it _

_ So why do I try? _

 

The next day came with another fight. I was sitting up waiting for Philip to come home. Normally, I would have given up and gone to bed. But we were supposed to have dinner together and he never showed up. Instead, he he had gone out early with some friends from the Thursday Club. A Club which he had promised to stop attending. But like with every promise Philip made, he hadn’t kept it. 

 

I had been waiting in his room, because I knew he couldn’t avoid going in there. The moment he stepped in the door, I stood up to confront him.

 

“Where the hell have you been?” I demanded. 

 

“Out with some friends.” He looked confused. “Why are you so angry?”

 

“Oh, it’s just that you decided your friends were more important than me, and so you blew me off for dinner.”

 

“So what?” He shrugged. “I forgot. It’s no big deal. We can have dinner tomorrow night.”

 

“Except that we can’t, because I know you and I know that you won’t show up for that either.” I snapped. 

 

“Well what the fuck do you want me to do?” His voice grew louder. “Sit around here all day and wait for you to be done with your never ending excuses to get away from me?”

 

“Philip, I spend as much time with you as I can.” I was hurt. “But I happen to be the queen. You know when I’m working and when I’m free. You could spend time with me, but you choose not to.”

 

“Did you ever stop to think that maybe I don’t want to spend time with you?”

 

“I have actually. I am quite aware that you would rather do anything else than spend time with me.”

 

“And why do you think that is?” He sneered. 

 

“I don’t know, Philip. Why is that?”

 

“Because you’re an insufferable bitch and half the time I can’t even stand to look at you. I fucking hate you.”

 

Tears welled up in my eyes. That really hurt. I should’ve walked out, but I didn’t. I knew he wasn’t going to do anything but say more hurtful things to me, but I stayed. Because some sick part of me loved the pain that he caused. It was all I ever got from him anymore. I would never want to live without it. I would never want to live without him. So why bother trying? 

 

_ You drive me insane _

_ Now we’re screaming just to see who’s louder _

_ So why do I try? _

_ You got me like  _

 

“Maybe I am a bitch sometimes.” I snapped. “But you made me like this.”

 

“Sure, blame it on me.” He replied. “You blame everything on me.” 

 

“Because everything is your fault!” I raised my voice. 

 

“What the hell do you mean everything’s my fault?” He screamed back. “All of this shit happened because you became the queen.”

 

“That’s not my fucking fault!” 

 

This was a pointless argument. Fighting about whose fault our problems were wasn’t going to solve them. But it didn’t matter. Most of our arguments were pointless. But we fought for the sake of fighting. We screamed just to see who was louder. We drove each other insane, but we could never live without each other. Every time we wondered why we bothered trying to stay together, we ended up wondering why we thought we could be apart. 

 

_ You and I redefine being love sick _

_ Love sick, love sick _

_ Through it all you could still make my heart skip _

_ Heart skip, yeah  _

 

Eventually, I stormed off to my own room, like I always did. After awhile, Philip came in after me, like he always did. 

 

“Lilibet, I’m sorry.” He apologized, like he always did. “I didn’t mean anything I said back there.”

 

“I forgive you.” I replied, like I always did. “And I’m sorry too.” 

 

He pulled me in his arms and kissed me. 

 

“I love you.” He told me.

 

“I love you too.” 

 

He kissed me again. The kiss grew deeper as he pushed me towards the bed. We made love, then he held me in his arms as we fell asleep. 

 

It was amazing that we could still be so in love after everything that had happened. We were just as love sick as ever. Except now, sometimes it felt like we were a different kind of love sick. We were so in love that we were sick of each other. We were sick of being in love with each other. But that sickness would never make the love go away. 

 

Even after everything, after the countless fights and pointless arguments, we still needed each other. His kiss could still make my heart skip a beat. And I still saw the sparkle in his eye when I told him I loved him. Nothing was ever going to change that.

 

_ Even when you’re yelling at me, I still think you’re beautiful _

_ Through it all, you could still make my heart skip _

_ Heart skip _

 

The next morning inevitably turned into a fight. I had to go to work and he got mad. He started screaming at me, and I screamed back. But I found myself distracted from the fight. I looked in his eyes and I found myself tuning out his words. He didn’t mean them anyway. 

 

Even angry and screaming, he was still the most gorgeous man I had ever seen. And despite the fact that we were literally screaming at each other, when I looked into his eyes, I still felt my heart skip a beat. 

 

He would always have this effect on me. I knew it. But I didn’t care. Whatever he said or did to me, however he hurt me, at the end of the day, it still didn’t matter. I would never leave him. I would always be in love with him. 

 

_ I'm loving the pain _

_ I never wanna live without it _

_ So why do I try? _

 

“Philip, shut up.” I cut him off from some angry monologue he was making. He looked at me confused. I usually didn’t interrupt him. I usually just let him rant at me. And when I did interrupt, I was arguing, and I wasn’t nearly as calm.

 

I walked over to him and kissed him. He kissed back at first, but then pulled away, confused.

 

“No, Elizabeth.” He backed away. “I can’t do this right now. We can’t do this right now. You can’t just kiss me and pretend everything’s okay when it’s not. I mean, why do we do this? Why do we kiss and makeup and say we love each other when we just turn around and hurt each other again?”

 

“I’ve asked myself that question many times.” I replied. “And the only answer I can ever come up with is that we’re in love with the pain we cause each other.” I sighed. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Get the fuck out of my room.”

 

_ You drive me insane _

_ Now we’re screaming just to see who’s louder _

_ So why do I try? _

_ You got me like _

 

Philip turned around and left, although part of me wished he wouldn’t. The one time I wished he wouldn’t do what I told him to was the one time he did. Figures. I sighed and laid down on my bed. 

 

I knew Philip staying wouldn’t do me any good in the long run. It never did. Even if he hadn’t pushed me away right then, he would eventually. He would start another fight and I would fight back. We fought just for the sake of fighting. We screamed just to see who was louder. We loved each other, but all we did was act like we hated each other. 

 

But there was no use trying to leave each other, although the thought had crossed my mind. I’m sure it had crossed his mind too. But neither of us said anything out loud. And we never would. There was no use trying to leave. We would just get back together eventually. Because as much as we drove each other insane, we were still hopelessly in love with each other.

 

_ Ooh, baby, look at us _

_ We been living like angels, living like devils _

_ Ooh, baby, look at us _

_ We been loving like angels, loving like devils _

 

As I laid on my bed, I thought about Philip. I knew I needed to get up and get ready for the day, but I just didn’t have the motivation. Sitting in my office wouldn’t fix my marriage. If anything, that made it worse. So instead, I continued to lay on the bed and think about Philip.

 

Our relationship was out of control. We were out of control. And as much as I liked to put all the blame on Philip, I knew I had my own share of the blame. After I became queen, everything changed between us. We still loved each other, but we forgot how to. So we went through a vicious cycle. We would go through our days looking like angels to the public, but then turn into devils when we got back home. We would treat each other like angels, but then turn around and act like devils. It was a horrible cycle. But I had to admit that even though I was sick of it, I was also addicted to it. And so was Philip. And deep down I knew that we loved the cycle too much to break it.

 

_ Ooh, baby, look at us _

_ We been living like angels, living like devils _

_ Ooh, baby, look at us _

_ We been loving like angels, loving like devils _

_ Ooh, baby, look  _

 

Philip and I didn’t speak to each other for the rest of the day. But we couldn’t stay away from each other for long. The next night, I found myself wandering into his room. To my surprise, he was actually there. He was sitting on his bed reading, but he looked up when I walked in.

 

“Lilibet, what are you doing in here?” He asked, setting the book on the nightstand. 

 

“The better question is what are you doing in here?” I retorted. “I expected you to be out at some party or pub. Getting drunk and doing whatever the hell else you do there.”

 

“No.” He shook his head. “I’ve been here all evening, like the perfect husband you want me to be. I was hoping you would come in here.”

 

“You know I can’t keep myself away from you for long.” I smiled and crawled into bed next to him. 

 

“You know I wouldn’t want you to.” He kissed me. I latched on desperately and before we knew it we were undressing each other. 

 

We made love passionately, like we always did after making up. And when we were done, he rolled off me and held me as I fell asleep in his arms. 

 

The next morning was peaceful, but it was just the calm before the storm. The biggest we’d had in a while, and that was saying something. That night, Philip came stumbling home drunk well past midnight with lipstick on his collar and the smell of cheap perfume on him. 

 

I started a nasty fight. Screaming and tears and throwing shit ensued. He was so drunk he slapped me in the face and pushed me to the floor. I got up and tried to run out of the room, but he grabbed my arm and pinned me to the wall. He punched me in the face and screamed some more obscenities and insults at me before he let me go. I ran to my room and slammed the door, locking it so he couldn’t follow me if he decided he wanted to. 

 

Last night, Philip and I had been angels. But tonight, the devil in Philip returned, and so did the devil in me. 

 

_ I’m loving the pain _

_ I never wanna live without it _

_ So why do I try? _

 

Philip and I didn’t speak again for almost a week, which was probably the longest we’d willingly gone without speaking to each other. I tried to be content with this arrangement of intentionally avoiding each other and aggressively ignoring each other when we crossed paths. But deep down, I knew I couldn’t be.

 

As much as Philip hurt me, I was already well aware that I was addicted to the pain of being with him. Besides, not being with him hurt more than anything he could ever do to me. I knew I was far too in love with Philip to live without him. So why was I trying?

 

_ You drive me insane _

_ Now we’re screaming just to see who’s louder _

_ So why do I try? _

_ You got me like _

 

That night, six days after our fight, I finally broke down and went to his room. To my surprise, he was there. But he didn’t look happy to see me.

 

“What the hell do you want?” He asked coldly.

 

“I want to talk to you.” I approached him slowly. “Philip, you drive me insane sometimes. And I know I drive you insane. It seems that all we do it hurt each other. But I love you. And I know you love me. It’s pointless to pretend we don’t.”

 

“I’m not pretending I don’t love you, Lilibet.” He shook his head. “I’m just trying to convince myself I’m better off without you.”

 

“I’ve been doing the same.” I sat down next to him. “But I’m lying to myself. I’m not better off without you. I’m not happier without you. And I don’t care that you hurt me sometimes. All I care is that you love me. Because I love you.”

 

“Well, I’m relieved to hear you’ve come to the same conclusion I have.” He responded. “We both know we love each other too much to live without each other. So why try?”

 

He kissed me and took me in his arms. I fell asleep in his arms that night. It felt so peaceful. I knew that it would never last, but it didn’t matter. We loved each other too much to care. We knew we couldn’t live without each other, and as I fell asleep, I silently prayed that we were finally done trying. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a little late, but Happy New Year! This is my first chapter of 2019, but there will be many more to come. 
> 
> If you have any suggestions for songs/characters/situations you'd like to see me do, leave them in the comments. Thanks! :)


End file.
